DIL rude to me

The death of a mother so soon after the birth of a child means more likelihood of post-natal depression. So yes, as so many have said, he needs you to be quiet and in the background. Yes, she may resent you for being there when her own mother isn't - logic doesn't apply.
Once, about 30 years ago, I was rude to a friend of my mother's. My mother was very ill and I felt this friend was 'in the way' - although really she wasn't! The next time I saw her, my mum was so much better, and I tried to apologise. She took my hand and said 'there is no need, I understand what you were feeling'. Her kindness meant so much.

This will be completely the wrong time to say anything, in fact it will be a good time to show how nice people behave and offer as much help that is needed. She has lost her mother and therefore these issues should not be addressed and hopefully she will see you in a new light.

I agree, now is your opportunity to be supportive to your DIL at what is obviously a difficult time in her life, New baby, losing mother, awful situation. However I do find it difficult in general in these circumstances to understand sons who let their wives treat their mums in this way. Surely if a DIL expects her husband to treat her family well and make them welcome then the same should apply to his family, unless there’s a good reason. Feel very sad for those grandparents who get cut out of their children’s and grandchildren’s lives

There will never be a good time to 'say something to DiL'. Although you feel unhappy with the situation as it is, read carefully the responses from others who have lost all contact with DS,DiL and DGC. Please be careful not to find yourself in that dreadful situation.

The fact you've even thought to do this now makes me bilieve that you hold enough blame for any failing relationship.
If you can't keep your mouth shut then don't go. She does not need to deal with any drama you want to cause.

It can be hard, but someone once said of MIL and DIL, that you both love the same man. Of course it is different! But it is easy to feel left out, insecure or jealous, and as others have said, as MILs it is up to us to give the young couple space, to respect the huge change that DS 's marriage brings, and to stand in their shoes , if we feel uncared for. Our lives as mothers of young children is over - it is in the natural course of things that our DS will find a partner. And it is natural that everyone has to adjust. If DIL is sometimes cool, maybe she is feeling insecure. As others have said, it is so important not to cause a breach. If you think of how she is feeling, and act from empathy , you may find you have a happy relationship from now on. I wish you well! I have to walk carefully with one of my DILs - and it is worth it!

I for one who lives with father in law, knows some things that would be rude. One: Stupid jokes, or rude jokes that hurt feelings. Two: Let her do it, if she wants to do it. Three: Stay out of her way. Four: It is not you it her. Stop buying stuff she does not need, my fil does that and I always say no.
I understand because I been living with this for over 40 years.

I completely agree this is not the time to say anything.

However, in the bigger scheme of things, I once again find myself shocked and gravely concerned at the prevalence of 'banning' grandparents as a strategy.... how this cutting us off seems to be such a ready option. Since when? It does seem to be DiL driven and it does seem to be, ultimately, because they feel they CAN? How come?

There must be a silent epidemic of grieving in society which needs to be addressed. First it needs to be called out for what it is - abuse (of power?).

I wonder whether it stems from our adult children not knowing how to 'police' intergenerational or interfamilial boundaries and so easier to cop out completely by cutting off? Either way it feels harmful for society as a whole since it represents yet further family breakdown.

I firmly believe what comes around goes around. It’s disgusting the way you’re treated. You’re son shouldn’t let his wife treat you like something they’ve trodden in. He needs to man up and insist you get treated with respect at all times as you only have one mother. Partners come and go mothers are for life. Sick of all this treading on eggshells. You’re son will stand up for you one day when his kids are older and he’s fed up of his nasty wife. Hang on in there x

Should I put my foot down and tell her I will not be treated so disrespectfully or turn another blind eye to it, in view of the sad situation with her mother?

Analysing this query is quite revealing. Do you truly feel that it is the moment to to put your foot down and tell her how you want to be treated? I do not think it is something you should say at any time - but when she has just lost her Mum? - how will this help anyone?

Your son is busy trying to support his grieving wife, and you are asking whether you should challenge her attitudes? Will your son thank you for this? Will it help him? - will it help her?

Will it make you feel better in any way? Have you the strength to deal with being ostrasized by your son and his family?

I seriously think that your feelings are not the main priority in this situation and that you should ask what (or who) is?

Everything Luckygirl has said. ( and said so well)

This might not be the right time at this moment due to dil losing her mother but it’s not right for you to be abused any more because that’s what it is ABUSE! and it needs to be addressed eventually . Your son needs to protect you as well as iam sure dil did with her mum. No one has a right to abuse someone else and use their children to control the situation. We get treated the way we allow in life. It’s up to you whether you think you can deal with being abused. You’re just as important as your dil and your son will remember that eventually. Good luck

Bbbface, I agree. How could you think of having it out with her about her lack of respect for you when you have been asked to help and support after the death and funeral of your DiL's mother. Not a lot there to respect.

The abuse still needs addressing though. No one would like to be treated badly . This is a growing problem in this society and it needs to be talked about and brought out into the light . It’s a hidden abuse. People used to say the mil from hell now it turning into the dil from hell. No one has the right to abuse another person

What do you call abuse then Sandym8 All I can see is she is cool not a crime and often rude That’s says nothing at all what one person would call rude another wouldn’t I personally think it rude to be asking if poster should tackle her when she’s just lost her mum but there’s no examples or quotes of her being rude so what actually are you suggesting is abusive in this story ?

Here's your chance to make or break the relationship Emm14 - presumably you are being asked to look after your DGS so you are being asked to be part of his life for this weekend at least.

If you go ahead and tell your DIL when she is grief-stricken that you dislike the way she treats you then you may well find that this is the last time you see your DGS.
It would be a most insensitive thing to do.

Now is the time to build the relationship not destroy it.

There are different kinds of abuse , one is when someone makes you feel worthless and not wanted. Another is violence. Everyone knows abuse is normally a hidden activity done in a sutle way and hidden from others. That’s why it can go on for some time. If this lady is saying her dil doesn’t treat her properly who our we to say it’s not true. All iam saying is there is a problem growing in this society and the children do get dragged into it and are prevented from seeing their grandparents for no good reason. Iam not saying all mil are always right either but there is an increasing number of grandparents being cut of from their grandchildren and winning cases in court to get access. This lady has been advised to keep quiet and not rock the boat in case she looses access to her grandchild. That’s not right.

Do you have some problems with either a MIL or DIL Sandym8? If so, perhaps you would like to start a thread because there are some really supportive Grans on here who may be able to help you.

You know what I wish for for everyone, is we all try and love and respect each other. I think women should stick together more and appreciate each other more. It’s a shame but society is breaking apart . We need to encourage people to open up and talk about abuse whatever form it comes in. We need to not be afraid to be open and honest with our loved ones. That’s the only way forward . Keeping quiet never works really. It just prolongs the problem .

Emm14..... I don't want to jump in without being clear over some of the facts.

On the face of your post, I concur with the others that this would be the worst possible time for a confrontation because you need to respect that your DIL is grieving over the death of her mother.
You also mention that DIL was rude and passive aggressive towards you. Did her mother die suddenly or was she ill during all or part of the year in question? I mention because her mother's serious illness was bound to affect her moods and her personality. Stress driven behaviors can often be misinterpreted.

If nothing else, do your best to be supportive. Why squander the unique opportunity that you now have to turn things around for the better? It's in your grandson's best interest for this relationship to be mended. Your heart may not be in it, but you may be surprised to find that forgiveness and generosity can turn an adversarial relationship into one of genuine affection.

Sandym I m totally aware of hidden abuse and that might be the case, but there are no examples of it given so there is no way of knowing if the daughter in law is really abusive or not, but even if she is rude and uncaring the only way forward is for the poster to be the bigger person and make a friend of her The son has asked her to come to the house to support her which is a nice gesture and I would have thought the PERFECT opening for Emm to start a better relationship with her daughter in law, instead she’s asking if she should start a row !
I think women should stick together isn’t the daughter in law a woman

Emm, of course you shouldn't say anything. Your poor dil has had a baby and lost her mother, how do you suppose she feels? I think she and your son need support. I would seriously ask yourself what you do want.

Wow! Can’t tell how much I appreciate you all taking the time to offer some advice - thank you so much everyone. You are right, of course, I can’t be heartless and confront her at this sad time. I will bite my tongue and busy myself with whatever I can do to support them all. But I do need to address this issue of her completely unacceptable treatment of not only me, but my daughter too. I do feel she is deeply resentful of the close and happy relationship I have with my children, the wonderful upbringing they’ve had and all love in the world. She hasn’t had that. She comes from very troubled background; hasn’t had the opportunities and security my children have had. Hand on heart, I truly have been so kind to her, so giving and generous but have had nothing but coldness. An example, I messaged her with my sincere condolences at the loss of her mother and stressed I was here to support her in any way I can. I got nothing back, no acknowledgement. But she has been on FB responding to the many messages she’s had from others. It hurts. What is particularly upsetting is the difference in how my son has treated her family - he financially supported her mother as she had to give up work due to illness. He has been wonderful and continues to be, supporting his wife through this sad time. I will address this unjust situation but not now. I will get through the weekend and do my best for them both. Thank you again, so very much x

I think this stems from jealousy. Now that she has found someone to love her, she wants to keep him all to herself.

My eldest sons’ first wife was like this. Her parents were highly critical of her, she argued constantly with her sisters and had always been in trouble in school. In an argument with him, she once told him, “The trouble with your family, is that none of you can see any wrong in each other”.

I was thinking about this when I posted earlier. She was so used to volatility and arguments that she would go out of her way to provoke him. He was such a mild mannered gentle person and she would get very angry with him because he would not argue,

Her rudeness to us took many forms, going out with the children to her mothers if we were 10 minutes late for a visit. Completely ignoring us if we went out for a meal.

I don’t think it is ever worth confronting people like this. I think she is trying to provoke you into a reaction. That way she can force your son to choose, with the hope that he will stop seeing you.

Emm14 god luck. Its hard!