Self-esteem plummets and feeling low - after a funeral!

Rowantree, I have no education, got married at 16, my brothers have Oxbridge degrees and amazing jobs. It is difficult. I understand and am sorry you are unhappy after the funeral. It will get better. Go to the get-together and know you are valuable for what you have done: raised good women.

I echo what others have said - particularly about how funerals can affect us - we listen to the past lives of the deceased and it makes us think of our own past lives, makes us aware of our own mortality, we realise how short life can be and we are liable to regret what we did or didn't do - There's also sadness at the loss of your friend - and grief too - it all takes time to come to terms with. Please don't do yourself down - you sound like a very caring & thoughtful person.

Love those words too, Greyduster and I remember reading that sonnet when I was a student - thank you for reminding me!

I really appreciate all the wise comments here. I am going to try and keep them in mind, particularly next weekend when we are away for our annual family get-together with my brothers, their partners, my father and stepmother. I'm looking forward to it but often feel rather overshadowed by my clever, witty, articulate and far more confident siblings. A chance to practise a bit of self-love, perhaps!

Thank you.

greyduster, lovely words.

I often feel just as you do. I like these lines from Milton (from the sonnet which ends "They also serve who only stand and wait").
"God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts; who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly."
Chin up!

Bah - wish we could edit GN - I am too lazy to always check before posting .
That last 'unfinished' paragraph began to smack of 'The lady doth protest too much!' I asked myself if this was so and decided that it isn't! AND I had a hungry cat nuzzling my shoulder and purring in my ear ...

Please, please, please can we have an edit button GN - I dislike untidy and scrappy posts!

Dear rowantree, thank you for sharing so honestly. I hope it is a brighter day for you today. It sounds like you have a lot to be content about and that in the usual run of things this would normally be the case, but funerals can evoke so many emotions in us.

Reading your OP and the many wise and wonderful replies has done me a lot of good and has reaffirmed my own sense of what true 'success' in life is: to love and be loved.

As an older woman, I think it likely that you did not have the same aspirations implanted / expected of you as your brothers. for my part, I grew up in the academic shadow of a brother who passed for Oxford. He did not go - we were from an extremely poor background and he decided he wouldn't fit in and took a management pathway with a local insurance firm, where he went from success to success. But I was always told he was 'the clever one.' I won school prizes and gained a first class honours degree, but still, he was the clever one!

However, to be a good mum has always been number one on my own personal list: to support and nurture, to see our children find happiness in themselves and to know that they are good people means the world. Academic, economic and career 'success' are bonuses - and trimmings that can just as easily trip us up.



But - wouldn't change my

rowantree never compare yourself or your life to others. Instead look around you at what you have. Count your blessings. ???☀️

Oh rowantree please listen to luckygirl and others who have caught the essence of how much you have achieved. Funerals tend to trigger a looking back at our own life, sadness can be very contagious. I imagine many of us have felt as negatively about ourselves but for no good reason. I hope tomorrow looks brighter and please be kind to the thoughtful and caring person that you are.

My mother is a great one for discussing how X has done in comparison to Y. I generally manage to bring such conversations to a halt by asking her which one is the happiest.

At the end of the day, that's what people treasure the most - how happy and content they are. If you are happy with your life, then don't waste time on comparing yourself to others.

I am so grateful for all your replies - thank you to everyone who posted a message. Much appreciated.
My family have always meant more to me than anything else but that isn't to say that this family aren't close and loving because they are. It's just that they all seem to be such high-fliers and seem so self confident. I don't feel much different from when I was 18 - at least, not at times like this!

All your comments have helped though and I'm going to try and focus on the fact that we've done our best as parents, we have thoughtful, kind and compassionate daughters who have integrity and caring attitudes to the world around them. We have two lovely, delightful grandchildren we thought we'd never have (DD2 has a complex and painful disability and DD1 only got together with her current partner in the last 2/3 years, and didn't think she'd have a family at all). Most of the time, now my depression and anxiety of years back have eased, I can appreciate all that we have and see what is really important but there are times I feel really challenged and then I struggle, and old demons rear their heads.

Thank you all again!

Well funerals always stress the positive and gloss over the negative - they'd jolly well better at mine!

I get very concerned when young people are made to feel that the only worthwhile thing to do is to go to university, or to join a profession. There are qualities that cannot be measured by exams; and important things to do that do not require a degree.

I left a social work career at 50 because of the stress and felt very deflated and disappointed that I was unable to carry on, in spite of the fact that I then had a second career in which I was very happy. When I got those moments of feeling that I had failed, I used to go through all the "clients" (as we called them then) whose lives had been changed or improved by my input; the disabled people who had got the chance to live at home because I fought for them; the carers who got some respite because of the help I was able to set up for them. I am not blowing my own trumpet here, because each of those actions were mundane in the context of my work - but maybe not for the individuals involved.

I guess that what I am trying to say is that you will have done the same - each child who was inspired by something you said, or some encouragement you were able to give in your career might have had their life changed by you just getting on with what appears to be an unspectacular job.

It is not always the high flyers who make a real difference in this world.

Rowantree, live long enough to attend your own funeral.

Your family will be giving you a eulogy just as good and just as full of achievements as that given to your friend - and it will be just as sincerely meant. In eulogies nobody talks about the dearly departed's failings, failures and unhappinesses. It isn't that they did not have them. It is a bit like social media. Every one shows only the best.

Perhaps as an antidote you could start writing your own eulogy in your head, think of all the things your nearest and dearest will be saying about you, that means you have to think about all your good points and achievements - and give them a quick shine so that they glitter. You have to do that, because nobody will say anything critical at a funeral.

Rowantree have often found ( at funerals) that eulogies go over the top, I think I will ban one happening for my own funeral.Even if the lady in question was all of it and more, that doesn't mean that somehow you are a lesser being, who knows what your family think of you and would want to say at your funeral in the future? Perhaps it would make somebody else feel diminished.
Carry on being exactly who you are and have always been.
Sounds as if you have done a great job with your daughters to me.Chin up.?

I'm sure there are academics who would yearn for the life you've had, Rowantree
You have chosen what was important to you, which is no mean feat. Lots get swept up in other peoples expectations and find themselves on a path, living a life, which wasn't their choice.
You've done very, very well, and contributed to your family also doing well, and doing what they want to. You deserve every credit for that.

This sounds a bit like those irritating Christmas card letters where people tell you their DC are top academics and their DGC have just got 10 A*s or offers from Oxbridge. Even the dog is probably a Crufts champion who can bark his 12 x tables. Good for them! Just don't start comparing them with one's own family.
Success in life shouldn't be measured by academic achievement alone, that's an outdated idea. You sound as though you were caring, supportive parents and your happy daughters are now reaping the benefits. You should be proud and hold your head high because you have been very significant in your family's life. I'm sure you will feel happier in a few days.

everyones idea of success is different,if you've had agood life raised children with good hearts and minds and are happy ,thats my idea of success.I left school at 15 had my own business by 21 and it has paid the bills and kept us for 41 years .Its nothing earthshattering but we've met a lot of very interesting people and had a great time doing it.Our kids are lovely people and our GC are bright, funny happy beautiful children.I'm happy with that .

If you'd put all your focus and effort into gaining promotions and status you might have had to make sacrifices elsewhere.
How would you be feeling now if you'd achieved that nebulous 'high status' but had no family?
I guess you'd be saying to yourself 'if only..........'

Think you put it very well auntieflo . I think most of us can put ourselves down at times rowantree , but you have lived your life as you wanted you put your children before your career that's nothing to feel ashamed of hope you feel better tomorrow.

Rowantree, have a virtual pat on the back. You have been a supportive wife and mother, and now a proud gran. You may not have risen to dizzy heights in your career, but how many of us really do? We just get on with it, don't complain, and carry on. If you are feeling a bit down at the moment, there, hopefully, will be lots of 'ordinary' folk on here who will give your self esteem a much needed boost, and who can put things much better than me. and {{{hugs}}}

How can you say you havn't achieved anything when you have been:
A qualified teacher
A kind and encouraging mother
A good friend
You are probably right that it's to do with your brothers going to Oxford.
But you sound pretty successful to me!

I don't know what I can say to comfort you only that I understand totally as have always felt a bit of a nonentity It's definitely not about money I m totally unmaterialistic but about use I suppose always felt a fairly insignificant ant toddling around earth
I m sure your achievements have been many just that you haven't recognised their value but I bet others have I don't think it's necessarily the people who make 'dizzy heights' who changed lives it's often the very little things that do that
I m sorry I haven't helped much ?