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Devastated by secret coming out

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Dorset Wed 04-Oct-17 17:47:23

I am 59 so should know better and am a worldly person so should have realised our big family secret would come back to bite us. When I was an "independent" 22 year old I got involved in a two year relationship with a wonderful, generous and charismatic man, but he was a "wherever I lay my hat man". I fell pregnant and having my own company coped. I decided to keep this man out of our lives as he had proved and went onto prove further that he was brilliant at leaving lots of wives and children, I didn't want my daughter to have a father who turned up every few years, maybe this is where it all started to go wrong. I married my present husband 29 years ago who bought my daughter up as his own, she has always called him dad and she idolises him.
I stupidly thought I was making the right decision in not letting the real father find us, also my husband is very protective, jealous too, and provided very well for us. My daughter had a beautiful boy at 20, and due to lots of reasons found it very hard to look after her son in a structured environment. My husband and myself provided for him and cared in every way, until my daughter married a man and had a daughter 4 years ago and took my grandson away from us to live with them. I was thrilled as I felt my grandson could settle into a stable family unit, but he went off the rails 18 months after and is steady to a point till now, although he has been expelled but is in college. My daughter does not like him coming to me, and even threatened me when he turned up on my door, with the police. I do sympathise with her and feel I do spoil him but am always living on my nerves. My daughter and I go two months at the most in calm times then she blows up at me and I stop talking as she will not discuss why she screams/shouts and controls. My daughter loses her friends/husbands/family one by one as she shows no caring ways towards people and demands and wants always planning on getting her children minded by their fathers or me when it suits her. The desperate situation we are in today is she told me one of her real fathers children 4 years ago contacted her saying would she like to meet her father, very unusual for him to do this but even so I supported her and explained because of this we should tell my grandson as he only knows my current husband as his grandad. My daughter never went to meet her real father and I did say if she didn't she may regret it if anything happened. My words came true, he was dying a few weeks ago and on his deathbed she visited him, obviously he was unable to speak I hope he knew it was her. The situation we are in, another argument she had with me two weeks ago, she told me her children must not come to me only her daughter can every second weekend when the little girls father does not have her. I found out by accident thisvweek that last week she had attended the funeral, I was pleased but wish I could have gone with her to support as I knew all of his ex wives over 55 years would have gone with their children, and I have since found out this was the case. The biggest shock was finding out she took my grandson who believes my husband is his grandad and father to his mother. We had so wanted not to hold this secret from him. We were going to tell him 6 months ago but my daughter said no. Him finding out from his mum without us knowing, and what a way attending his real grandfathers funeral, was a stab in the heart to me and my husband as she had told him the secret which we wanted so desperately to explain with her. We are pleased the secret is out but my husband and myself feel she done this behind our back with no thought for our feelings. I met my grandson yesterday who bought loads of washing for me to do!, so things are fine!. I am truly upset that a dreaded secret came out and I do believe she actually told him long before last week. I am so sad... but angry, please any advice is so wanted. Sorry I have given a life story above..

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FarNorth Wed 04-Oct-17 18:07:56

It seems your daughter has trouble seeing others' point of view, including yours. Try to accept that and just make the best of whatever crops up.
Please try not to feel upset about being sidelined, as it won't help you at all.
So sorry you are in this complicated situation. We can't ever know how things will turn out, even though we act with best intentions.

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Serkeen Wed 04-Oct-17 18:24:42

Hi Dorset a bit of a pickle but hey all families are made of pickle smile

Unfortunately it sounds like you have an un reasonable daughter, I would not worry that your secret came out secrets usually do and there is nothing worse and more damaging to a family to have secrets.

It is a good thing that your grandson now knows the truth.

It will all work itself out, life is not perfect but you have a grandson that loves you and that is a good start smile

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M0nica Wed 04-Oct-17 19:20:43

It is a cliche but the saying that talks about changing the things you can change and accepting those you can't, is right. The problem is in so many situations like this, it is not always clear which events fall in which category.

The past is something you cannot change. You acted the way you did because at the time you really believed that you were doing the right thing. We have all made such judgements in life and some of us find later we made the wrong decision. That does not invalidate our initial decision. If events, then in the future, had been different that decision could have been the right one.

It seems to me that your daughter has inherited some character traits from her father, personality can be nature as well as nurture. He may have been a charismatic and generous man, but he was also a very selfish man taking what he could, where and when he could and then moving on leaving, no doubt, shattered ex-wives and desolate children.

Sadly, your daughter has inherited this self centred characteristic from him, although she seems not to have inherited the charisma and generosity that enabled him to get away with it. React to her behaviour as you reacted at his behaviour when you were pregnant. Act coolly and calmly and accept the father in her as you accepted his failings all those years ago. Your daughter is unable to change anymore than he did. All you can do is accept it and develop strategies to cope with it.

You have a good relationship with your grandson who is reaching an age where his mother has no legal right to control or make decisions for him. Make the most of that relationship and show him what a loving stable family is.

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Iam64 Wed 04-Oct-17 20:20:39

Dorset, sorry things are in some turmoil for you. One suggestion I make with the best of intentions, is that rather than call your daughters biological father her "real" father and your grandsons "real" grandfather, try and remember that your husband is the real father and grandfather here.

Like MOnica, I believe genetics and well as environment contribute a lot to our personalities. Your daughter sounds a bit like her birth father, that is focussed on her own needs to the exclusion of others. Most of us do the very best we can with what life throws at us. Be a bit kinder to yourself and try not to feel guilty, you did the best you could. Try not to take so much to heart the unpleasantness from your daughter

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Dorset Wed 04-Oct-17 22:17:38

I can honestly say I feel better reading the comments. Me and my husband are still numb knowing we were not told that it was all out in the open. For the first tome in 20 + years we are now going to live our lives and do everything that pleases us. Such a shame that for the third time we moved to our current home to be near her and her children. I don't even love this current area but time for me to put my heart in it more, just a shame that she has only visited when dropping her little girl off, never just for mum and daughter time.

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MawBroon Wed 04-Oct-17 22:22:39

Serkeen will fall over backwards grin but I entirely agree with her!
Your “skeleton in the cupboard”seems to have weighed heavy on your mind but so many families have “secrets” and do not let them tear them apart.“Who Do You Think You Are” would’ve have no point at all if there were no mysteries to investigate and you and your family have nothing to be ashamed of.
Let it go
The past belongs in the past and to use yet another cliché, it is all water under the bridge.
Why your daughter should behave as she has done is another matter but again, nothing to beat yourself up about.

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