Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

If only the News of the World was still in circulation. I could read all about last night's rumpus on the front page...*Caff raided by Special Branch*...'particulars taken down and staff banged up. Forensics still on the premises. Unidentified substances taken away on a lorry. Police escort in attendance. Anyone with information please contact MI5. Identity will not be disclosed for fear of major riot'.

I am pleading the fifth amendment. ....or first? second?

I am just an innocent who has been lead astray by those who shall remain nameless.

I was going to offer to check the Naughty Policemen's credentials Anya but Marydoll has much more experience in that department.
She knows her way around a truncheon or two.

Just heard rumours that we might be raided tonight ... so please check out all credentials for the Naughty Policmen act that I’ve booked for tonight.

Is this how you spell truncheons? Looks wrong to me ?

It’s a CAFE (to rhyme wif waif) not a café wif a posh accent. You might have caffs up there in bagpipe land, but oop north (stopping at Hadrian’s Wall) it’s a cafe. Souff of the Watford Gap it becomes a Café (to rhyme wif Mandalay)

Got it?

Just to let you all know, the fan dance is definitely on for tonight.
I'm not using fans, I'm using firemen's helmets to cover my bits. I found them down in the dressing room in the cellar. Must have been a fire at some point.
If that wasn't Soop's, stupendous, super intelligent, sexy surgeon, who on earth was he? Do you think he might have some friends who would be able to minister to us, when we have over indulged in everything and I mean EVERYTHING, laydees. 'ope I got the spellink wright

Bambam I hope you are bringing your firemen back to the Argy in time for the Karaoke. There are some firemen strippers out there ...

Chewbacca Marydoll That ain't the surgeon we collared. Yours looks intimidating and ours was drop-dead gorgeous. He smiled a lot and had a loverly set of sparkling white choppers. Such a pity he couldn't come out to play.

Menopaws I'm not allowed out for late night frolics. Have one of them stay-put-and-keep-the-peace orders (or else) slapped on me only last week.

Bambam Easy on the Drambuie. You've a long night ahead. Need to have your wits about you. How many firemen can you cope with? Things could get too hot to handle.

Chewy has advertised MaryD tonight with her very crude fan fan dance. With one fan and occasional bits in show.
I won't be in till later, going out with local firemen friends for dinner.
I'll try to drag a few "friends" back with me. Put some cash in the Argy Caf coffers!
Bye for now! Is it ok if I have a quart of Drambuie take-out?
I'll have a sip before I go for an afternoon nod.

As we are a very liberal lot, who do not follow the rules and would never dream of posting on the Pedant's Corner thread, we can spell CAFF, with a long f ,any way wot we waaaaant tae dae it.
If you wish to discuss it further, please make an appointment to see BIG Jim, I'm too timid for the more robust discussions .

Sorry to tell you soop that your surgeon friend has been "waylaid" on his way to your gaff by that minx hussy Marydoll. He did indeed look a nice turned out chap before MD got her mitts on him. He's looking somewhat the worse for wear now, I'm afraid. We'll send what's left of him back to you later if there is anything left.

Anyway all things considered, who is up for a bit of karaoke tonight, I've made a lovely batch of cookies and got in a new barrel of Bishops Finger so see you all later

that should be - whomsoever I think!

By the by...the correct spelling for your establishment should be Caf. Pass message on to whoever it is who can't spell proper...

I was told that he spent the time listening to whale music. It's supposed to be calming! Not too sure he's been right ever since.

Bambam I'm so ashamed of myself. He was such nice guy. Wouldn't say boo to goose. Impeccable manners, well groomed and highly polished shoes that was before I tried to have him join the party Afterwards...well, let's just say he needed to lie down in a dark room for a good week.

Soop! We know that you have more than moments when you throw caution and most of your clothes to the wind.
We heard of your escapade with the dishy surgeon. Heard the poor man had to have counselling by the time he escaped left your establishment.

Okay! you lot need to understand that us lot in the upmarket kitchen also have "our moments" when we throw caution to the wind and behave ever so slightly unseemingly. For example: we've been known to try to kidnap a renowned orthopaedic surgeon (one that gave me a new hip and sort of promised that I could have a bottle small G&T to celebrate actually surviving the op') The plan was to have a free for all gathering of gentlewomen/Granspals in my posh hospital room. In the meantime...one who shall not be named for fear of doing time in the chokey was to persuade the said dishy surgeon to join in the mayhem light hearted fun. Well, our plan fell at the first hurdle. Wouldn't you know it. Someone in authority sussed out our evil intentions. Hence, said surgeon was forced to perform another hip op during the all night shenanigans drinkie poo session (coffee/tea/ strictly no booze) and he was too knackered to knock politely on my door and enter the den of iniquity. Just sayin' Us lot also know how to have a laff.

There is a slight problem, Chewy. I hope Jane wont be too shocked that I'm missing a fan. Oh well, she is rich enought to afford counselling after the trauma of seeing the bits I will be unable to cover up.
I hope Meno is including some of the hash brownies on her menu. That should sedate Jane enough, not to notice the travesty.

Jane10 don't leave just yet! Book a table with us for tonight and I'm sure you won't be disappointed. Menopaws has an excellent menu for this weekend: beer battered pigs ears with hoisin sauce, sprouts and spuds, followed by week old Eton Mess. Only a fiver a head and followed by cabaret. Marydoll is doing a fan fan strip tease act with some of the knickers my Rev boyfriend has left over. And Anya is practising her chihuahua juggling act. Do say you'll come, it's going to be a blast!

Sniff. I had read on another thread last week that your establishment was considered posh. As a naturally posh person I thought I might visit but sent my assistants Antoine and Fabrice to check it out and possibly speak to the maitre d about booking a table for me and a few other members of the House of Lords.
It would seem the place is not for us. It's a pity as we were getting a bit sick of the Savoy. Oh well.

Meno Thank you

I think Fabric softener and Anusol are quite enjoying the Argy ladies and their antics, sorry Jane

Marydoll is my friend and I think it's unfair to refer to her as a massive grubby item

Jane10 I am afraid that you have got soop's kitchen mixed up with this disreputable place. May I ask where you were dragged up if you do not recognise refaynment. Please just look at the angle of the pinkie when those in soop's kitchen are lifting a cup or mug. That should give you a hint as to where you are.

I am so disappointed I did not manage to pick up a dozen or so pairs of knickers- my house is going to be much colder if I cannot use them to insulate my loft.

I am not raking around the linen bin, I have not quite sunk to the depths of some I have seen in here.