What do you think actually does make a marriage?

This extract from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres is a popular reading choice for wedding ceremonies and DD2 read it at DD1s wedding.:

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. that is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.

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For me it's about space! It may just be me, but I need alone time. I appreciate him more if he does his thing and I do mine regularly.

One of the best things is companionship and humour. We do lots together and have shared interests and we laugh together lots. Being together is very nice, ironically, but then I need some time alone.

Trust is crucial. I have to trust him completely. I had to end my marriage many years ago because my husband couldn't be trusted and wasn't loyal to his family.

I cannot cope with people who are unpredictable in terms of moods and temper. I need someone consistently good humoured and well, for want of a better word, decent, even if we disagree. People who flare up and have violent tempers frighten me.

Acts of love matter too. The little things that show your partner cares help keep a relationship ticking over nicely. Touch matters to me, hugs and kisses and little displays of affection matter. Lust vanishes but affection and genuine caring for each other should replace that. It doesn't matter (imo) if you stop fancying your partner as long as you really like him, want him in your life and can't imagine being with anyone else.

Oh, and spare rooms. Lots of space

Still having the initial spark that drew us to each other many years ago. Not taking each other for granted ....doing things spontaneously and being supportive in each others ideas. Never going to bed on an argument.....all sulking etc. to be sorted out before it becomes a problem. Talking to each other and having a good sense of humour.

I absolutely agree with paddyann, you shouldn't marry anybody imagining you can change them.

I've seen quite a few people marry because they thought that their partners were sexy and attractive and that they could change the other things about them that they didn't like - this just doesn't happen and they are now divorced. If there are any things about somebody that you really don't like, then getting married is a big mistake. I suppose that this is where people go wrong when they marry for money? However rich you are you still have to live with your spouse, and like them.

I've also been married for 42 years and had many ups and downs but the main thing that we have in common is that we are each other's best friend (though we still differ in many ways and by no means always agree).

Now we're both retired and still happy in each other's company.

Loyalty - I don't think anyone has mentioned that, so important in my humble..

An equal partnership with love, respect and give and take. Having a shared interest helps but also time apart.

I've always said you shouldn't marry someone thinking you can change them,why marry them in the first place if they aren't quite what you want.Our minister has a joke that he usually tells at wedding receptions,sadly in some cases its true...he says I saw the bride walk down the aisle on her fathers arm ,she was radiant as she saw her husband to be stand at the altar I saw her lips move and as I lipread I made out these words...aisle ..altar ..hymn ...or was that I'll alter him .Acceptance is what makes my marriage work I think,we are very different in our outlook and our methods in acheiving things,he's far more practical than me but we always get there in the end .We've been together 43 years and WORKED together every day for one year longer than that .We've spent more time together than many people married twice as long,but I still love to see him come home in his suit and collar and tie with a smile on his face and my stomach still does a wee flip.I cant imagine life without him and THATS what makes a marriage ,if you can see your life without him why stay

Having a good sense of humour and being a friend and support to one another. Kindness and caring along with love of course.

Through our married life my DH has never been romantic or particularly considerate at times, it is our Golden Wedding Anniversary in October. His words to me 10 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer were "don't ever think I won't be there for you" meant more to me at that time than anything else in the world. Being there for each other whatever the circumstances is what a good marriage is to me. All marriages have rough patches and it is worth working through them if it is at all possible.

What makes a marriage? Accepting that it will be a work in progress forever. There will be good times and not such good times, but the best chance of it working is to keep on trying.

A sideline here - on the subject of being there in time of trouble, I can thoroughly recommend a film called 'Force Majeure' an entertaining but also thought-provoking situation around that theme

I wonder how much any of us thought about these things in the first throes of passion? Or are we lucky that things worked out? I don't remember thinking to myself, I bet he will be kind when I get to be 70, or anything of that nature.

Did any of you?

Being good friends so that when the starry eyed passion wears off you still get on well. And being kind to each other. Just a bit of thoughtfullness can make such a difference.

Smileless I heard something similar last week about a friends DD ending her marriage so very sad for all concerned.
We have had ups and downs poor days and very poor days but we struggled through and made good at the end.
When we where first married 42 yrs ago I remember us being out in Southport and commenting on the beautiful floral displays on a shop front and saying how I loved the white flowers used in the display and ever since when hubby has bought home flowers they have always been white blooms every time he brings flowers home my mind goes back to that special day all those yrs ago

Trust thoughtfulness allowing each other freedom to be themselves , lots of hugs and support when needed . Respect and honesty . Being able to sit quietly without awkwardness laughing together and sometimes if needed being able to cry together .

I love your post Exalted Wombat! Made me and OH laugh

I'm sorry if starting this thread has upset some of you or caused you to reflect.

Maybe marriages work if one doesn't reflect too much but just gets on with it. I doubt any marriage is all sweetness and light - ours certainly isn't - but I think being determined to see it through to the (bitter!!) end helps.

I suspect that we all, or most of us, follow the steps that imperfect mentions whether we know it or not.

I love this thread - the beautiful things and actions people share to make their marriage work. I suppose reading through its clear this isn't my marriage at all which makes me sad.

Companionship, patience and understanding. when the fires have become less frenetic but still smouldering nicely it is easy to reflect on why we married and why we want to be together: which makes a marriage.

That was a lovely and moving post on page 1 Penstemmon. Made me think of my friend's son whose 9 year marriage has recently broken down. They have 2 children aged 6 and 3, he adores his children and his wife but she doesn't want to be married anymore. Very sad.

I have found that being realistic is an advantage ( 23 years married and living together 16 years before that).

Looking for "happiness" or "trying to find yourself" ( as my brothers wife once said she wanted when she dumped my brother for a series of one night stands).

The fact is life is not all fun and happiness. Its often about someone being there when you need them and being willing to be taken for granted at other times too.

A friend of mine (ex nun who married and six kids) once said to me that marriage is like a rose garden. You have to put in a lot of hard work digging the soil and bury a lot of smelly horse manure to get the beautiful blooms and you have to remember that roses have a lot of thorns too.

It was Laurie Lee in "I can't stay long" who talked about the unique dovetailing of oddities".

I think a interest in what your half is doing caring for them Respect and lots of affection surprises now and again so things don't get boring having your own spaces but not totally ignoring the other person

Love and respect for each other. Compromise, sense of humour. and managing the difference between Venus and Mars!