Problems with Daughter in Law

Very difficult situation - if it continues to escalate it could split your family. Horrible thing to have happened - lots of us have had miscarriages (not at 20 weeks in my case which is so sad), but we do recognise your DILs pain. Of course your daughter's wedding should have gone ahead and hopefully you all had a wonderful day. Cancelling the wedding would not have made a bit of difference to what happened to DIL. Send her some flowers with a note to say that you wish with all your heart that she had not lost a much loved baby and that you had not lost a new grandchild and hope that time will help ease the heartache. Give her some space and time but let her know that she is still a much loved member of your family and that when she feels ready you would love to see her.

I never cease to be amazed at people posting photographs on face book that can only cause pain to those who are going through very difficult times.An example in my life is my son left his wife and three children as he found 'love' with his aoul mate!Fair enough you may think. But his devasteated wife sitting home on new years eve felt even more devastated by a mass of photos of her husband and new partner on the ski slopes, at a restaurant toasting new years eve etc etc. When I told him of my feelings on his insensitivity he seemed surprised it would cause upset!!! So no doubt your daughter will also be unable to get it. I feel if the boot were on the other foot, and it had been her,or in my sons case him, maybe they would have thought it through at time of other peoples life changing moments. Maybe not though, people have different takes on things.

I have traveller friends and when a tradegy occurs they are able to move their vans and be together, something I have always envied. Of course she wants her family AND her husband poor girl. It is good in a way that she is lashing out a bit (not at all comfortable for you) but healthy for her, anger being part of grieving. I think posting pics of FB so soon was thoughtless and while she is so low, must have hurt her, her hormones will be all over the places, she has been through a trauma and lost her hope for the future. It would not have hurt the bride to forgo doing this on the day when she had everything and the other girl had nothing.

People do get over these things, like all bereavements it is a very painful process. You son must be feeling the strain too, try to be close if you can and let her know there are no hard feelings, you understand.

How very sad for your son and DiL. They are full of grief for the loss of the baby while around them everyone else"s life seems happy. They need time to grieve and mourn his loss.Your daughter probably did"nt realise just how upset her SiL would be seeing the wedding photo"s. You can only be there for your son and DiL, giving loving support however you see possible. It"s very early days yet , play it by ear.

Grief has a way of shutting people out. The emotions and ways it is causing her to think won't be understandable to anyone else... until you've lost someone as close as a child/parent. People handle these things differently. And although the pregnancy wasn't carried to term, she could be battling with some PPD on top of the grief she's already experiencing. Do your best to say nothing, put no pressure on her, and keep the door open.

I lost parents when I had young children and my in laws refused to give me the space I needed to grieve. I tried telling them over and over and over again in my own way as kindly as possible that I was doing the best I could to still see everybody, but that I really needed some time. They refused to listen. I was deeply grieving and needed time to process and to find myself again. It really damaged the relationship and after that I really did see much less of them (which also meant they saw less of our children), because who can deal with the stress of of people who are so insensitive to still insist on having things their way in a time like that?

Give her time. Maybe send a card to tell her how much you love her and are thinking of her. Don't put pressure on seeing your grandchild, that will come, this is still fresh for her. Be a calming presence by offering support in whatever way that she needs, even if that's space right now. She'll most likely come around.

What a terrible time for all of you. Of course your poor d-i-law is distraught and lashing out, I know this doesn't help you to cope with the fall-out, but it won't last forever. I'm sure in her heart of hearts she knows it was unreasonable to expect the wedding not to go ahead, but that's expressing the overwhelming nature of her grief.

Maybe you could focus on supporting your son in all this, while things are so raw? It's unlikely he will not want you to see your grand-daughter in the future, but it doesn't sound as if pushing this at the moment will do anyone much good. Can you keep up the contact with her in other ways?

I hope I’ve understood this correctly but as regards attending the wedding, you were in a no-win situation. Had you not gone, what would your daughter’s reaction have been?

Does your DiL perhaps see your going to the wedding of a sign of disapproval of the termination? Does she know that you understand and sympathise?

Sometimes, as I have found, things DON’T go without saying!

How very tragic. Sending love and sympathy to you 'dragonfly and to your family. Besides her grief I imagine your DILs hormones are all over the place.

You seem like a very understanding MIL. Sadly there's no quick fix for something as devastating as this. So best if you support your son so that he can support his wife.

Thinking of you .....

The wedding was a tricky one. When my son and Dil got married 3 years ago my daughter was in a very bad place and my DiL showed absolutely no sympathy and by not asking my daughter to be bridesmaid, although we paid for the wedding, added to her isolation at the event. However, she put on a smiley face and did the best she could. Now the boot is on the other foot my daughter although sympathetic and particularly sad that her brother and niece were not at her wedding she did not consider cancelling. The wedding was abroad and their friends had booked flights from all over the world including the grooms brother who came from Australia with his family. It wasn't my daughter by the way who put the pictures on FB but other guests. I am maintaining contact each day by text with my DiL and DS separately and telling them we will do anything to support them. To their credit my DG seems totally unaffected so they are doing a sterling job with her. I just hope as many of you say their pain will ease as will ours in time.

Thank you to you all for your kind wishes.

Poor couple to lose a baby like that. Naturally she will feel any signs of happiness is a bad reflection on her grief . Time, that's what they need time. At the moment it's all she can think of . The fact you went ahead with a wedding, reasonably so as everything was in hand , just seems to her that no one cares enough. Just be patient.

Forty years ago, I lost my second child near term. I know full well the grief and heartbreak your DIL is going through. She's not only grieving...her body is also adjusting to the loss. People often don't realize the havoc that hormones wreak afterward and how they cause varying degrees of post partum depression.

Posting the wedding pictures may have been a bit insensitive but no one in your family did anything insurmountably wrong. A wedding is a big deal and a very special event.

Her grief is coloring her judgement. What she needs is a lot of love and emotional support;a good shoulder to cry on. There are also support groups for women who lose their unborn babies through miscarriage or otherwise.

Even after all these years, I still mourn the loss of my unborn son.

Like all the others, I feel desperately sorry for you all, and agree that your DIL needs time to grieve.
However, when a baby is lost, either before or just after birth, I think we all do tend to concentrate on the mother's loss and forget the father's. Your son needs help too. Obviously you and your husband are there when your son needs you, but, please, do encourage him to speak to the professionals at SANDS. His wife is probably not ready to talk to strangers about her loss, but that should not prevent your son asking for help, coming to terms with his own loss and getting help to support his wife.
I don't think you mentioned how old your granddaughter is, but you say she is a little girl, is she old enough to know what has happened and why her mummy and daddy are so sad? If she is too small to know what has happened, then it is a very difficult situation for a little child, surrounded by grieving adults and not really knowing what is happening.
Both mothers and fathers tend to blame themselves when a child is born unhealthy or dies before or at birth, and unfortunately even in this case, where a termination probably was the best solution, I could be horribly afraid that a little child, who knew, as children usually do these days, that a little brother was expected could be going around imagining that it somehow is her fault too that everyone is unhappy. Please, do encourage your son to get in touch with SANDS a.s.a.p.

Do you have a garden, dragonfly? If so, how about planting a rose in his memory, taking a photo of it and sending with a very brief note addressed to your DiL, DS and GD.

I was just about to post about your DS's loss which he must be feeling also, but perhaps he feels unable to express his grief because he is supporting his wife. Grandtante's post says it all.

dragonfly56 maybe you should contact SANDS for advice about how to go forward with this ,I'm sorry I pointed the finger at your daughter about the FB photos but she could have asked that nothing was put on FB under the circumstances ,as wedding photographers we hear this quite often ,people dont want their pictures online until the time is right for them .As your son and his wife are mourning that would have been the best option.

I agree with the suggestions of writing to her, maybe with a card and/or flowers. It must have been hard for you to put on a happy face and hide the heartache at the wedding, and the timing couldn't have been worse, but life has to go on. Of course, your DiL is not only bereaved and feeling that she has failed and let her baby down, but she is also at the mercy of her hormones. And of course your son needs you - it was his loss (and yours) too.

Direne that is a lovely idea - I will do that ASAP.
And thank you all for your support.

I don't really understand the title " Problems with Daughter in Law". This woman and her husband are grieving for the loss of their unborn baby, a much wanted baby and sibbling. Surely this is not a problem but an innate human response to a tragedy.
Dragonfly, I'm sure this is not a personal attack on you, you have not caused her unhappiness, the great sadness they feel is because of the loss of the hopes they had invested in this new little life. Wedding or no wedding would have not eased their pain. Be kind to yourself.

judypark: Dragonfly, I'm sure this is not a personal attack on you, you have not caused her unhappiness, the great sadness they feel is because of the loss of the hopes they had invested in this new little life. Wedding or no wedding would have not eased their pain. Be kind to yourself.

Their sadness is not to you, it will get better. Maybe send some flowers round to dil?

We have a friend whose husband died just before their son married. The parents insisted the wedding went ahead so groom's mum went shopping for a funeral outfit and a wedding outfit.
A table was set out with groom's father's photo on during the service and the reception. A very difficult time overcome with grace all round.

I see someone suggested she might be helped by seeing and holding,the babies of friends. Believe me, I speak from experience, that is the last thing she would want. My daughter niscarried twins at 7 months and couldn't bear to see babies, even in prams, for a while. Over 50 years ago I miscarried my first baby at 6 months. When I got back to work every newspaper heading was about the birth of Prince Andrew..

Did the hospital do anything special as a rememberance for your DIL and son ? My daughter's friend had four miscarriages and into her fifth pregnancy was relieved to get to 14 weeks - then the poor love lost this baby too. The hospital took photographs of this little mite (I'm not sure if they were allowed to cuddle the baby) but he was named and had a mini funeral.

If that didn't happen for your S & DIL maybe there could be a little family get-together to acknowledge and mourn the baby's little life?

I know from experience - having lost a baby at 16 weeks from anencephaly - that it does take a while to get over the worst of the pain. I was pregnant with my 'rainbow baby' (my daughter) by the time the previous baby was due, but there is always a niggle of worry until the very end. I still remember my lost baby, but take comfort that I would not have had my lovely daughter without the loss.

I'm sure your DIL will become more friendly when she has had time to grieve, and I wish you well for happier times

It is an absolutely heartbreaking time for your DIL and son.So sorry.

However, do talk to your son about the importance of you all trying to maintain a happy life for their little girl in spite of everything. When they were small children, my partner's little sister died of cancer, and the parents seemed to decide it would be wrong of them ever to be happy again. They withdrew from socialising, stopped having family celebrations, and unloaded their grief and stress on to him over a number of years. This was not a recipe for family happiness.

DIL is feeling very raw now but give her time. Could you talk to her mother and ask her how best to help?

Aslemma I too speak from experience ,there is no worse feeling than walking out of a maternity unit with empty arms. I had 6 miscarriages and one baby who died at 3 and a half days old My friend brought her baby a big bouncing 4 month old to visit and I loved having him,I knew he wasn't mine but just having my arms filled helped the ache .When my last baby was born 11 weeks early and in special care the midwifes actively encouraged other mums to let us SCBU mums have a cuddle until we could hold our own babies.I guess everyone is different