Am I overreacting?

I agree with Glen640 & am sad there is so much prejudice. It's great your daughter can embrace it. My sister in law was eventually diagnosed with Bi polar & it can be a horrid condition taking many forms. I find it very challenging as it's hard to know where the condition ends & self-centred behaviour begins but it is so important to keep some level of link & support as we would for a physical illness. My SiL has upset many friends & family & most now steer clear. She soread rumours about us all & blames her parents for awful things they didn't do over & over again. She divorced her husband though she now says he divorced her. We tried to warn the solicitor (in Australia, that she was ill but she was so plausible and had a story about all the family ganging up against her, he believed her. The burden has been put on her 4 children with families of their own & living a long way off but her ex has risked his new relationship by supporting her in many practical ways and ensuring she has a lawyer & accountant who understand her condition. So though a proper diagnosis is needed to be sure, your sister's behaviour Trisha, fits our experience of b-p though many mh conditions share behaviours. Stand by her if you can but do protect yourself. Support can take many forms & can keep her at arm's length if she uosets you too much.

I agree with mum of mad boys, I would totally dismiss it.

Its a very childish thing for her to do and no reaction on your part would not fire her aggravating nature!

I do not like pranks. It's getting a laugh at someone else's expense. Perhaps if you want to get a better relationship with your sister, you could gently explain that to her. And then get on with a more understanding bond.

It was remarkably good of you to reach out to your sister. What she did was cruel and sick and, as Barmy Old Bat said, she did it not once but twice.

She's your sister, yes, but that works both ways. She should be considerate to you just as you've been to her. Of course it's up to you to decide how much you're willing to put up with, but it will be very bad for both of you if she keeps doing attention-seeking, 'testing,' unfeeling things. You won't be doing her any favours by letting her get away with hurting you.

If this is a mental disorder then I certainly pity your sister, but unless she's willing to get help - and given her history it doesn't sound very likely - chances are she will probably go on causing you a lot of pain. The most important thing is that you must not let yourself feel guilty, and you mustn't let yourself be a punching-bag or a doormat. Whatever happens, remember that you did the right and kind thing by trying when most people would not.

If she's ill, you can't cure her. If she's someone who used to be lovely but has become immature, and let life make her selfish, odds are that you can't change that either.

This must be so painful for you. It hurts so much when you open your heart only to be slapped in the face; rather mixing metaphors there! I hope things will work out, as you're clearly a very loving and forgiving person who deserves to have that love reciprocated. As one who shares your phobia, I admire you even more for being willing to even think of continuing the relationship after seeing that photo! I must admit I would have cut her out of my life there and then!

Take care of yourself ... I don't know how to do the hugs thing but am sending hugs!

I agree with those who say this behaviour sounds more down to personality than bi polar. Bi polar and borderline personality disorder can be similar but - bi polar is more likely to respond positively to medication than BPD.
Missing the 'nice side' is understandable, as is the sympathy expressed by some here about your sisters need for support. Given she's cut herself off from everyone in her family and doesn't maintain friendships, any relationship you have with her is likely to be fraught to conflict and drama. Sorry to sound harsh - it's up to you of course what you do. Do take care of yourself .

I agree with Petra I would not be getting in touch with her again. If you do get in touch again, make sure she knows that what she did is wrong. It is very unkind to do this to someone with a phobia.

People don't really change. Of course you want a lovely relationship with your sister - but get real. A minimal but civil contact is all that is going to happen without you constantly being hurt/upset/wondering if it is your fault (it's not). Don't be drawn in.

My daughter has bipolar disorder and I'm often shocked by the stigma and great lack of knowledge there still is surrounding mental health issues. My advice to anyone who 'thinks' or knows that someone has bipolar disorder or any other condition is to learn as much as possible and actually talk to the person rather than go by hearsay or general misconceptions. My daughter faces some sort of prejudice on an almost daily basis but she completed her degree in between bouts of illness, has a full time job, has recently married, owns her home and now engages in public speaking in the hope of raising a better awareness of mental health and the very many people it affects. As she says - she is no longer embarrassed by the fact that she's a bit different, quirky - she embraces it!

Your sister's reaction for having her remove a 'spider' FB post could simply be a clumsy attempt at curing you of arachnophobia. As long as she doesn't send you a real, live spider, I would probably give this one a pass.

This might be because your sister is not capable of empathy, and possibly why she has fallen out with so many people. If she is insensitive enough to think you should find this matter a joke, then you could see why so many people have cut her out of their lives. She is probably to be pitied for this and if you can find it in your heart to ignore the silly seemingly uncaring bits of her behaviour and enjoy the rest, then you may well be one of the only anchors that she has in her less than happy life.

Only you can decide if the relationship is worth dealing with this kind of disturbing joking.
As personality disorders have been mentioned, apparently Borderline Personality Disorder is often misdiagnosed as bipolar and obviously many people are not diagnosed as they haven't come to the attention of the mental health system.

She is your sister ?

My husband is Bi-Polar- undiagnosed for many years & put down to depression. He is now absolutely fine & on meds for life. I don't think it is Bi-Polar by the sound of it. His mood swings could last for months - I know this is not always the case. He wouldn't do mean or nasty things although he was totally thoughtless- he would either be everybody's best mate & spending loads of money or he would be really down & not want to see anyone or do anything.
It may well be a type of depression though so needs to be checked out. Trouble is she will not want to admit it or get any help.
TBH I'd stay away from her if you can unless you are prepared to put yourself through a lot of heartache & many months/years of supporting her through thick & thin with no thanks & a lot of abuse.
He is my husband & it was worth it to see him so well now but then I have never had a sister so I cannot judge.
My advice is to keep clear if you can.

Hi Rolande - 1. your sister's behaviour does not sound like a bi-polar disorder, and anyway you say she is undiagnosed and that this is just your suspicion. Others have thought her behaviour to be more like a personality disorder and there are many kinds of these, but borderline personality disorder is a dangerous one (don't think borderline is an indication of 'not really' - it means that the person borders on really loving another, or really hating them. They idealise certain people and then when they don't come up to expectations they hate them. You don't say what it was about your sister that you miss, or how long ago that was. Your own memories of her 'good' side may themselves be flawed - she may only have been 'good' because she was reflecting your coming up to her expectations. Essentially, people with borderline personality disorder are totally self-absorbed, they can't appreciate other people's motivations and believe that their own take on life is always right. This means they have difficulty in sustaining relationships. If you think this sounds like your sister, think very carefully about laying yourself open to her pranks because she will never understand how much she might hurt you, and will drain you of all energy.

I agree with ajanela does sound more like a personality disorder. I think I would keep things going for the time being now you have started and not reply if anything not acceptable is sent.

I think it definitely could have something to do with being bi polar. I have a friend who has it and she sometimes plays unkind "jokes". She has fewer inhibitions and sometimes her behaviour can seem odd. Try to put up with it if there are other things about her that you value.

silverlining48 I hope you do feel bad. I have a snake phobia and I know I would not appreciate such a 'joke'.

My dad was what would now be described as bi-polar. I sympathise with your whole family because it is so difficult to deal with. Your sister sounds to be at the worst end of what is a wide spectrum. She may be going through a bad spell. If I were you I would leave it now and resume contact when you are comfortable with doing so. At some point she may be willing to tell you more about what was wrong, but don't bank on it. One thing when my dad was being treated (a long time ago and traumatic treatment) my mum asked the psychiatrist how she should deal with his mood swings he told her to treat him as far as possible as she would do if he hadn't a problem but to be prepared to realise that he might not respond at the time as she expected but there might be longer term results when he had thought about things.
Please do stay in touch. She is a person and needs to have her family and whatever her mental health problems she's still your sister. Hope things go well for you.

You did say that you missed her, so I assume that there is a side to her that meets your need to have a sisterly relationship. She won't be the first sister in the world to be a ar*se at times, in some families this is normal, teasing and winding each other up, fallings out etc are just part and parcel of life for many people. Doesn't stop them loving each other.

Is that more than you can cope with? Is the spider thing the only way that she can upset you, or are you concerned that she didn't take your hint and sent it again in the e mail?

Is this the sister that you 'missed' or is this someone you can't really cope with, who just happens to be a sibling?

I miss my sister, she died from breast cancer about 10 years ago, I miss the fun times we had but she also had a very cruel streak and I don't miss that or the worry it caused me or the damage she did to the wider family. She caused rifts that have proved irreparable.

If you truly miss her as she is, flaws and all then proceed with caution but maybe, you just miss having a sibling and that is something a lot of us have to face as we get older.

Only you can calculate whether it is worth it to you or not, to take a different view of her pranks and minimise any effects upon yourself.

If my sister had confined herself to stupid pranks, I could have lived with that and just put it down to 'her being her', I wish that had been the case.

My grandaughter 7 doesnt like spiders and i sent her a cartoon pic of a spider, I just did it to stop her being scared......now i am feeling bad.

I was thinking the same as ajanela . Google personality disorder and see if it fits . I would ignore the spider posts and not even mention that you have received them to her . Sounds like attention seeking to me .

I think she is attention seeking and the only way she knows how to do it is with bad behavior. Not that knowledgeable about mental health, but this and her past history of falling out with all the family sounds more like a personality disorder rather than bipolar.

Totally ignore bad behavior, don't respond, don't let her know it has upset you. If she mentions it say as little as possible and change the subject, Only respond to nice behaviour.

Not sure this relationship can go far but understand you have to try. I wonder how her husband managed.

Hang on a minute, it wasn't just one photo sent, she sent you a second after you had pointed out your reaction. I am sorry but this sounds just plain nasty and to be honest you have come this far in your life without contact so I would say stop the contact and the hope of trying to find your old lovely sister. Just live with the good memories you have of her and not start to build up bad ones.

My sister and I are always winding each other up with photos of snakes, which terrify us, and cheeky comments about our size and shape. I think it is something siblings too frequently.

Thank you for all your messages. It helps me keeping things in perspective. I'll carry on with trying and keep an open mind and open my emails carefully!