The New Argy Bargy cafe, please pop in!?

Well, I've been eating porridge at one of Her Majesty's large hotels for the last 4 weeks. And did a single one of you come to put up bail for me? Hmmm? No you did not! I got nicked when I went out trying to flog that vile moonshine that lemon stockpiled in the cellar at the old Argy. Thought I'd got a punter who wanted to buy the lot and it was a cops set up. I've been eating porridge and sewing mailbags for 4 bloody weeks!

A likely story! Wee Wullie has also been missing for the last four weeks. Get my drift?

Well, been standing at the bar for ages and not been served. You can’t miss me I’m wearing my orange crimplene jumpsuit. Very sophisticated, except for the time (hardly worth mentioning) when I had that bit of trouble in the Ladies. Couldn’t get the dam thing off in time could I! Well if it happens again I’ll blame the puddle on the dog. By the way, I’ll laugh at all your jokes cause I’m wearing my feather knickers. No VPL. I told you I was sophisticated. So where's my drink?

Sorry was in the cellar again, I'll get a bell or something on the bar or grab my attention next time, anyway I've finished flushing my pipes so what can I get you? I have some beer Thant a bit tangy as it's out of date, you can have it half price if you want to take a risk?

Welcome to the Argy Artyfarty. I've heard your name and am honoured to meet you in the flesh. I soooooooo love your orange jumpsuit with the strange stains on it. The orange really compliments the lime green and purple highlights in your hair.
I believe you are of an artistic persuasion and wondered if you would oblige us buy painting a Muriel on the Argy walls????? We don't have any funds, but would cover your drinks tab.?

Well I’m glad you recognise true genius when you see it Marydoll. It has been insinuated by certain people that I am in fact more farty than arty. This is a shameful insult and has nothing to do with the strange stains on my jumpsuit. I am a sensitive soul and can only begin creating once the booze muse has inspired me.

Sent from my iPad

No, must put my well shod foot down here, NO pictures of Muriel on these walls please, it will put the customers off their faggots ‘n peas.
Welcome artyfarty as long as you keep your paints off the walls and your farts contained .......unless! Could you perhaps do a duet with POGS our resident musical farter?

Well ( rubs hands together) we certainly made a fortune from that raffle! Plenty to keep us going, pay for all the booze, food and coffee we ordered from the suppliers and some over to get Chewy out of stir.Hooray!
Now listen Jane10 the third prize wasn’t a night out with Jason the alsation, it was to keep him, and ( just my luck) I won third prize....so he is asleep behind the bar as usual, sigh.

If you ask me Meno you flush your pipes a bit too often, maybe you should see the doc?

We could hold a promises auction too. Now, what could we all promise?
I promise a litre of my best sloe gin ...

I promise not to steal the takings (again!)

I promise to drink more gin.
Seriously though, a promises auction could be a great idea, thanks JaneD3
How about on Wed evening, business is always slow then, it may bring in the punters.
I have also been thinking of Friday night being curry night (use up all that old stuff we have) and Sat night is talent night!

I promise to drink more cranberry juice

I promise to check the cellar every night before locking up so that Meno and her pipes don't get stuck again. but she may not thank me

Spoilsport

I promise to bring Little Willie home at a reasonable time each night or at least when I've finished with him.

I promise to take everything Chewy says with a pinch of salt.?

Hello, been asleep in a corner for a little while. who's Little Willie? Does he have a bigger brother??

Little Willie is the big brother of Big Jim who is, by reputation, much smaller than Little Willie. Hope that helps.

Well, so much for the promises auction!
We need a better idea for making money.What about a Happy Hour once a day, say about 7 pm?
Or a quiz? I have had leaflets printed for Friday Night Is Curry Night, could you all take about 50 each and hand them out on your way home?

Yes Blinko Little Willy is feckin’ enormous! Has a bit of a temper on him as well, so stay on his good side.

Now, who’s up for a cocktail? A Manhattan? Sex on the beach? Name your poison.

My son's girlfriend has just told me about having a Limoncello and Prosecco cocktail. I'll think I'll have one of those, if it's not too much trouble.?

Careful you don't pick up the lemon Flash instead of the limoncello, I did that once and I'm still burping bubbles. Curry night sounds good, are we getting it from the local takeaway or making it ourselves?

Oh none of that takeaway nonsense. I'll make if from scratch ings. There must be plenty of of things lying about, in the store cupboard, we can use. Curry powder will mask the taste and smell.
Anyway, the punters will be so mesmirised by Chewy's dance of the seven veils, combined with her belly wobbling routine, they they will never notice.
Meno and Lemongrove, you did mention it to her, didn't you????