lunch

merlotgran I was laughing so much at your "mice" comment gd wanted to know "what's funny Nana".

Division of labour where the wife does most of the cooking is one thing but I'm aghast at the number of posters who even in retirement have to do all the cooking whilst husband sits around.

No wonder many divorced/widowed men move on to the next wife rather quickly - otherwise they'd starve.

It's almost a badge of honour to have a husband that can't/won't cook.

I am guessing here that your husband had already retired before you did.....in which case did,nt he get himself some lunch while you were still working.? I think you need to start as you mean to go on,suggest to him that you would prefer your lunchtimes to be much more relaxed, both of you enjoying the day and just having a bite to eat at lunchtime as and when. This would also free up your days and you might then enjoy going out for lunch occasionally as part of a day out somewhere. Failing that suggest that you take it in turns .....one week he does it,the next it's your week. This might be a way of lessening his expectations and when it's "his week" you can always say if you"re not hungry you"lle get something later. Also there are often lunch clubs for seniors in some areas that you might wish to join, again showing him that you don"t want lunchtimes set in stone. I do wonder if he is a more structured person than you and likes a more fixed routine.

OP, just point him at the fridge! And tell him nicely that it's time - now he has the time - to get his own.

My dh always gets his own - the same (healthy) thing virtually every day. Ditto his breakfast. I never feel hungry at breakfast time - often have something eggy around 10-11, followed by no lunch as such, but a little something - usually savoury, around teatime.
The only meal we regularly eat together is dinner, which I always cook. Dh has never cooked - he always worked far longer hours than I did and earned most of the money. But since retiring we have a fair IMO division of labour - I cook, he clears up the kitchen. Suits me fine, especially since I'm a somewhat messy cook.

What REALLY annoys me is that I come downstairs after my shower to find him waiting for his breakfast!

I'd completely ignore him and go out for the morning.
Maybe saying "Seriously? You're acting like a little lost puppy", on my way out the door.

I will retire next year and hope to do so abroad. I have worked all my life and in my retirement I shall not allow myself to be dictated to by anybody else who is able-bodied, fit and intelligent - least of all my other half who is easy-going about such things anyway.
I saw what my father's draconian demands for meals at specific times of day did to my mother in her later years and I am simply not prepared to become a doormat to anyone.
I intend being out a lot anyway and will not be stopping indoors counting the hours until the next meal. Life is far too short for such nonsense.

My DH retired ten years ago at 60. He hated his job and had a number of health issues which have mainly resolved since retiring . But he still does absolutely nothing in the house . We are both retired now and he arises about 2 hours after me. I produce breakfast but never lunch as I usually need my lunch about an hour after his breakfast .So he has toast again at about 3 pm . He never cooks a meal in the evening as yes"it's women's work" . Both my DSiL and DS do most of the meals in their homes and are excellent cooks .I love the generations of today and their family involvement . I can thank Jamie Oliver for my son's interest in cooking . He could also iron and cut the grass by 14 years as I was determined not to have a son who was incapable of looking after himself !

Mine does that helpless thing of opening the fridge and just standing there, gazing into the depths, as though the snack of his choice will miraculously waft itself onto a plate.

I did have to point out to him in the evening, after we have eaten dinner, (which I cook and clear away), that he could get himself cheese or fruit. I wasn’t wearing a black dress and frilly apron...

I must be very old fashioned - my partner works from 2-8, and I have made him lunch every day for the past 24 years. It is always home made soup, with a wrap and salad, and then he gets a home cooked meal every night, sometimes with pudding. He says it is the one thing he looks forward to at then end of a tiring shift, and he loves my cooking. It is a real pleasure to cook for someone who appreciates it x

Several of my friends complain that once their husband retired he 'took over at home' leaving them bored, with nothing to do and no say in what and when to eat.

If he is around, he starts foraging at 11.50 (to be fair he gets up with the lark), so the owness is totally on him (unless I have an evil plan to use something up that he wouldn't bother with). I would expect him to make mine, though sometimes we have different things to eat up. If I am on my own I eat much much later normally.

When my DH was alive I never made him lunch If he was working some distance from home he would make his own sandwiches. If he was working close to home he would come in and make something for himself - if I was home he would ask if I wanted anything. He once brought a colleague home with him and started preparing lunch, when his colleague expressed surprise that I wasn't doing it he said that I was his wife, not his servant to wait on him or anyone else. Loved that man and still miss him!

Sounds like a habit ...as you have had a chat but its not got through ! I'd repeat the chat then remind when he asks about lunch!

Count your blessings friends - and be grateful for a healthy and hungry husband. I spend a lot of my time trying to tempt mine to eat: he's never been interested in food (eats to live unlike me, sigh!) but now on a form of chemo has lost his appetite altogether. I know he forces it down just to please me, and the constant worry of dreading weighing in time at the clinic is something I just have to live with.

DH. Has a big appetite,he's a big bloke.over 6ft.always foraging for food.even if we have late breakfast/brunch.he's still after "lunch" an hour or so later.I just cop a deaf one and leave him to his own devices, he manages,but would prefer me to do it,but I say if you want it,you get it ,!!

We are both retired. I said I’m fed up with cooking this week. Tonight either you cook for me or we’re going out to dinner and this is going to happen at least once a week. At the thought of being badly hurt (in the wallet department) he took himself into the kitchen and stood bewildered for a bit. Then he said ‘what do you want?’ I replied ‘you’re cooking, you choose’. He decided on pasta with sauce. He spent the next hour shouting from the kitchen asking where things were and how much of this or that to use. I persevered and didn’t take over. When it was ready I praised it to high heaven and said he really should do it more often. To his credit, he now takes much more of a share. He just needed encouragement. Result.

Made it very clear before retirement that I wouldn’t do lunch. So I get brought breakfast in bed, so he can watch trashy tv in the kitchen while I’m safely out of the way, he makes lunch for us both, something very light, and I do the evening meal. If occasionally I can’t be bothered to cook I will say “your turn to cook” and he will do. However I have to say this man is not a pushover in any way, but he does more than his fair share about the house. Clearly I’m very lucky! I really don’t see why a man cannot get his own lunch in retirement.

In our house it is, DH " I am going to have some lunch" Me " I am not hungry you do something for yourself" this gets done by himself, he eats so early I dont, problem solved.Dinner a different matter.

I'm a social worker and once Cumbria social services put us in charge of home care in one area. I was called to see a chap whose wife had died. I offered the usual condolences but what he asked for was home help to come and make his meals!!! I said he'd need to do it himself & he said 'but I've never cooked for myself!" We need to get our partners more skilled just in case we're not always around

I am fortunate in that my husband had always been quite happy to get his own lunch whilst I worked and nothing has changed now I am semi retired, but i'm afraid should the tide turn my answer would be you know where the kitchen is or yes please mines a cheese and tomato sandwich. Sounds like you need to have a little chat and tell him you have retired and were looking forward to having some shared responsibilities not becoming a full time unpaid housekeeper and therefore he is to be responsible for providing lunch at least part of the week so you can start to enjoy being retired.

I think it all about looking after each other. We eat when we're hungry, sometimes I do it, sometimes DH does it, no big domestic dispute. DH does enjoy toast & marmalade so sometimes we will have cereal first thing and later on, maybe about one o' clock he will make toast & marmalade for both of us or a toasted tea cake or whatever. I always cook the evening meal and DH does the dishes.

I am on my own now so don’t have this problem. I would agree tho that men are not good at picking up on suggestions it has to be a clear cut conversation.....

My heart goes out to OP with sick husbands esp dementia-life must be so hard for you ? but this nonsense about men "waiting to be fed" is unbelievable and IMHO, is entirely the fault of the other half for pandering to this bad behaviour. You are not doing these (mostly men) any favours. What will happen if they end up on their own? They'll have to sort themselves out then won't they? Having said that, my DH always cooks our evening meal. He enjoys cooking and is a good cook. When he was ill recently I took over, didn't particularly enjoy it so he's glad he's now well enough to carry on again. Lunch and breakfast we simply help ourselves or just say I'm doing such and such-you interested?

Annsixty - I'm doing the make a sandwich before I go out thing! If I leave my husband to do it I get home to find that the cheese or ham hasn't been wrapped up properly and crumbs everywhere, so it's easier in the long run! What REALLY annoys me is that I come downstairs after my shower to find him waiting for his breakfast! I rarely eat breakfast and don't mind doing it if we are having something special for a treat, but day to day I cannot understand how he is incapable of getting his porridge - I've bought the sachets which go straight into a bowl with milk and 2 minutes in the microwave. He's only been retired for a couple of months - think I'd better start training him ASAP.

Yes, men do not do “ subtle” so the direct approach is needed here. Wait till he asks, then just say that you are not really hungry ( even if you are !) and just say to help yourself. Give him a couple of options to soften the blow if you need to ! Have just spent 2 separate weekends with 2 of my sons, and was so heartened to see them both get a cookery book out and say they were cooking dinner ! Both my daughter in laws love it and it’s a luxury that I certainly never experienced !