Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

Good afternoon Swanny and welcome. It's so useful for us to have an Elf and Safety inspector on the premises, not that we need one. Everything is pristine in here.
I would love to spend more time with you, but I have lots to do. Tape up the bare wires on the wall sockets, empty the buckets in the outside loos, (not been emptied for weeks) seal up the holes in the kitchen walls, where the rats and mice are coming in, try and get some of the mould off the beer pumps and fridge, find Gabriel, he has escaped again, and try and get rid of the rancid smell, which is permeating the establishment I may be some time, as the sailors have arrived for some fun.

That Elf and Safety person can't see my credentials - I've just washed 'em, and they're hanging on the line out the back. I slipped on the over-polished floor and got mud on my aforementioned unmentionables, so they had to go in the tub.
I saw something small and furry going round and round in the washer - has anyone lost a tippet?

NOOOOOOOO! rushes to rescue a bedraggled Gideonj

It's like the Marie's Celeste in here tonight. Where is everyone? I hope they are not having a sneaky orgy get together without me.. Oh look, the Admiral of the fleet is over there, in uniform?, all alone. I wonder if he would like some company.. I'll need to be fast before the regulars return.

Well I have just recovered from the court case which was the result of my birthday shenanigans and I got bound over (very exiting I can tell you) to keep the peace, so I have to keep away for a few days, otherwise it's the clink for the forseeable future.
Just keep my gins stacked up behind the bar, I will be gasping by the time I make it in.
I have to tell you in less than two weeks I celebrate my 59th wedding anniversary.
All Drinks will be on me if you provide the food, pie and mash will be fine.
After last time I will make my own way there. I am leaving the old feller at home he is a bit of a party pooper,don't want any of those, it's just fun,fun,fun .

Right you lot of sailor grabbers, I have spent all day making new cocktails to impress the poor sods and to get them really drunk, all made with rum, someone make some dodgy brownies for a proper party. The cocktails are called Tschunk and Zombie which is extremely powerful. I've scraped the crap off the floor and picked the ferret poo out of the peanuts so get yourselves down here with your fellas

I haven't got a fella - anyone got a spare one I could borrow?

Marydoll has plenty Ana I'm sure she will lend you one

Thought for today. "You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on". There are more of those if you lot don't sober up. But then again, maybe you are less trouble drunk. Mine is a large bottle of dry white wine but I expect I am too sophisticated for this establishment. I once bought a bottle of Screech (rum) in Newfoundland. Should start the evening off very nicely. It was mind numbing.

Hi everyone! ( strikes a pose in the doorway, then teeters in wearing very high heels)......there's a crowd of naval ratings on the way here, maybe a bit on the young side for us though, so asked my Commander (Master and Commander....ooh err!) to come along with a couple of friends later, one just for you Ana ( apart from his wooden leg and eyepatch he is intact.)
Pour the gins, let the peanuts flow ( and throw out that bedraggled thing Gerontious, we want to look classy tonight.)
Whaddya think of my outfit?

Got any left Liaise? Bring it in! Can I opt out of the men bit tonight? I've gone right of 'em with the day I've had with mine. Can I just stay and get hammered on the Screech rum which seems very appropriate for me tonight?

What outfit?

You do realise you're wearing nothing but shocking-pink 6" heels don't you roses?...

CHEWBACCA I will be going back in September and will send a few crates by DHL. Should arrive quickly if it doesn't explode on the way. Meanwhile keep up the good work girls.

Oh, I think my tattoos say it all though Ana ....seems a shame to cover them up, particularly my new dragon.Like the shoes? if it becomes chilly later, we could bring Gulliver back in and he can drape himself around my cold bits.Although I was hoping my Commander would be doing that.

Whatever you are wearing needs ironing !!

Haha! yes, heard that one many times, but you can't help the ageing process can you?

I wasn't always as you see me now!

It's alright I can't see like I used to so u look fine to me

It'l all be a bit of a blur soon anyway!

There's many a good tune played on an old fiddle.[

Yes, you just need to find a decent fiddler!

(or indecent, depending on your bent...)

Aye! There's the rub.

How do you know that it's bent?

Rub or a fiddle? Hmmm