Problems with Daughter in Law

I never cease to be amazed at people posting photographs on face book that can only cause pain to those who are going through very difficult times.An example in my life is my son left his wife and three children as he found 'love' with his aoul mate!Fair enough you may think. But his devasteated wife sitting home on new years eve felt even more devastated by a mass of photos of her husband and new partner on the ski slopes, at a restaurant toasting new years eve etc etc. When I told him of my feelings on his insensitivity he seemed surprised it would cause upset!!! So no doubt your daughter will also be unable to get it. I feel if the boot were on the other foot, and it had been her,or in my sons case him, maybe they would have thought it through at time of other peoples life changing moments. Maybe not though, people have different takes on things.

Very difficult situation - if it continues to escalate it could split your family. Horrible thing to have happened - lots of us have had miscarriages (not at 20 weeks in my case which is so sad), but we do recognise your DILs pain. Of course your daughter's wedding should have gone ahead and hopefully you all had a wonderful day. Cancelling the wedding would not have made a bit of difference to what happened to DIL. Send her some flowers with a note to say that you wish with all your heart that she had not lost a much loved baby and that you had not lost a new grandchild and hope that time will help ease the heartache. Give her some space and time but let her know that she is still a much loved member of your family and that when she feels ready you would love to see her.

Oh can't we all see both sides with the advantages of old age and experience.
Let her come to terms with it herself in her own way. She surely will, thousands have done it before her.

Totally agree with Bibbity. Can't put my feelings into words. Our DD and SiL went through this awful scenario. It is a death and she needs to mourn, work through all her feelings together with your Son. Our DD and SiL with their then 2 year old son put a tree in the garden and under the roots placed a tupperware box with messages for their 'Star Baby' and little gifts so the baby is always in their thoughts and with the family. It helps enormously. DD also has a heart which is weighted according to the weight of the lost baby. You can purchase these from www.ahearttohold.org We too were in floods of tears for the grandchild we wont get to hold but fortunately for the family baby was cremated and ashes scattered at a lovely child friendly crematorium which we visit each year. Give them time much love to all involved.xx

honestly if my family were so insensitive as to put happy smiley photos all over FB the week my baby died I'd be a bit off with them too.Of course your daughter should have gone ahead with the wedding BUT she could have kept those pictures private until her grieving sister in law felt able to look at them .I think your daughter owes them a huge apology

Reading the above messages I see that many people have commented on your DIL's pain and shock which will colour her response at the moment.

However, I would just like to point out that she is (understandably) behaving irrationally, scapegoating you and lashing out.

I hope that with continued positive thoughts, words and support she can grieve and finally realise that you could not (even had you wanted to) have cancelled you other child's wedding and that nothing is your fault. Her current behaviour is cutting her husband off from the love and support of his own family and, hopefully, she will amend her behaviour when the first searing pain dies down.

I think at least one person should offer you unalloyed support since nothing is your fault and you will be as heartbroken as anyone over the whole affair.

Her world has been destroyed. And worse still she would've had to make that decision to terminate a very much wanted baby. She didn't just lose her baby. She had to sign forms, speak about the procedure and then of course go through it. All while feeling her baby move and kick and knowing that that would soon end.
And all the while the world I saw still spinning, the birds are still singing and people are living their lives. It's not fair. Her world has been destroyed. She has no happiness. So right now she can't understand how anyone else can.
Please don't make this about how she is to you.
And please do not turn up at her door unannounced!
I understand this must be hard for you. But it's going to be a very very very long time before she may be able to act normal. She may never behave like the person you knew. She's not the same person.
It's just shit. Absolutely shit.
And my heart breaks for her and her OH.

How well do you get on with her mother dragonfly? If you are close, it may be worth speaking to her about this and saying that the last thing you wanted to do was cause more distress and all you want to do is to help - after all, this was a shared grandchild.

go through the grief process

thats nonsense vampirequeen" all thats wrong with this poor girl is grief .Give her time,unless it has happened to you you wont understand ,she'll blame herself she's locked in the first stage of raw grief ,angry ,hurt and lashing out.Theres nothing warped about it ,its perfectly normal.I think we see bereavement on TV shows and people are back to normal withing weeks....thats not how it is for most people .Its a long difficult ,painful experience and as *pesionpat says it may be with her for ever.My heart breaks for women who are suffering this way .She has to be allowed to go the the grief process naturally,pills from her GP wont help in the long run

She's still grieving but blaming you and complaining that the wedding wasn't cancelled suggests she is suffering from warped thinking. She's been through a terrible experience and it would be strange if it hasn't affected her mental health. Perhaps your son could persuade her to visit the doctor.

All the "special" days- Mothers Day, birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day. Also the date of conception, if known, the saddest day of all, the end of life, and the expected date of the birth, all these will be remembered by the parents and cause grief, perhaps for ever.

At the SANDS garden at the National Arboretum, you may write anything you wish on a stone, and leave it as a tangible memorial. Very important if there is no other place like a grave. I. Am considering doing this myself, but I am putting it off until 3 years time, when it would have been my daughters 50th birthday.

It also occurs to me that it might be around the time when the child would have been born
That is the time when, even if others think a woman may be 'getting over it' and she may even think that she could be coming to terms with her loss, it can trigger depression.

It has also just occurred to me that she may also have worries about her ability to have more children. Do you know if they have been offered genetic counselling or if they have been given information about why the baby was damaged? The other thing is you feeling she is stopping you seeing your GD she may just be feeling a bit over protective to the child she has.

Your little ducks reminded me of a rattle that belonged to my brother who died aged 2. My mum kept it safe for years.

can I say that when you experience this kind of loss people tend not to know what to say.You dont need to say anything you need to listen and if she talks about her baby then when you answer her please use his name ,its important that you acknowledge he was a part of their lives however briefly.Hopefully the days when people crossed the road to avoid a bereaved mother are gone and if she knows anyone with a baby encourage them to visit ,sometimes just holding a little one will help her come to terms with her loss.She'S likely have footprints and handprints ,see if she needs a photo frame for them or offer to help her make a memory box.She'll no doubt have collected small things for him so put one or two in it.I have two little ducks that were a pram toy for the baby I lost 40 years ago and I would never part with them ,the things she has will be a great comfort to her in years to come.Oh and dont tell her she's young and can have another baby...they're not replaceable and when/if she feels able to try again be ready to support her every day as she will worry until the baby is born

I know nothing of this kind of loss, but would it help to speak one to one to your DiL with no one else around?

I mean turn up on her door step when you know she's alone. Don't tell anyone else except perhaps your husband what you intend to do. Maybe then you could talk mother to mother. If you need to stay overnight, book somewhere yourself so she doesn't have to worry about that. Just an idea.

Other than that I would suggest writing a letter to her again as mother to mother, not to your son and DiL. You are already there for your son and he knows that.

Make this gesture about you and her.

I agree with all that has been said, and perhaps you should arrange meetings that will be less of a 'social' occasion for a bit. If there is somewhere the child will be remembered then perhaps a visit. I wonder if she really wanted to talk to you about the baby and found social chat too much for her. It also occurs to me that it might be around the time when the child would have been born and that would be an awful time for her. Just try to keep lines of communication open.

I really think that you can only give her time - it is very raw for her; and desperately sad for everyone.

She is hitting out at you - which we know is irrational - but it is what people do when they feel helpless and grief-stricken. It was down to your DD to cancel the wedding and, since she had taken the decision to go ahead, you could not boycott it.

Just give her time - send her little messages of love and hope and just be secure in the knowledge that she will come round in her own good time. And your son of course needs your kindness and care as best you can in the situation.

I am so sorry that you are in this terrible dilemma and trust that time will heal.

Thank you for your replies. I hadn't heard of Sands but will pass the info on. Yes I realise I just have to be there and support her but hate to see them in so much pain.

There has been another thread recently about the difficulties that arise when tragedies like this occur just before a wedding or other big family event.

However there is something so personal and devastating about losing a child at such a time, your DiL's devastation and grief are utterly understandable.

Like others I think the best thing is to stay silent, support your son and explain to him, how much at a time like this his wife will turn to her mother, and then wait. I think jalima's suggestion about the SANDS garden is very good. Tell your son about it and he will know when to suggest a family visit there, if it is practical.

I can only imagine the pain this poor girl is going through - must be unbearable.
She and her husband need time on their own....i.e. without having to juggle other people's emotional responses....to begin to heal.
Of course she is going to be very traumatised and so is your son. If blocking out the wedding is one coping mechanism I do think you need to allow her the time to do that. Putting pressure on her to respond in ways you think are acceptable is never going to work.
Your son needs you calm silent support not the added distraction of coping with your needs. I do not doubt your suffering either....the loss of a Grandchild would break me.

Please try to turn a blind eye to her reactions to you. No doubt she is almost lashing out in her pain and will slowly learn that bridges will be needed in the future.
Give them time, your unconditional love and ....albeit at the moment silent support, and I'm sure your relationship with her will be rebuilt.

What a very sad thing to happen and a difficult position for you to be in.

I would echo what Paddyann has said. Its not about you but about your poor son and especially your daughter in law. They will never get over this but when she is in a less emotional state she will realise that it wasn't really practical to cancel the wedding.

People who have to have a termination for medical reasons can often feel that it was their fault and can then lash out. I'm sure your son is feeling sad and bereft but everyone needs to concentrate on your DiL for the moment.

Could you invite them all over to stay, go and visit, but stay in a B&B, so you can see your son and your granddaughter who must also be bewildered. Just be there for either or both of them.

Poor girl, and your poor son. Paddyann is right in what she says, give her time. She perhaps wants to keep her little girl close just now,maybe that's why you havn't seen as much of her.
Losing a wanted baby is devastating and it does feel as if no one else understands. It will take time.
I am sure you will be as supportive as you can.

20 weeks is quite well on into the pregnancy and she must be feeling devastated.

There is a SANDS garden at the National Memorial Aboretum in Staffordshire:
www.sands.org.uk/support-you/remembering-your-baby/sands-garden

I don't know if you are anywhere near there or if you could all meet up at some point in the future and remember your grandchild there.
You will have to keep extending a sympathetic hand and let her take things at her own pace for the time being I think.