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Is this being unkind or selfish

(104 Posts)
AlgeswifeVal Tue 04-Jul-17 21:50:09

Four of us are going on a short break next week. On Monday we are getting the train returning on Friday. Tonight we had a meeting to discuss arrangements. I was greeted by one of the women saying, ' my husband can take three of us to the station but not you, (me) there isn't room in the car for four, you will have to get the bus'. Her husband has a new Range Rover, that seats three in the back. My husband is disabled and cannot drive anymore. I felt a bit uncomfortable and slightly upset. Please tell me, should I be feeling hurt and also feel she is being selfish. Or should I just except that not everyone is very thoughtful. Or am I being childish.

Nannarose Wed 05-Jul-17 17:55:49

I assumed that OP meant she was '2 minutes' from the other group, who all live near each other, not '2 minutes from the station'.

I suspect, unless the ladies are unusually large (!) the issue is more the husband having to clear the boot for their luggage(I speak as someone who has half her boot taken up with 'emergency' stuff!)

I also have to say that I would only go on a break like this with very close friends, so would have thought she would have the measure of them.
If it's a group who are going away because of shared interest (medieval nunneries or cheese making or something) then maybe this is the 'unofficial' leader who bosses everyone.

I usually allow someone 'one pass' at something like this, as we can all be a bit tactless, thoughtless, or not quite on the ball sometimes. I do hope it's a one-off and OP has a good break.

Cherrytree59 Wed 05-Jul-17 19:38:47

I am so indignant on your behalf!
Take the bus?.
with your luggage presumably?
I should coco
Take a Taxi and rise above her for this break.
But then like beautiful Elephant.....
Never forget,
The time will surely come when the witch woman requires help or a lift and then the rest as they say is up to you.smile

NfkDumpling Wed 05-Jul-17 19:53:38

Your 'friend' handled it badly. It could have been handled more kindly and she probably meant no offence.

Our XTrail will take four passengers plus their luggage - provided no more than one (who gets the front seat) is of ample build. I would take a taxi and look hard done by - but enjoy the luxury of solitude. I assume someone else will draw the short straw on the return journey.

BlueBelle Wed 05-Jul-17 20:05:59

Why pick on you ? And why did no one else speak up? Have you been on holiday with them before .? gosh I wouldn't want to go, what if there's only room for three on something on the holiday I d rather be on my own than have this kind of 'friend'

I doubt if angleswifeval will get a lift back it ll be the same ones jumping in and driving off

Desdemona Wed 05-Jul-17 23:04:24

She sounds mean. I would go this time but think twice about any further trips with this person.

Day6 Thu 06-Jul-17 00:07:05

I cannot believe anyone could be that rude and insensitive. She's created a rift, deliberately. What a vile thing to do!

Wouldn't it have been better if she'd thrown it open to the group, and said something along the lines of "Hey girls, we have a problem. DH can only get three of us in the car." (Even if her Range Rover can easily fit three on the back seat!)

At least that way there could have been a discussion and perhaps one of you might have suggested they'd make their own way to the station, or shared a taxi or something. It would have been much more diplomatic.

Some people are just plain nasty and that 'friend' of yours has just revealed her true colours. I do hope the others speak up or they'll be colluding with her. Not a happy situation for a trip away together.

inishowen Thu 06-Jul-17 07:36:55

The next time she asks you for a lift say you have no room in your car, when it patently obvious you have room.

Gemmag Thu 06-Jul-17 08:49:10

Rise above it and take a taxi to the station.
I suspect this is a few days away with some people you don't know that well otherwise you would have been able to say something!. Just enjoy the break, not worth saying anything IMO. Did you get to the meeting after the arrangements had were made?. Never mind life's too short.

GailJ Thu 06-Jul-17 10:07:16

It's not so much that they didn't have room but the way it was delivered. That's how I see it - it should have been disgusted with the option of someone volunteering who takes the bus!
I would have found that comment extremely rude, and the fact that your husband has a disability I would have thought you would have been given priority.
Are these people your friends?
My hackles would have come up if I had have been spoken to like that - very uncouth

JanaNana Thu 06-Jul-17 10:17:41

I wonder why you were singled out to get the bus and not one of the others. I would have felt uncomfortable if I was one of the other ladies on your behalf.....and a bit miffed myself. Perhaps if she had handled it differently ...for instance ...sorry can only get three in the back who"s going to draw the short straw etc. I wonder if she thinks you are too easy going and would put up the least resistance. I would toughen your stance with this woman a bit ...don"t be available to give her lifts or anything else for that matter or the others either ...NO .. is a word they may not like to hear but you will feel better for it.

Jaycee5 Thu 06-Jul-17 10:20:50

My sister did that to me, except that she brought a friend along to a family outing with my mother and her husband (who I hadn't seen for several years as they live abroad) and announced that there wasn't room in the car for me. This was fairly typical of my family dynamic and has made me very intolerant of bullying by exclusion.
It was rude and, even if she had made that decision, there was a better way to raise it. Will you have much luggage to carry? She could at least have offered to help with that.
Hopefully you will enjoy your break and you know now to have as little to do with her as possible.

Legs55 Thu 06-Jul-17 10:22:15

Would it not have been possible to book a taxi to collect all 4 of you + luggage, most taxi firms have 7 seaters for Airport runs. Transport should have been discussed not a decision made by one person. I would not be offering this woman a lift, if she asked for a lift I'd find a convenient excusegrin

Hope you have a nice holiday

Kim19 Thu 06-Jul-17 10:31:40

AlgeswifeVal.....are you sure you still really want to go on this trip? Sounds like a non-starter to me. I was more disappointed by the lack of camaraderie from one of the other lift recipients than I was by the callous person. It's natural friendship to react to such harshness by combatting it methinks. On the other hand, being independent has many advantages so rise above it if you can. Will be very interested to hear how this trip goes if you are willing to share on return. Good luck and I genuinely hope you enjoy.

50ShadesofGreyMatter Thu 06-Jul-17 10:33:55

You missed a trick there hmm ....when rude woman asked for a lift you should have said "oh no, you'll have to get the bus"!
grin

philly Thu 06-Jul-17 10:40:27

This story is beyond belief, of course a Range Rover has more than enough room for four passengers and their luggage. She is not a friend of yours. If it was me I would never want to see her again.

Teddy123 Thu 06-Jul-17 10:44:41

I'm not able to rise above that sort of thing and wouldn't be going! Far too deliberately mean. But still hope you enjoy the break. Hope you're not sharing rooms x

trisher Thu 06-Jul-17 10:50:49

As you live a couple of minutes away I am wondering if this isn't her but her DH's decision- "Well I can pick them up but I'm not going there!". Do you know the DH is he a bit controlling? I'm trying to think of a reason why she might behave like this. If it was a close friend who had said this to me it would've been met with some sort of come back-"Thanks very much (bitch)" being one. But I also know that my other friends would have protested loudly and thought of another solution. Hope you have a lovely time and get chance soon to pay her back!

Torquoise5 Thu 06-Jul-17 10:51:06

Why dont you end the speculation and probably the hurt by asking "why me?"

Mspjam123 Thu 06-Jul-17 10:54:35

Well, I can't say that I'd be very impressed eitherangry

tigger Thu 06-Jul-17 10:54:43

Why are you going on holiday with a person like that?

radicalnan Thu 06-Jul-17 10:57:48

Did she pick you as you are nearest the station? Try not to see any more in her decision maybe than there is. Don't let it spoil your holiday and get a taxi sorted, both ways.

After the holiday you can reasses the friendship......but put your own interests first now and make the most of your break.

Mspjam123 Thu 06-Jul-17 10:58:10

PS, what do your other two mates make of it?

mags1234 Thu 06-Jul-17 11:05:41

First, she s mean. Don't let it spoil your break, rise above it for ur own sake and for the others u are going with. Do they feel uncomfortable about it?
Second, she s probably jealous and feels the others are more friendly with u than with her. That's her problem.
Third, once u come back, don't be so accommodating to her, she s using you. Have a reason practiced so you can't give her a lift, e.g. No, I'm going somewhere else after this so I can't take u home. Bloody cheek of her!
I'd be stewing over this for ages, I'm too sensitive . But have your holiday first then either say something in front of the others " why couldn't u fit me in your big car." Because if u don't address it, it will fester away at u. I regret things I didn't address and years later I'm still thinking about it. Say it calmly, and let her know her behaviour was out of order. She s the nasty one, not u.

Lyndie Thu 06-Jul-17 11:06:56

This is interesting to me because all my life I have given in. But recently. I came out of my drive onto the single track and a little way along a car appeared round the corner, so we became car to car. I knew there was a place covered with grass he could have easy backed up to to let me by. I was going to do voluntary work and was late. Normally I would have backed up. But the passenger a women got out the car harranging me. My type of person. Etc. I was trying to explain just a little way behind and there was a passing place. She said she would call the police. So eventually I backed back into my drive. I realise now some people must go all there life with conflict. Which I haven't had. Just let it go and if she is the type of person that makes you feel bad. Give her a wide berth. There are so many lovely people out there. Unfortunately they do hide but just find them .

FlorenceFlower Thu 06-Jul-17 11:14:57

I hope that she didn't intend to be mean, and suggested it as she knows that you are the most capable, the fittest or live closest. Sometimes we make suggestions and the reasons why we make the suggestions are clear to us but not at all clear to anyone else.

I think on this occasion you should presume that she meant it as a compliment, and you enjoy the holiday. Presumably too expensive to back out now.

But, in future (and far easier said than done) ask 'Why me?'. I can remember a friend being very upset over something similar, and her sister said 'But you are family, and the others are too divvy to make their own way there!'

Have a lovely time ?