What am I supposed to do?

I say this purely thinking in psychological terms, you have shaped this behaviour in him by tolerating it, and you are maintaining it. I recognise that your other son isn’t this way, but this still applies. You can’t change his behaviour, you can only change your own. He will then have to respond and you will have change.

Its very late in the day but do try to follow the great advice here. Guess it will be a huge shock to him but you will be doing him a favour in the end.

Chinesecrested. If you want your son to grow up and become more responsible then wouldn't you want him not to treat any future wife the same way as he is treating you? He should respect you, your no smoking policy and he should budget properly, prioritising his fuel costs as having fuel enables him to work rather than lie that he is sick. Do you really think any future wife of your son should be treated with such disrespect and be expected to put up with him? What if they had a child and he still behaved the same way and squandered money on things which then ensure he has to take off sickies rather than work (or maybe he assumes that Nana Chinesecrested would step in and help financially)? Please stand up to his behaviour rather than continually enabling it. He is only getting away with it because you (and your partner) let him. Put up a united front with your partner and put your foot down. He should learn that being an adult means responsibilities (such as paying a decent rent, prioritising work, etc.) Your son should treat you and your partner to dinner in a restaurant now and again (to realise that all take and little give does not make a mature adult and) to thank you for all you have done for him.

The more you pander to him the more he will take advantage. Stop treating him like a ten year old.

Sorry, that should be "Chinesecrested".

"Not being one for confrontation......" Oh dear, Chinacrested, this says it all! The Gransnetters posting here have offered good advice. Time for some tough love.

You are encouraging his behaviour by having him live at home. give him three months notice to quit and don't lend him any money.This guy needs teaching a lesson. Your responsibilities to him are not endless. How do you think your other sons feels that you are subsidising this wastrels way of life?

I feel for you with this one as our close friends had the same issue, except their late thirty something son went 'freelance' which involved getting up around lunchtime to sit hunched over the computer playing games and occasionally doing the odd bit of actual work. I have to say they are the nicest family and son is amiable and totally laid back. In the end the parents paid for his accommodation and he moved out. OK maybe that wasnt ideal, but it did mean he had to manage utilities, food, cleaning, laundry and life in general by himself and they knew he had a secure roof over his head. He was local so he had a standing invitation to Sunday lunch and therefore couldnt starve. No loans or other financial assistance.

You have my sympathies Chinesecrested. These sitations creep up on parents without us noticing how dependent and badly our kids are behaving. Perhaps you and your OH need to talk and make a plan. Decide what needs to change and list the problems. Then work gradually to help him achieve the goals. See it as a work in progress. Things won't improve overnight but hopefully month by month they will do. Good luck! It is so hard being a parent!

Of course, you love your son but he’s got you over a barrel hasn’t he! And I don’t think you’re alone in this sort of situation. I despair of how society has somehow been accepting of people just not growing up...as if it’s a dreadful thing. It didn’t happen so much ‘in our day’, as they say!?It actually isn’t a laughing matter though is it...and I suspect your tolerance may be linked to the feeling that you’ve never done enough for him and your parental responsibilities in this way, are endless. This generation do seem to think that they can ‘have it all’ and you might have to be cruel to be kind. If he’s going to have any kind of meaningful, happy, purposeful, life, he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. And that is what as his mother, is down to you, to convey to him...over and over...if necessary.

The harsh reality is that you are enabling him to be selfish and not to face up to being a responsible adult. He is showing you no love and respect and he is allowed to get away with it. He knows if he does not work he will still have a home, food etc so he has no incentive to stand on his own feet. He should not be drinking at all, he should be paying his way before anything else. All our kids have a unique way of tugging on our heart strings, but as others have said, it’s tough love he needs now for both your sakes. Deadlines and ultimatums are needed, kindly but assertively ... good luck

What do you anticipate will happen to him once you are no longer around? Not a nice thought but it has to be faced? If he can’t stand on his own financially now he is unlikely to learn over night! Do you not think it would be a kinder thing to force him to deal with these issues now with your help than later alone? You state he is self employed, is he running his business well? It doesn’t sound like he makes provision for the lean periods (putting money by rather than blowing it on beer!) is he claiming all benefits and tax allowances? Maybe he needs to think about becoming an employee instead so as to have a stable income?

Can't help but feel that you're doing your son no favours Chinesecrested. You're enabling an adult male to live like Kevin and Perry; no responsibilities; no planning for the future, just staggering from one day to the next. And you're helping him to do that. It would be fine if he was able to self fund his dissolute life style, but he can't; you pay for it. Could it be that you secretly want him to stay and be dependent on you? I can't think of any other reason why you would be letting this man child continue to live like this.

So if he called in sick because he had no money for diesel how and where did he finally get the money?

He doesn't really pay any rent, mainly because no job seems to last long enough for him to have spare cash (being self employed you have to have a van, diesel, insurance, tax etc.) Without those things, you can't work anyway. I don't cook for him or do his washing although I do clear out the beer cans!

Chinesecrested you ask what will happen when you are no longer around. My mother died when we three children were all in our early forties, and to my amazement, my 43 year old brother, finally grew up.

Also, if he has prioritised beer money over petrol, he has a problem ...

MissA sorry it took me so long to type my post (plus I got a coffee) that I didn’t scroll back up to see that you had also posted !

Not 'abandonment' - tough love!
You are doing him and yourself no favours. I noticed you avoided the question of whether he does anything for himself - laundry, shopping, cooking!
Baby birds don't learn to fly until mum nudges them out of the nest!

chinesecrested 12 posts on here answering your question of ‘What am I supposed to do’ but it sounds as though you were actually saying,” well, what can you do? “

Which means that you probably enjoy looking after your 40 yr old ‘child’ so, if it pleases you and your OH is also happy and your 40 yr old child is happy then what’s the problem?

I think at the age of 40, talk of abandonment is a bit daft, but I don't see what he's doing that's so wrong, apart from flouting some 'rules' which you don't enforce.
If you're all fairly happy with things as they are, then there isn't an issue.

No one is suggesting you abandon your child Chinesecrested but don't you think its time you stopped facilitating the behaviour that you bemoan?

He does all this because he can- because you let him.

And lets be honest , it might be the easy way but you're doing him no favours. He's a grown man , time he acted like one.

I have told him to leave on many occasions over the years, and he's gone and stayed with friends, rented on his own, lived with the wife off and on. He's itinerant I suppose. And yes, if he was 18/19 years old, it wouldn't be so much of a problem. Eezybee it's not so easy! They remain our children however old they get. You don't love and nurture a child, feed and clothe it, just to abandon it when it gets to a certain age. My partner just rolls his eyes (he does like ds and he's probably even softer than I am!)

You mention your partner in the OP, but not how he feels about your sponging son. It's hardly fair on him as the other resident in the house that this cuckoo is still staying on in the nest.

I think you have been overindulgent with him Chinesecrested and that really does him no favoursas you have made a pretty spoilt boy who won’t be attractive for very long to any ladies he comes in contact with
Set up some new rules
Paying a reasonable rent
Doing his own washing and also some cooking
Reinforce the smoking outside rule
Set him up a budget
I really thought you were talking about a spoilt 18/19 year old

I have 2 adult sons living at home with me still. However they fully pay their own way, do their own laundry, cook some meals including for all of the family and will do jobs such as put out the bin, unload the car after shopping trip, load the dishwasher, steam mop kitchen floor and take 11 year old to cinema or babysit him if we go out in the evening. I do occasionally loan either of them money for emergencies e.g. engine blown on car and BER however they used their own savings first and I just loaned enough to make up the difference and it was repaid very quickly. You must be firm for his own good.