I was just passing by and the smell of coffee 
drew me in.The place looks sparkling, we will use those cleaners again, and this time I will stay and supervise them.
I happened to be strolling by the Argy tonight just "walking the dog, you understand and I couldn't help but notice that your cash in hand "cleaners" were having a bit of a session lemon. 
Not only were they they dancing semi nekkied on the tables, but Big Jim, Little Willie, Febrese and Claxon were handing out bottles of that firewater you've been brewing in the outside lav and charging 27p a pint for it. I went in to throw them all out but when I woke up.... they'd all gone.
Careful there Soop or we may not require any more of your baked goods ( or baked bads as we like to call them
) and you know you need the money to care for your small herd of wild haggis.
Yes, Big Jim and Mary are an item ( that could change)
He hasn’t seen me in my sparkly mini dress as yet, I wouldn't say it’s too short, mind, it’s tasteful and just covers my essentials.
So, it appears that Marydoll has bagged Big Jim for herself. I was miffed when he took me to one side (in the cellar) and said he was spoken for. Mind you, whilst I was under the influence (don't ask) a drayman arrived to deliver the hard stuff. I volunteered to sample his wares. We got tipsy and I've only just made my way through the Caff door. Blimey, it's a real wreck...the door...the rozzers had to bash it in recently in order to arrest a few of the customers who were "disturbing the peace". Now, in my kitchen, such shenanigans 'ardly ever 'appen. We're proper laydees. We wipe our noses on cotton hankies with little roses embroidered in the corner. I noted that you lot use your cuffs. Sooooo common!
Last one out locks up.
Ah, great, you’re all back safe and sound in The Argy after your shenanigans round the town.
You are looking very chic tonight Mary your fish net tights are hardly torn at all, although you do know that your wig is on back to front, right?
Chewy so glad you got out, I did my ‘spell in a cell’ recently so know the score.
Drinks on the house for everyone! ?????
I'm back, I bet you were all wondering where I have been.
Oh I wasn't missed???
Do you remember the Irish themed party we had and I was dressed as a particularly attractive leprechaun?
Well there was an Irish rugby team drinking in the Argy that night and somehow, 
I ended up on the team bus back to Dublin as their mascot. It's all a bit hazy, I don't really remember much about it, apart from waking up in the luggage compartment of the bus, wearing rugby kit. Copious amounts of Guinness apparently were consumed.
I have been "working" my way around Dublin to make enough dosh to get back home. Thanks goodness I have lots of experience as a scrubber.
Oh dear, is that "Soop", who has appeared in the Caff? I fear I may have won her over to the dark side, when we met up in Edinburgh. She used to be so refined.
I hope she hasn't been cavorting with BIG Jim. Remember, he is mine, mine, mine!!!!
PS, whose Nanny is that who has appeared in the Caff? All she seems to do is drink Tee all day.
PPS, better get some jam sandwiches prepared, we may have a new member, but I hear she finds us all a bit scary and over the top.
PPS, Chewy's sentence for drunk and disorderly is nearly up. She finally managed to bribe the Governor.
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