What am I supposed to do?

What an absolute bunch of parahanas most of you are. The poor woman came on here to let off steam about her son and you all have so much presumption about it. I came on here thinking lovely people my own age etc. She wanted to vent not a lecture on what she should or shouldn’t be doing. It’s her son. Obviously people my age lack empathy. I hope you can talk to your son and sort it out. Also I’d find another website where there isn’t so many wonderful perfect people like I’m going to do. It’s vile on here. Enough to make anyone depressed!! Good luck chinesecrested.

Horrible thought, but is your son waiting until you pop your clogs so he inherits a house?

You are enabling him to remain a CHILD -- which he, quite clearly, isn't - being 40 years old. Rather than feel guilty about not being able to help him more -- you need to think about what that help -- your help -- prevents him from becoming. He is a man -- not a teenager without any responsibility and it is quite possible (regardless of you being there or not) that he wakes in 20 years time and wonders what he has done with his life -- having nothing permanent or of value in it and having lived at home with his Mum for the best part of it. When you stop 'enabling' him to live his life this way -- he will have to grow up. That isn't you being 'hard' or 'turning your back on him' etc -- it is the normal way of life -- as parents,grandparents we have our children and raise them, so that they can make their way in the world independently -- you need to help him do this.

It's one thing for an adult child to still live at home if they're working and paying their way but quite another to have one who doesn't seem to know how to manage his money or have any respect for the home he's living in or his mother. As has already been pointed out if he can afford to smoke and drink he really needs to get his priorities in order and stop depending on your handouts. Unfortunately much as you love him you are not helping him. Sit down with him and get him to do a proper budget with a view to getting his own place eventually and being self-sufficient. Loveable rouges at 40 will not be so loveable in their 50's or 60's!

Chinesecrested, I suspect that if you were expecting GNs to say "Oh poor you , how awful," then you are probably very disappointed. There is a lot of really good advice already posted.

The rather brutal truth is that you have supported and enabled a spongeing, dependent wastrel with a drinking problem. If you find him charming that's great but probably the rest of the world isn't going to see him that way. It's no surprise that his jobs don't last. I would suggest that you need to do some serious soul searching and ask yourself what you gain from having a dependent 40 year old son or manchild as others have noted. Perhaps being needed, a defence against loneliness, a buffer in your relationship with your partner, affirmation, someone who really "loves" you? Provided you keep supporting and funding (directly or indirectly) his infantile behaviour of course. Things often turn rather nasty when the cosy co-dependency and financial support is withdrawn. There are many, many reasons for this scenario and only you can answer those questions.

If you really want some change (and I do wonder if you do) first he MUST pay reasonable and regular board and lodging to live at your home. How he earns that is up to him. He's 40 not a 10 year old.

If you are all happy with the situation, including your partner, then there is no current problem but the fact that you asked the question suggests that you are not all happy. Some pretty serious discussions need to happen, pretty soon. Consulting a counsellor maybe a good place to start. Good luck because it's not going to be easy. Pushing out someone who is comfortably ensconced in cosy corner is never pleasant.

I had one like this but worse as she had 4 children so I couldn't pull out. She died age 52. Her funeral is today. Grief or relief? I don't know.

OP you are so ready to find excuses for him and to reject helpful advice from realistic posters!
You are making token complaints but have no intention of changing things.
Your 'little boy' will continue to be just that as long as you choose to pander to him so stop kidding yourself and accept that you enjoy having him rely on you and just carry on as you have done.
I suggest that you are wasting our time and have no motivation to sort out your 'problem'!

Although almost every comment are quite right and quite rightly he should stand on his own two feet. Calling someone’s son a drunk and a scrounger and presumptuous of other traits doesn’t help anyone’s dilemma! Mum sounds a beautiful souled person who allows herself to be put upon but he’s her son. I’d stand for a lot with any of my children and not sure where i’d draw the line. I hope you can have that discussion and make him see he is upsetting you. The very best of luck.

Hmmm , drinks too much and smokes, but liked by his friends. I think this young man does have a drink problem and is probably in a low place exacerbated by his marriage break up. And his mother is colluding with it.
A bit harsh but I think he needs to see his gp for advice.
Think you need to chip away at this problem.
1, no more loans . Make it clear he has to pay his way.

My point GabriellaG is that he might be holding back on moving out because he thinks he can’t afford it! This may not be the case.
Not all benefits are paid to the sick or disabled but things like tax credits and universal credit are intended to help people on low incomes make ends meet.
I agree he probably needs to budget better but that doesn’t mean his income is high, he may still qualify for a bit of help to top up his income.
As a self employed person he can off set out goings against tax, so he needs to make sure he is doing this.
I am a tax payer and personally have no problem with my tax going towards helping those on low incomes

Have you heard of codependence?

Honestly wonder why people come on these boards asking for advice when they have absolutely no intention of taking any of the advice and changing things.

People have given advice about budgeting, telling him he has change his ways etc but OPs response reading between the lines is “oh, my partner is just as lax about it as me, and I don’t really want to challenge son or change anything in case it upsets him”

So, next month he’ll do the same and OP will wonder what she can do about the situation and the cycle will continue....

jenpax
I'm astonished that you suggest he might investigate if there are any benefits he might access.
Benefits indeed!
40 years old and not saved a penny, drinking and smoking and living rent and bills free... yet you think he might access benefits paid for by my (and other people's) children who work hard.
Unbelievable!
He's not disabled in any way, medically or physically if he occasionally does the jobs mentioned.
His mother is facilitating his lifestyle and doesn't really want to stop it, using the fact that he's her son to keep him like a 10 year old 'card' and enjoying it.
That's the unvarnished truth.

It's totally your own fault for pandering to him.
No sympathy from me.

£20 in diesel will probably get him 200 - 300 miles so I guess you didn't offer enough to fund whatever else he intended to do.
While it's fun to have 'jack-the-lad' in his teens this must be wearing a bit thin. He's self employed yet has to phone in sick? Strikes me first that he needs a proper job, but of course that would tie him down and living the life of a man-child is much less demanding. I also guess that you like having him around so encourage and tolerate his behaviour. Take some notes of the excellent advice here and get him to take charge of his own life and cut those apron strings. Sofa surfing will wear thin after a while.

If you don't want smoking in the house then don't have it - he can stop smoking or he can stand outside. I can't see how anyone who can smoke at around £9 plus for twenty cigarettes can then plead poverty. If he smokes one pack a day that is £63 a week (net!) so why are you paying for his petrol? And that little indulgence of course isn't including the drinking which is around £3 pounds plus for a pint. It's easy to say these things when he is your son, you love him, he is agreeable and it feels so mean to crack down, but as others have said he is having a very easy life and you are indulging him. I speak as one who tries to smooth the financial path at difficult times for children and grandchildren as much as I can, but I really do feel this is too much because he will never achieve independent living, and that is not being kind to him. You have helped him over a patch in life - perhaps it's now time to toughen up and for him to move on.

What does your partner have to say about this? He can't be too happy with the situation.

I wonder Chinesecrested, whether the solution I found for a personal situation might help you. I had to give a difficult decision to a friend and I didn't know how to do this. I went to Relate, the guidance people. They help not just couples but anyone who needs relationship guidance. The woman who 'guided' me was just great. We talked round the situation, she asked difficult questions but she helped me confront the problem of how to talk about my problem with the other person. I followed her guidance having been giving the strength and a path to follow and it provided me with the courage to talk over our/my problem. It solved my problem and the same help may solve yours. Your son also has problems managing his life, but he has to find guidance to work through these and achieve a solution. It won't be easy for him either, he may need help, but it has to come from outside. There are organisations that help people with debts or (potential money problems) to manage their lives. If you do go to Relate they will know about these organisations. Good luck on your journey.

Chinesecrested are you one of those very needy people who need to feel needed to feel worthwhile? If you indignantly object to my description then prove you are not by setting firm boundaries for your manchild son and push him on to an independent and fulfilling life of his own.

Similar situation here, but I like having my son around now I'm on my own. I don't feel I'm looking after him - he can be good company and I feel safe in an area where crime is rising. He does odd jobs around the house (my late OH was no good at DIY!) and a share of the housework. He has his part of the house and I have mine. He pays for some things in the house, and all his own petrol, food, beer etc. He works a 40 hour week and then chills out at weekends. My other 2 sons don't like it and think he is a scrounger but I have given them a lot of money towards their houses over the years, so I think it's fair. He does his own washing and cooking, and clears up his beer cans! Sometimes I feel I would like to have the house to myself, but then I might be lonely. I know a lot of other people who are in the same situation whose sons have just not found the right person to "settle down" with, or don't want to live on their own - or can't afford it. You have to do what suits you and your life chinesecrested, don't worry about what other people think.

No more lending money. It is totally irresponsible for him to spend all his money on drinking so that he can’t get to work. As it will only make things worse if he loses his job, if he runs out of petrol you could go with him and pay to put a few gallons - not a tankfull - in his vehicle, to be repaid on payday. Otherwise no lending at all. .

Ops ... Grow up I meant

I would worry that he is not giving you the privacy yoh deserve with you partner and this may cause problems within your relationship, as you said you both own the home and I’m sure he’s not happy with the situation.
He needs to grow and stop draining you emotionally and financially.
Selfish son

You seem to kind and giving. Unfortunately your son doesn't seem to have much respect for you, your partner or your home. Give him a deadline to get sorted because the more you give the more he will want. He needs to stand on his own 2 feet. Hope you get to sort your problem out. Respect to you