troublesome committee member

(sent too soon). To be fair he is not a bully, just socially cloth eared and a bit inept. I know people who worked with him and they also agree that his problem is social ineptitude.

I am on a very happy and co-operative committee where one member can be a bit abrupt. He is indefatigable in his work, always with the best interests of the society in mind.

Mostly we just accept it as his manner and ignore it, although there have been times when he is a bit OTT, at which point, I, certainly tell him politely but firmly to back off. he means well and just accepts it. Occasionally I go away fulminating, but usually recover after an hour or two, although on one occasion recently I did walk out and go home - but I calmed down and we are both on good terms again.

Yes, I have had this problem twice. The first time, I stood down from the committee and politely stated clearly why in my resignation letter. I was asked to go back on the committee but politely declined.

On the second occasion some years later, one particular man, thought he could habitually bully me because I was a southener(!) I let him get away with it, whilst I slowly "reeled him in". The time came when he got both barrels from me and was put in his place immediately. Other members of the committee gave me a round of applause. However, I stood down because I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of it all.

Oh well said glamma

Hilltopgran Such a good comment about standing up to a bully once they are confronted you can almost gaurentee a stand down by them,I have decided not to carry on as a volunteer member of the Charity I worked for as a shop manager because an Area Manager was brought in and picked on the brains and experience of long time members to gain knowledge and restructure the Charity to suit herself causing massive friction amongst the long srving members no on e stood up to her and they still don't,after my retirement from the role she asked me to stay on using the reason that my experience would help the Charity no end,what she meant was she could use all my contacts and therefore build herself up to the trustees at what a good job she was doing,she was dismayed when I told her that I couldn't work to my best abillities working with her and was taking my expertise elsewhere.

That is indeed a sticky situation, Travelsafar. Maybe you could phrase a question to your friend in terms of is she finding it all too much as you've noticed she's been a bit sharp with some of the others lately?

I was involved in resolving a similar situation where the Chair person had been the chair for a long time and was very rude and short with the womenTrustees and the female CEO felt bullied by him.

The problem needed to be resolved. I sent a confidential email to the chair detailing how his approach was affecting others, he was not happy about being approached and told, but did curb his manner in meetings. I used email so I could check my wording carefully plus have a written record of my approach. A new person then decided to stand for chair at the AGM and the serving person decided to resign. Meetings are now led in a friendly way and far more productive.
A long career working with people taught me that bulies only back down if stood up to. Being a voluntary committee member should make you feel valued, all members have to show respect for each other, any member who can not subscribe to this view and tries to bully or overshadow others should be challenged. Nonone is more important than the charity or cause, people who can not respect and work with others should be asked to resign and be given an honest explanation about how they upset others.

I avoid committees like the plague. Happy to volunteer at a lowly level and keep my head down. When invited to attend committee meetings I am always busy . I'm sorry, travelsafar, that doesn't really help you. There are some more helpful comments here, just wanted you to know you are not alone in experiencing this behaviour.

I am on two committees and would agree with the comments above. Many people join a committee to gain a sense of power especially when retired. You have to stand up to bullies and if nasty comments are being addressed to members then committee needs to take action and give a warning about possible sanctions. Do u have a constitution? What power does it give u to discipline members?

Depends on what kind of committee it is. If it's one that has a constitution which stipulates that all remarks must be made to the chairman, then that is the route to take. One governing body I was on a long time ago had a 'no confidence' vote against a disruptive member. It worked. If the obnoxious member of the OP's committee is getting away with personal abuse, the chairmanship must be pretty useless.

In my experience all committees comprise various personality types from the bossy control freak via the boring one who loves the sound of their own voice. Though the one who I find most annoying is the permanent joker type who thinks they're funny ......
So like a few others who've posted, I no longer volunteer on any sort of committee cos I'm boringly normal.

Lilylilo I'm very much afraid you are right so I have a project that I'm starting on from scratch and will be able to establish some ground rules from the beginning so I'm hoping for good things.

Yes RAF I play golf - well I say I play golf- its golf RAF but not as we know it!! (HC 32)

Do you know that is exactly why I never volunteer anymore. I now steer clear of Boards of Governors, Charity Groups, Friends of.... etc etc because there is always a bossy, obnoxious type ruling the roost.

People like this seem to gravitate towards committees, from being in charge of the playgroup committee to school PTA through to U3A!

Unfortunately, I think they will not respond to being told that their attitude is not always acceptable to others and believe that they must be in control and that everyone is out of step but them.

It does make others reluctant to volunteer and the 3 year rule does not always seem to be applied as volunteers become few. They can gravitate from one office on the committee to another anyway and never stop being in charge.

SueDonim that is the way i would deal with it but it is not myself she was rude too.

I count her and her husband as friends and feel as such, i should approach it from that angle, friendship, informing her in a nice way that she is upsetting members of the club and the committee have been asked to intervene now.

She has already been moved from another institutes committee for the similar reasons.

It is such a shame as she is so great at what she does, it is almost like another person takes her over when given any kind of power.

I have recently left a volunteer-run organisation that I loved volunteering for and had been doing for several years. I was "advised to leave" by the chairman who had a massive ego, had been the founder member and objected to my trying to expand the work we did.
He has now resigned himself and several of my friends have asked me to go back but, the person who has agreed to take over as chair has modelled himself on the previous guy!
Because the organisation covers a wide area geographically, email is used a lot to communicate and the previous guy used to send me abusive and hurtful emails copied to the committee, none of whom ever argued with him. The new guy has started to do the same so I don't think I want seconds!

I have left and am about to start volunteering for a different organisation. Travelsafar I would go along with asking your chairman to support you but with the proviso that if things don't improve, go elsewhere. Bullies rarely change unless they want to. Hope all goes well. People like that can really make one miserable.

If you prefer to be give the other person a chance to redeem themselves you can try saying 'I'm sure you didn't mean to come over as rude/aggressive/unpleasant, so would you like to rephrase that?'

Hopefully that would take the wind out of their sails.

Just occurred to me I had one committee member who disliked me (and probably still does) She instantly disagreed with everything I said. I found the best way was to take on board her comments, acknowledge them and then do exactly what I had proposed, taking it to a vote if necessary. She then proceeded to exhibit the most aggressive body language folding her arms and glaring at me across the table and I smiled back. Someimes these people are really deflected if they don't get the response they expect..

The NHS is full of bullies...........

You could suggest to your colleagues on the committee that the next time the person starts, you all get up and leave the room.

I find the problem is that you may be prepared to tackle the issue, but others, however vociferous about it, when it comes to the crunch just sit there looking sheepish.

So many stalwarts I know give way and leave because nobody reins the bullies in, which is why the NHS is so short of good managers.

Good luck.

Teetime (are you a golfer?) you post rang so many bells, have also suffered from bullying as an NHS manager. The problem is that when it appears after retirement the old feelings of helplessness surface. As others have said the Chair must take responsibility for what happens during meetings and in online communications. If they are not prepared to do that, they should not be Chair. But don't be afraid to challenge bad behaviour now either, you are not being paid by the organisation so there is nothing they can do to you, bear that in mind!

I have come across many types like this. If it's a new thing, maybe something has happened in their personal life to upset them.

Normally I would suggest taking them on one side and having a quiet word but if you think this wouldn't work, is there some procedural way of getting rid of them - eg at the next AGM?

If you can't wait till then, someone (preferably the Chair as they have authority) needs to speak out at the committee meeting and say something to them like -

"All committee members should treat each other with dignity and respect. What you have just said/the way you have just spoken to [name] was disrespectful and unacceptable. Please moderate your language in the future."

They might storm out but you're better off without them. Let others have a chance to be on the committee and show their worth. No one is indispensable.

How long a term do people serve? Getting it restricted to, say, 3 years might make things bearable.
Also, making plans for succession (whether or not it's planned) can be used as a lever for someone empire-building; getting all the committee to diary what they do can make it obvious when someone's got too many fingers in pies, and so jobs can be taken away and spread around a bit.

When I worked for a particular housing association..(one of three I was employed by) they decided in their wisdom that we should have some residential training courses to make sure we knew how to handle various situations /scenarios. Chairing a meeting and being part of a committee was part of this. A good chairman/person should nip anything like this in the bud as it happens if it's during a committee meeting , otherwise if it's not happening within the meeting someone needs to have this put as Any Other Business on the next meeting agenda. Some people should never be on committees in my opinion as they have no respect for the chairperson and are often given to big sulks when things don't go their own way. Some of them are worse than squabbling children!

I agree with trisher, about steps to take and have discussed similar incidents with others and we decided that there are a few retirees who take out their angst on others. It's often from people who have enjoyed 'managing' others a bit too much and find life a bit dull without, annoying/upsetting others. When confronted they often deny all knowledge, its playground bully syndrome. Please don't resign Teetime as the bully will continue with their horrid ways.

Are you on the same committee as me, we are having the same problem, unfortunately it got so bad that the Chairman resigned and now the "control freak" is standing for chair.
This person is out of control but is also the backbone of the organisation.
I and others are torn in what to do, we have built the organisation up in the last year and it was doing well until this person decided she was not in total control anymore. She has even tried to cancel events because she could not be present and she has to be centre of everything.
I was recently asked to do a TV interview and she was furious and tried to call the company, to cancel the interview as she would not be there.
I am thinking of resigning at the end of the year but I really do enjoy my role on the committee.
We shall see what happens at the next meeting.