Funeral planning pitch

Had a phone call today from a young (well I assume young) man who was trying to sell me a funeral plan. I’ve sort of got used to this sort of thing since I reached the ripe old age of 57. It appears this is around the age they expect you start planning to die. Today’s sales pitch was the most bizarre I’ve ever come across.

Salesman: Hello I’d like to talk to you about your funeral.

Me: I know I’m often late but I didn’t realise I’d missed my own funeral. When did it take place?

Salesman: No I don’t mean it’s taken place. I wanted to discuss planning your funeral.

Me: Why?

Salesman: Well you need to be prepared.

Me: Do I? Why?

Salesman: But don’t you want a proper funeral? After all it’s the second most important day of your life.

Me: How can it be the second most important day of my life? I’ll be dead.

Salesman: Well yes you’ll be dead but don’t you want your relatives to have a good time?

Me: A good time at my funeral? No. I’m not paying for them to have a party to celebrate the fact that I’m no longer around. As far as I’m concerned they can put me in a plastic bag and chuck me on the local tip. Anyway I’m not planning to die for at least another 50 years and by then we might all be turned into Solent Green.

Salesman: Solent Green? Oh I’ve seen that film. Wasn’t Solent Green…? Oh I see what you mean. You’re really not interested in funeral planning are you?

At this point the poor lad gave up.