Sheila Hancock stiry

Eglantine that is a good point about the "children" being elderly themselves.

I've written before about how cynical I am about carers who come in so that people can continue to "live independently". When we first moved in where we are now, my elderly neighbour across the road and I became acquainted. Over time she needed care and her sons who lived about 45 mins from here, paid for carers to come in and see her. I would often notice that the carers would breeze in and out in 15 mins or less, much like the cat sitter does for my daughter. This meant that my neighbour would stand outside her front door, sometimes in the freezing cold in nothing but her knickers, so we would help by taking her inside, settling her, phoning the carer (we had the number) and so on. Her children were very grateful and would thank us profusely because we "helped their mother to be able to live independently". Nothing could have been further from the truth, she needed a lot more input than she was getting. She died after a relatively short period of this sort of "care".

My mother-in-law and I cared for my husband's paternal gran in her later years; firstly in her own home and then, as she became more subject to falls, in a nursing home where one of us visited her every day for three years until she died. The home was like a hotel with nursing facilities and (more than ten years ago) at £800 a week was eye-wateringly expensive.
Now my parents-in-law are in their eighties and are beginning to have the sort of health problems that often accompany long life. Last year they moved just a five minute walk away so that they can be near to me, but they are both determined never to become a 'burden'. I am saddened they think this way and they don't understand that they could never be a burden; it would be a labour of love and thanksgiving if I could care for them through their last years. I have a big house, including a downstairs room with an en-suite shower room and it would be hard work, but an absolute privilege to take care of them if they need it. They have been parents to me in every sense and there would be nothing done out of duty, but just love.
When my own mother became bedridden a few years ago I spent months caring for her in her own home (300 miles away) and it was neither a privilege, nor a labour of love. It was an acknowledgement that as my mother she deserved the best care that I could give her, but our relationship is fairly detached and if I could have persuaded her to go into a home I would have done; that way I could have rested easy that she was getting appropriate medical and nursing care in a clean, safe environment - with plenty of my siblings around to visit her.

... what I mean is much like the cat sitter does for my daughter's cats, not for my daughter!

Most of us are going to be a burden to our children whether we like it or not. DH and I are coming up to 75, both fit in wind and limb. We commute between our home in England and holiday home in France. DH still does most of the maintenance on both houses and is only this year finally giving up work, because he is beginning to feel the cold and standing on cold quay sides for days at a time supervising heavy engineering lifts. BUT, despite this, I can hear the sound of worry in DC's voices about our lives and whether we are over-doing it.If we admit the slightest health failing they start worrying, bad weather? they are on the phone to check on us.

My sister and I were the same with our parents, from 70 onwards we were beginning to worry about them. That DM died in her sleep in her late 80s, when they were on holiday recovering from a period of hectic socialising, that DH lived to 92, fit and well, living independently, driving and still active in several community organisations, all this still did not stop us worrying about him.

Choosing your care home is neither here nor there, that is the least of our DC's 'burdens'. Sheila Hancock is assuming that when she needs care the home she has chosen will 1) have a space available when she needs it, 2) be suitable for caring for someone with whatever problems she has. 3) is still the home she chose; staff may have changed, management may have changed, it may have the same name and be on the same premises, but not be the home she chose.

Even if she gets into the home when she wants. It will still not stop her DC assuming a burden for her - worrying how she is being treated, whether they trust the staff, how often they ought to visit, especially if the home chosen ends up being no where near where her DC live.

The best thing to do is just accept that in old age we are going to be a burden to our children whether we like it or not and whether it is justified or not. Stop worrying about it and just enjoy life while you have it.

I'd far rather be in a care home with company than sitting in a lonely flat waiting for someone to come and give me a meal.
Only snag about 'choosing' a home in advance is that there are often long waiting lists and when admission is required there could be no rooms available.
No easy answers. None of us know if, when, or how long we might need care.

Just thinking about it.
Let's say I get to 90 before I need looking after- even just a bit. My son will be 62. He'll have a least another 5 years to work before he gets a pension, another 8 years if the pension age is raised to 70 by then.
He can't spend his days looking after me. He'll be working.

We had our grandparents living with us and it was very special to have been able to really know them. They were fairly independent although we all would do things for them. It did not seem to be a burden as there was a lot of love around and they kept their wits all their days.
My own mother died 35 years ago today so I never did have the chance to have her with me. She was only in her 50s.
My father who was much older came to live with us but it didn't work out as he tried to take over and caused a great deal of discord. He eventually went into a small property nearby much to our relief. He did not want to be in a care home although that is what he really needed. He was busy pulling all our strings to the day he died but he had heart ptoblems and mercifully it was not very long.
I don't want to be a burden either but whichever one of us is left behind will have to work that out with our DC and I know full well that it would not be the same in each case. I have asked our DC not to allow themselves to be sacrificed in any efforts to keep us with them because they have their own lives to live.

I think I have mentioned before that one of my neighbours used the equity in her home to fund a team of carers to look after her in her own home. She had no children and her nephew's and nieces didn't come near her. She said to me that they will all come out of the woodwork when I'm dead and talk of how fond of me they were. She was absolutely right - they did! She lived to 93 and was very happy in her own home and said to me two days before she died that she felt it was time to go now and so she did just that..

We moved to this town because it has good care homes for when the time comes. Any of them will do, it will depend where there’s space at the time. In between there’s the slippery slope of increasing need. We can walk (or disabled buggy) to the shops/doctors/dentis/hairdresser etc for when we can’t drive any more but we will still need them for minor house maintenance stuff. Hopefully they’ll be able to fit that in without too much trouble as they’ll still all be at work and desperately saving to help the DGC through university.

There are also those who are determined not to be a burden and try to soldier on with no help at all.....

When my own mother became unable to look after herself, she told Social Services, while in hospital, that she would be getting full time care from me, as I was giving up my job to look after her. Initially, Social Services didn't even bother to check with me, just made the decision at a meeting to send her home from hospital, as she was bed blocking.
This was despite the fact that I had rheumatoid arthritis, was unable to lift her, had three children still in secondary school and a very demanding job which paid my mortgage. Giving up my job would have meant losing my home.
Ironically we had moved to a larger house with the intention of bringing my mother to live with us, for when the time came that she couldn't live on her own.
We moved, she refused to move in with us.
It's not just about looking after elderly parents out of love or duty, it's all the other things you have to consider: the impact on your own physical and mental well being, the impact on your family who also need you, financial factors,
the physical and mental condition of your parent, your relationship with your parent.
I sound very hard and bitter, but my mother broke my health and spirit with her constant, unreasonable demands, cruel tongue and generally making my life hell. Nothing I could do was right. My GP, who was also her GP said that she would be the death of me.
One day I broke down at work and my colleagues insisted I phone Social Services and ask for more help. I just couldn't do it anymore.
My mother only lasted a few months with additional carers coming in before she ended up permanently in care.
I am quite sad reading all the lovely mothers' day posts here about the Gransnetters who have been blessed with a loving relationships with their parents. I would have given anything for a loving mother.
Sheila Hancock has the right idea.

I have been in my bed now since 7:45pm, I got my H in bed at 7pm.
He is a couple of weeks short of 82, I am nearing 81.
If I could afford a really good care home for us both, I would consider it.
It would cost £2000 A week.
It all boils down to money.
How easy it is to say I have chosen my path when money doesn't matter.
For most of us it isn't a choice.

My late friend said she would prefer her children to visit her in a care home once a week and remember her clean and tidy, bathed and powdered. She did not want them to have memories of wiping her bottom as she grew too frail to do it herself. She was a wise woman and I miss her every day.

"Rich Old Lady Has Made Arrangements For Her Future In Residential Care"

Why is this even news?

I'm afraid my reaction to the article was, 'Who cares?'

I am fed up with 'celebs' "inviting" us into their well-heeled lives just so they can pass on their oh so difficult decisions as if we're going to leap into action and do likewise.

When her husband, John Thaw died, SH practically made a cottage industry out of her life with and without him.

What happens to us will be all about money. Always has been, always will be.

She should be careful care homes change and today's 'excellent' is tomorrow's 'failing'. A friend of mine says she is going to find someone really bad and kill them, then she'll be sent to prison and have 24 hour care free of charge!
I favour a ticket to Switzerland.

Sorted out plans to go into a home are like planning your funeral: a comfort to those planning them, but otherwise fairly useless.

When SH reaches a point where she needs to go into care, her daughters will already have been worrying for several years about how long she can continue at home on her own, given her declining health. If she gets dementia she will be past making any decisions by the time she needs care anyway and her daughters will have a new set of worries over visiting her and the quality of her care.

But if she is happy to think that what she has done will stop her children worrying about her and take a burden off them, let her stay with her delusion, it obviously gives her peace of mind.

A factor not considered in the discussion above is the size of the family. Back in the day families tended to be larger such that care of the oldies could be shared or one (often an unmarried daughter) could do the caring, with support, both practical and financial from her siblings.

Times have changed, families are smaller and many more live on into very old age. When we were in our 50's we had a long period when 'only child' DH's Mother, F, and maiden Aunt were all ill and need care, while my DM and her maiden sister were also ill and in and out of hospital. I had one sister but she, like me, was working full time and supporting children through tertiary education. We were in an impossible situation, and with no spare money to throw at the problem had to battle with SW and health care providers, while spending every hour of spare time, shopping, cooking, sorting finances, cleaning, hospital visiting, etc. to fill the gaps in provision.

It was always my intention to shield my DDs from the burden of caring for us, their parents, but since my DH succumbed to dementia, the truth is that I could not cope without the support of my DDs. They have also made it plain that they WANT to help their Dad in any way they can, even pointing out to me that they are blood relatives, while I am not

Let’s face it, with money, care wouldn’t be a problem. I vaguely remember a few years ago reading about an elderly American millionaire who was in her 90s and lived on a luxury cruise ship with a companion for most of the year -got all her meals, on board doctor, loads of attention, she said it was as good as a nursing home.

It's easier to pontificate when you have the funds to keep you in comfort regardless of your degree of dependence.
This is such a personal issue, some families are close and will help each other others can't or won't help for whatever reason.
We do not have children so they can look after us in our old age, I see many families brought to desperation trying to care for elderly relatives. We need to pay more into the system to get more out. Simplistic I know but we have to start somewhere.

This is a subject that really worries me. I have absolutely no idea how I will cope if my health fails. My son's can't look after me. I can't afford residential care. Nor lots of help in the home. Basically I'm stuffed if I get ill. So I hope a heart attack or stroke finishes me off quickly. - But not just yet.

Yes, she has the means to chose.

Choose.

I believe that there's an initiative in Manchester looking new ways of delivering health and social care. Is this the way to go?

www.greatermanchester-ca.gov.uk/info/20008/health_and_social_care