Conflict between DH & Mother

I'm very pleased Sheinan

Many of us say things we later regret but once said it is there - out in the open.

Just like Gransnet really.

ps and I think this thread is being followed on Mumsnet - I was looking on there and think I saw it ( but can't find the link now.)

Good news Sheinan. I haven't commented up to now - my DH is also very stubborn but does respond to appeals to his better nature.
And personally I'm very irritated with a 'SiL' (they're not married.)

If youdon't mind me saying your DH is being a bit of a wally sorry she is obviously sorry and as we do not really know what happened between them as it is not exactly clear, just that there were insults flying about, so hard to made a judgement but still think that as your Mum is trying so hard to put it behind her for thesake of the family your DH should move on.

I hate all this holding on to things like this, having much the same in my own situation at present with my DIL holding on to stuff and making everyone feel in comfortable and making me feel that I can not visit my son Its all NONSENSE and both your DH and my DIL should Grow Up ..

Lastly he should not get one penny of the money that your Mum has given, really the money should go to your daughter that's getting married as she could probably make most use of it as she is starting out in life but of course that is your call

Yippee, Sheian57! I'm so glad you got it sorted out.

I think we are making the same point - the money was given to both of them, not just the OP!

Devongirl, so the thanks have already been said, and now the OP should share the money with her husband irregardless whether he speaks to his mother or not. If that's not what the mother wanted she'd have said "but only if he thanks me himself". She didn't put a condition on it so it's for both of them. I suppose the OP could buy something for the house they can both use, then technically it would have been shared (if the husband doesn't want to accept his half as such)

I love it !. Hear is a row that's been going on for 3 years, and in the space of 2 days and a few post to GRANSNET
its sorted.

Why oh why don't the world leaders join us

I must have been writing while you posted. Like I said, that's what loving husbands do. So happy he's come around!

How do YOU feel about your husband going against your own mother for three long years? In light of her generosity, why would it be unreasonable to expect that he let bygones be bygones?

Unless she did something unspeakably cruel, I see no reason why she shouldn't be welcome in your house. Was it that mum bruised his precious ego? Well, three years is more than enough time to get over it!

Life is too short! Don't allow him to hold this malicious grudge against your own mother any longer! She's not going to be around forever....you will end up with a lot of guilt and deep regret if something were to happen to her. Worse, going forward you would likely resent him forever.

For your sake and for the sake of your marriage, it's up to him to bend a little and fix this for once and for all. That's what a wise, mature, loving husband would do.

Thank you all for your comments, most of which I agree with. We have a successful outcome today. I asked DH to consider my feelings and to end the hostility. Enough is enough. He agreed to personally thank her for the gift this evening and was friendly and genuine on the phone. I think there is an element of controlling behaviour but in the main he is a very supportive and generous husband. I won't divulge all the reasons for the behaviour, but needless to say the breakthrough brings me enormous relief and is a big step in the right direction. I needed to offload on this forum to garner support. I will invite mum to my home in the coming weeks when we are all free. Thanks all x

Poor Sheian57. I don't expect she wants to re-post after all of these! Hope it all settles amicably.

I.must add that i too have a bit of a tricky OH who refuses to see some of my friends so I see them without him. Not sure how he would feel
If i invited them round again tho....we meet up halfway now and I've told them he is a bit odd!!

Keep the money yourself and spend how you wish, if that includes holidays for you AND your husband then so be it...would he object? I think he should allow your mother into your home tho...it's YOUR home as well and he can always go somewhere else if it's difficult. He sounds like a complete pain in the arse!

Yes misadventure you are so right I once had a partner who disappeared to the bedroom for three days because I d served the kids their meal before him, needless to say we didn't stay together ?

I feel that your mum has made an effort and husband should too, don't really see how he can forbid you to have a voistor in a joint home, but it may depend on what the fall out was about. How ever I do feel as long as someone has acknowledged and thanked your mum for the gift that is enough.

I think OP should consult with her mother before deciding to keep the money for herself, after all she explicitly gave it to the 2 of them ...

DH is the problem here - if he won't have your mother come to visit how do you know he won't start playing up prior to your daughter's wedding. Sounds to me that your mother told him some home truth - if they buried the hatchet, why is he still making life difficult for you - keep the money for yourself and make sure that he doesn't start dictating what else your mother can't do - like attending future family gatherings - if your daughter is getting married there may be grandchildren - is he going to ban great grandma from important family occasions?

I can see why he would refuse to visit her but he can't ban her from your joint house! Invite her and he can go out if he doesn't like it.
Have the money yourself.

People go into huffs for all sorts of reasons, sad to say.
I think he's being very mean spirited. Note he 'allowed' the money to be accepted on his behalf. He hasn't said he wants nothing to do with that.

I suspect that the insult three years ago was the last straw. People don't go into huffs lasting 3+ years for one insult. Well.... depending on the insult, but I think it much more likely that there has always been a certain... um... lack of cordiality between your husband and your mother and that the insult you mention just made him draw a firm boundary so thst he didn,t have to put up with any more.

I just wonder you have complied with his demands for 3 years and not let her visit, she has now given you some money, could it be that he feels that he has somehow been 'bought'? If so perhaps you need to wait a little longer before trying to reconcile the two.

My DH can't stand my mother or my sister, for very good reason in his eyes and I have an element of sympathy, but he does remain polite to them. His antipathy stems from their treatment of me but I choose to let bygones be bygones with my DM and be polite to my DS (note gritted teeth with the D!) when in company. Although my DH can't quite hide his antipathy completely as he is a WYSIWYG sort of guy at least he struggles to be polite and I respect him more for it because I know he does it for me.

What a pity he is making things so awkward for you.

You have a right to have your mother to you home, even if he is upset. I am not sure what he can expect, she has made a gesture of reconcilliation, if he can't be a little gracious and accept, that with a wedding coming up, a settling of differences would be lovely for other people that he cares for, then I am not sure what will work.

Must have been some insult if he can't get over it in 3 years.

Sounds like whatever the fall out was your husband's ego was badly bruised. It's lovely of your mother to give you a gift and offer the olive branch but I wonder if your husband is determined to keep things as they are, preferring this situation as it suits him. I hope things improve for you all eventually as harbouring a grudge is never the answer.