Conflict between DH & Mother

I agree with luckygirl. Keep it for yourself. Carry on seeing your mum and let them deal with one another.

I think OP should tell her mother before deciding to keep the money for herself...

Being in the middle of such a situation [DH and his sister], I can only sympathise. Have to say that, when invited to DD's wedding, she came, but studiously avoided us when we tried to talk to her! We got the message. Now she is trying to mend the bridges, DH is polite, but won't go any further. His problem. [I never liked her in the first place, but was always dutiful..]
Just let go... tell DH he is silly, keep in touch with your mother, but don't let him cut you off from her.
good luck!

My daughter went through this. Her DH did not speak to his family for about 4 years. My daughter bit the bullet and asked his parents to meet her for a coffee. They were so grateful for a chance to talk things over. Once everything was out in the open she encouraged her DH to get in touch with them. Now all is s orted out and everyone is happy.

So long as your DH is civil to your mother and she to him when they do meet (such as at the wedding), and so long as you have thanked her for both of you for the money, I don't see that it's really a big problem.

We don't know the nature of the insult. His reaction might be quite a natural one and so might his not wanting her under his roof and not wanting to have an actual conversation with her. If he acknowledges her politely when they are in the same place, and she him, then perhaps that's all you can expect.

Sounds like whatever the fall out was your husband's ego was badly bruised. It's lovely of your mother to give you a gift and offer the olive branch but I wonder if your husband is determined to keep things as they are, preferring this situation as it suits him. I hope things improve for you all eventually as harbouring a grudge is never the answer.

What a pity he is making things so awkward for you.

You have a right to have your mother to you home, even if he is upset. I am not sure what he can expect, she has made a gesture of reconcilliation, if he can't be a little gracious and accept, that with a wedding coming up, a settling of differences would be lovely for other people that he cares for, then I am not sure what will work.

Must have been some insult if he can't get over it in 3 years.

My DH can't stand my mother or my sister, for very good reason in his eyes and I have an element of sympathy, but he does remain polite to them. His antipathy stems from their treatment of me but I choose to let bygones be bygones with my DM and be polite to my DS (note gritted teeth with the D!) when in company. Although my DH can't quite hide his antipathy completely as he is a WYSIWYG sort of guy at least he struggles to be polite and I respect him more for it because I know he does it for me.

I just wonder you have complied with his demands for 3 years and not let her visit, she has now given you some money, could it be that he feels that he has somehow been 'bought'? If so perhaps you need to wait a little longer before trying to reconcile the two.

I suspect that the insult three years ago was the last straw. People don't go into huffs lasting 3+ years for one insult. Well.... depending on the insult, but I think it much more likely that there has always been a certain... um... lack of cordiality between your husband and your mother and that the insult you mention just made him draw a firm boundary so thst he didn,t have to put up with any more.

People go into huffs for all sorts of reasons, sad to say.
I think he's being very mean spirited. Note he 'allowed' the money to be accepted on his behalf. He hasn't said he wants nothing to do with that.

I can see why he would refuse to visit her but he can't ban her from your joint house! Invite her and he can go out if he doesn't like it.
Have the money yourself.

DH is the problem here - if he won't have your mother come to visit how do you know he won't start playing up prior to your daughter's wedding. Sounds to me that your mother told him some home truth - if they buried the hatchet, why is he still making life difficult for you - keep the money for yourself and make sure that he doesn't start dictating what else your mother can't do - like attending future family gatherings - if your daughter is getting married there may be grandchildren - is he going to ban great grandma from important family occasions?

I think OP should consult with her mother before deciding to keep the money for herself, after all she explicitly gave it to the 2 of them ...

I feel that your mum has made an effort and husband should too, don't really see how he can forbid you to have a voistor in a joint home, but it may depend on what the fall out was about. How ever I do feel as long as someone has acknowledged and thanked your mum for the gift that is enough.

Yes misadventure you are so right I once had a partner who disappeared to the bedroom for three days because I d served the kids their meal before him, needless to say we didn't stay together ?

Keep the money yourself and spend how you wish, if that includes holidays for you AND your husband then so be it...would he object? I think he should allow your mother into your home tho...it's YOUR home as well and he can always go somewhere else if it's difficult. He sounds like a complete pain in the arse!

I.must add that i too have a bit of a tricky OH who refuses to see some of my friends so I see them without him. Not sure how he would feel
If i invited them round again tho....we meet up halfway now and I've told them he is a bit odd!!

Poor Sheian57. I don't expect she wants to re-post after all of these! Hope it all settles amicably.

Thank you all for your comments, most of which I agree with. We have a successful outcome today. I asked DH to consider my feelings and to end the hostility. Enough is enough. He agreed to personally thank her for the gift this evening and was friendly and genuine on the phone. I think there is an element of controlling behaviour but in the main he is a very supportive and generous husband. I won't divulge all the reasons for the behaviour, but needless to say the breakthrough brings me enormous relief and is a big step in the right direction. I needed to offload on this forum to garner support. I will invite mum to my home in the coming weeks when we are all free. Thanks all x

How do YOU feel about your husband going against your own mother for three long years? In light of her generosity, why would it be unreasonable to expect that he let bygones be bygones?

Unless she did something unspeakably cruel, I see no reason why she shouldn't be welcome in your house. Was it that mum bruised his precious ego? Well, three years is more than enough time to get over it!

Life is too short! Don't allow him to hold this malicious grudge against your own mother any longer! She's not going to be around forever....you will end up with a lot of guilt and deep regret if something were to happen to her. Worse, going forward you would likely resent him forever.

For your sake and for the sake of your marriage, it's up to him to bend a little and fix this for once and for all. That's what a wise, mature, loving husband would do.

I must have been writing while you posted. Like I said, that's what loving husbands do. So happy he's come around!

I love it !. Hear is a row that's been going on for 3 years, and in the space of 2 days and a few post to GRANSNET
its sorted.

Why oh why don't the world leaders join us

Devongirl, so the thanks have already been said, and now the OP should share the money with her husband irregardless whether he speaks to his mother or not. If that's not what the mother wanted she'd have said "but only if he thanks me himself". She didn't put a condition on it so it's for both of them. I suppose the OP could buy something for the house they can both use, then technically it would have been shared (if the husband doesn't want to accept his half as such)

I think we are making the same point - the money was given to both of them, not just the OP!