What to do?

You are completely right that cleaning up after her is enabling her and we have said we won't do it any more. I'm determine to try and give the girls a good Christmas - as you say they are completely torn, rather like a dog with a cruel owner will still love him they sometimes hate their mother, but she is all they have. She has just told my DIL that she hasn't washed or changed her clothes for five days. I am definitely going to try the NSPCC tomorrow. Despite the terrible squalor they are living in the children are in reasonably good spirits most of the time.

I think Al Anon would be a good port of call for you. You want to help, but in doing things such as cleaning her former home, people are enabling her to continue behaving as she is. This can lead to codependency- I learnt this the hard way, so I do understand what you’re going through. Basically, she has to face up to the consequences of her life choices. She can’t do that if she’s being bailed out each time she screws up. Harsh but true.

Regarding her daughters, they must be torn between love and loyalty for the parent who hasn’t deserted them and a yearning for a better life. I feel for them and hope you find the answers you are seeking here. Best wishes and well done you for taking on the responsibility of trying to sort this out.

Boarding school is really not an option - there isn't enough money for that. Their father lives in France and is an alcoholic who sleeps in a room in a friend's house. He couldn't take them and besides the older girl hates him. The NSPCC is a good idea - they might be able to offer some suggestions. She has been going to a local Inclusion group - they help people with drug and alcohol problems, but she doesn't go very often, she has also been to AA but again doesn't go very often - says the people aren't friendly. The school are also trying to help. I have just come back from there - I didn't of into the house just saw it through the window!!! There was a used tampon lying on the grass outside the back door. She has just had four days off (because she was suspended) but has done nothing in the house - she says she has slept the whole time - classic sign of depression. I have begged her to go to the doctor but she says it is pointless as they refuse to give her anti-depressants in case she kills herself.
Unfortunately re spreading the load for the children there is only me and my DIL. Her brother is abroad until the New Year but I very much doubt that he will help.

I hope you find a solution what a mess you poor soul Do the girls want to come to you and how are they behaviourwise are they girls that would fit in and perhaps help you or are they entrenched in untidy poor behaviour as that’s all they have ever known
I can see how you would feel cut in two what a horrible dilemma I think you need to talk it over with some
professions before coming to any conclusions and seeing what help there would be for you if you did take them in x
Is it something that a few of you could share not very settling for the girls but just a thought

I have no advice to add but would like to say that I think you are lovely for trying to help your step GC there are a few who would deem it not to be their problem.
I hope you find a solution.

Is the childrens father involved at all, and can he offer any assistance. Financial or otherwise? Its a very sad situation for all, especially the children and very difficult for you and your dil to cope with.
Instead of social services you might try phoning the nspcc or some other children's charity for advice. If social services do become involved they wouldn't necessarily remove the children but opt to support their mother if they felt she wants to make changes and they would then supervise the care of the children. You would still be able to be involved and see them regularly.

Oh dear, what a mess with no obvious solution. The only thought that springs to mind is the possibility of boarding school for the girls. Would that be financially possible? It would give them stability and they would have each other for support. Family members would be able to visit and have them stay during the holidays under your own control rather than having to follow SW protocols.

This is my problem - half the time the children say they want to go into care and the other half of the time that they want to stay with there mother (or with me). I do wonder if I should try to have them but I am in my mid seventies and I'm not at all sure that I'm prepared to have two adolescent girls disrupting my life. However maybe we can come to a compromise that they come to me a couple of nights a week. I'm heading off to talk to stepdaughter now - feeling ghastly as I have a nasty cold and am on antibiotics for a badly cut finger! Talk about the Christmas spirit.

Perhaps contact social services childrens dept or similar but once you do it is out of your hands if they decide the children need to be removed from their home. Have you spoken to children , not about being put into care but if they are unhappy at home. Some children no matter what problems in the home love the parent. I remember a boy here being put into care, he was fostered eighty miles from home, only eleven , he kept trying to get back to his mother .

I understand that, but am not sure how to go about seeing if this can happen. Also my DIL and I would want to continue contact with them I just don't think it is feasible for either of us to bring them up.

Their mother may not overcome her addiction so the children would be in care until age sixteen .