Hello, it's me, Bertha. I've sneaked in on Brian's internet connections because I can't email him or anything. They must have had a bad night with the dog. Well I just want to say thank you for those kind words Elegran but I don't think that I would have suitable material for your groups. I'm not a very good conversationalist and soon get tongue tied. However, there was an incident a couple of weeks ago though that happened on our anniversary. I'll try and tell you about it. Like I said, it was our anniversary and hubby and I were trying to celebrate it. Joe, that's hubby well into his seventies, isn't very agile and we had to call the neighbours in to help lift him on me.
"Anything else Joe?" they asked.
"Yes" he replied, "can you come back in a half hour and lift me off please."
"Right on Joe, we'll be back."
Then the pantomime began. He's well built for his age and was about halfway through, it felt like it was a lot more than halfway when suddenly he yelled loudly.
"OH NO" he shouted, "I THINK I'VE GOT THE POOPS".
He was off like a shot for the toilet. I must point out here that the seat was up. He turned sharply to get the right position and at the same time, pulled the seat down. I heard a big scream and ran into the bathroom to investigate. The stupid old sod had trapped his willie, am I allowed to use that word?, between the seat and the toilet.
"Stand up," I told him.
"I can't," he shouted, "Ive got the SH..."
"I know I know," I souted back, "you've got dia, dioarh, the poops.
He urgently needed to extracate himself. Liquid soap I thought and quickly reached for the squeeze bottle and squirted it in the required area. Well, I thought it was liquid soap. It wasn't, it was bleach. His screams were terrible. Well I meant well. Anyway, I reached for the shower pipe and sprayed itl onto his you know what. Eventually I got him onto his feet and I hastily checked for any damage.
His, his err, willie, after being trapped and bleached now looked like an ice cream lollipop. The EMT came, that's paramedic to you, doused him in cream, put him on a trolley and wheeled him outside to the ambulance. As they were wheeling him, I tried to explain what had happened. Both EMT's tried to contol their laughter, but it was futile and they both doubled up with laughter on the ground. This meant that they had lost control of the trolley. We live on a hill and yes, the trolley was off heading srtaight towards the cross roads. The resulting pile up wasn't too bad, but some dilbert shouted at my husband had he not seen that the lights were at red. That was it, Joe was off his trolley and wading into the man who had shouted at him. By the time he had finished, another ambulance was needed. There was police everywhere, lots of dented cars, EMT's one naked man and one naked woman, that was me. If you remember we were .......... AT IT when all this started.
The headlines in the newpaper next day read, COPULATING COUPLE CAUSE CHAOS AT CALVERTON CROSS ROADS..
I might drop by again one day.
apart from my inner pedant recoiling from the thread title 
and piss them off.