Bullying

I think this is a friendship that is coming to an end; the girls have different schools, friends and homes and they are moving in different directions; one is more reluctant to move on than the other. Naturally you are horrified at what you have learned, but you need to give this girl a chance to explain herself. You have known her for eight years, observed her at close quarters in your own home, yet gone from thinking her to be 'perfect inside and out' ( not a very sensible comment to make about a child) to calling her 'evil, manipulative, controlling and a bully' based purely on what your grand daughter has said. She may well have changed, but have you personally seen any evidence of this?
Bullying flourishes in a climate of secrecy and needs to be tackled quickly, openly and fairly. At the very least you need to explain to the other girl why she is no longer welcome in your house, and listen to what she has to say.
You must also persuade your grand daughter to discuss it with her parents.

Hello Lilylaundry. This is a horrid situation for your granddaughter and a difficult one for you to deal with, but may I suggest you reframe the way you think about the girl who is doing the bullying? She is undoubtedly behaving badly, but I doubt she is evil, she too is just eleven years old and something has gone wrong with her life or moral compass to cause her to act in this way. I know it's hard to do this (I have a daughter who was bullied mercilessly so I'm not unsympathetic to you), but I often think bullying has two victims; the bullied child and the perpetrator.
For informed help and advice you can contact the helpline of Bullying UK, or call Childline. If you click on the blue links there is a lot of advice that you may find helpful, but a chat to one of the helplines may be more beneficial.

Sorry paddyann if you thought I was making light of bullying. Nothing could be further from the truth and I too know only too well about the danger of suicide through bullying. I detest bullies and what they do to the lives of others (close family included). i have read the OP again and realise that I thought the threat of this girl getting her friends to beat up lilys GD was something the GD had thought of rather than a real threat from this other girl. If the case is that the other girl has issued the threat then of course lily should tell her GD parents straight away.

crafting it IS a major problem ,bullying has caused children to commit suicide.It might sound harmless to you but believe me as someone who lived through years of it with my daughter it is no such thing ...and it gets worse .It needs nipped in the bud.I would tell her parents AND let them know if it continued even remotely by social media or phone then the police would be called .This child needs to feel safe and her tormentor needs to be punished

Sorry lily not got my head on straight tonight. I now realise both girls are 11.

Actually, just read your OP again and I wonder if this is really bullying or just the older girl trying to push the boundaries with her younger friend.
Please believe me I hate bullies but would advise caution about talking to the other girls parents. Please don't go in all guns blazing. A lot of children get bullied in one way or another try not to let your GD think this is a major problem or she may get even more anxious and worried. Deal with it in a calm and supportive way.

lily you e had some good suggestions from here. I dont have anything to add other than I wonder have you had a look at the web sites for kidscape.org.uk and bullying.co.uk. Childline also have some advice on their web site. Your granddaughter could also talk with someone there by phone to offload if she needs to although if she doesn’t have her own phone to use at home I imagine that would be difficult for her. May be some things there to help? It’s a horrid situation, I’m sorry you’re having to manage it but so pleased your granddaughter has your support. Let us know how things work out.

I would try and get your DGD to understand that the friendship will NOT return to how it was. They live in different towns and go to different schools so she needs to be encouraged to make new friends.

Eleven is such a difficult age. All those raging hormones and 'fallings out.' They may resurrect their friendship in years to come but if one is seriously bullying the other it's time for your DGD to end the current relationship and try to move on.

If your GD lives an hour away from this child and only comes in contact with her when meeting at your house, why not limit or stop their contact. Is your 8 year old GD allowed out on her bike away from you. Sounds a bit young to be going out on her own even with an 11 year old. Now you know the problem, keep a very close watch. The older girl might just be trying it on a bit as your GD is so much younger. Try not to worry (famous last words, I've been a worrier all my life!) Keep you GD close to you and don't let her go off with this other girl. Can they play in your garden? if you don't stop them seeing each other (which is an option) try coming up with some games you can play with them. Try not to get too stressed and discuss with your own GD parents rather than the other girls. Good your GD feels she can confide in you.

Thanks Elainel. I shall be seeing my D and GD tomorrow, but won't have time to go into the whole saga but I will be seeing D again Sunday when I take GD back home.

GD and her 'friend' go to different schools in different towns so that makes life a little less complicated.

GD is not on any social media, thank goodness.

I need some time to get more information from GD to arm myself with facts before facing the bully and her family. Hopefully GD will talk more freely tomorrow when just the two of us are together. She is so afraid of loosing the friendship of this girl and just wants their relationship to be as it was.

I know if I tell GD's mum and dad the visits to us will stop. She is an only child and her every move is monitored by her parents.

I want to get this sad story finished this weekend, which includes not having that nasty child in my home again.

To top everything off, GD started her periods last summer, so early for a girl. and is having lots of pain and heavy bleeding. Doctor has given her pills but they don't seem to be working as yet.

Wish us all luck!

I think you should try and get your GD to tell her Mum what has been happening - perhaps with you there - maybe have a girly day out? It is dangerous if she is being encouraged to go on busy roads apart from anything else. I see they are in different towns and hopefully not at the same school but there can be all sorts of nasty bullying on social media as well and while she might be a little young legally for this, many 11 year olds use it so you and Mum might include safety online and what to do about it. I feel so upset for your GD and you x

Thanks for the advice MO. My GD comes to visit us and the other child used to live in our street years ago. I asked her mum if her child would like to play with our GD for an hour or two and it all started from there.

I am picking my GD up tomorrow and we will discuss how to handle this on the way home, its about an hours journey.

I will incorporate all your wonderful advice and pick out the bits which GD feels comfortable with, then talk to the friend.

I love the bit about the police involvement.

I will tell both sets of parents when I know that evil child is, if not completely as she lives the same town as me, out of our lives.

To Baggs. No, they think as I did that she can do no harm, 'perfect inside and out' they report on facebook.

I probably can't, actually. GillyBob suggested talking about an imaginary scenario, and that seems a reasonable way to go. Something about how nobody should be bullied, what the girls' ideas are about what constitutes bullying, and asking if they can think of anyone who may feel bullied. Ask them what they think someone who is bullied should do, make some suggestions, including the fact that the police can be bought in.

I deduce from your post that the 'friend' lives in your town and is a friend from when the two girls lived close to each other. Now your DGD lives in a different town and is at a different school. Does your DGD visit in order to see her 'friend'?

If my reading of the situation is accurate, then the answer is simple, stop asking the 'friend' round. If the girls do not see each other, then the 'friend' cannot bully your DGD.

It is important that you show your DGD the proper way to deal with bullying and let her know that if she tells an adult they will deal with it. She is not missing her friend, she is missing the person her friend used to be. That person has chosen to go away and become instead the one that bullies.

Think of new and interesting things to do with your DGD, in the time now available to you both. They needn't be expensive, making and doing: cooking together, playing board games doing jigsaws. Do not do anything that takes her out of the house in case you bump into the bully.

If the 'friend' asks why she is not invited, just say that it is difficult for you, now you are not as well as you were, or something non specific like that, that means anything or nothing.

Personally, I would tell DGD's parents. If they find out later, and assuredly they will, it could permanently damage your relationship with them and therefore your DGD.

Tell them what your DGD has told you and how you intend to deal with it. They can then decide what they think is the best way to react. If it means stopping the visits for awhile. that is a better price to pay than the complete rupture that could happen if you do not tell them.

No, not yet. I have only just found out about it this week.

Can you give me some clues on a nice but firm way. She will deny she is a bully or even asked GD to do anything untoward. I know I am surmising she will deny it all but from what I have seen and learned, she will.

I do think girls are particularly good at the underhand, manipulative bullying, which makes it harder to prove than beating someone up. It does need to be dealt with.

deal with it before it gets out of hand,my daughter was bullied all the way through high school ..the school denied it was happening like you're GD's "friend" the girls who were doing it were perfect little angels when adults were around.DD had jewellery taken off her was beaten,followed home from school and pushed in front of a bus and much more.WE got the police involved and it eventually stopped.They bully because they can get away with it.I had one teacher virtually call me a liar when I said who the main bully was!Sadly it has lived with my girl all her life...she still crosses the road to avoid these women 25 years later and it had an effect on her mental health in her late teens and later.

Do the child's parents know?

I would have her round, and find some way of addressing the issue directly with her, in a nice (but firm) way.

Yes maybe lemon is right. Don’t let the little brat in your house again.

Chances are your DGD hasn’t even told you the full picture, and if she is upset, it has to stop.

I would ask you DGD to encourage the other girl to come along to yours as usual. Take it as an opportunity to bring something up (make a story up if you need to) about something you have heard in the news or someone you know who has been a victim of bullying and the consequences once the bullies were found out. Don’t say anything too obvious that might make the girl suspicious that you DGD may have discussed it with you. You could say that the police got involved and ask their opinions. Perhaps say something like “if anyone ever bullied either of you, I would hope you could tell me” . Might make the bully think again. In time perhaps you could discourage the friendship and advise your DGD to stay out of her way.

Why would they stop your DGD from staying with you?
They should be told about it.