Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

Some suggestions

And imaginary friends can eat for free.

Oh boy! Those look fecking awful delicious Anya. Mmmmm! Can't wait for Grubby Mick to set to increase the kitchen. Just had a thought though...... I think that I, and my imaginary friend, will have already dined tomorrow night. Such a shame. The calf's balls looked yummy. boak

You will be glad to know I'm back, raring to be involved in any planned nonsense .. Try childminding a twenty month old baby, trapped in a room whilst hall, stair and landing carpet is laid. Three hours of hell! I need a very stiff drink! nothing will do.

PS. Haggis is actually quite nice, so obviously not minging enough for our lowly caff

I've mixed you a special cocktail Mary concocted just for you. It's called Getting Laid in honour of the new carpets.

Can you guess the ingredients?

I believe the haggis is sourced locally. There's a free range haggis farm not far from here I'm told.

Good grief, I'm too tired to get laid! I just want to lie in a darkened room with my special cocktail. Three weeks of painting, decorating and installing a new bathroom, is more than any childminding gran should endure.

I'm shocked Mary I was talking about the carpets getting laid

Chewy said you had a vulgar streak but I said 'no, not with a name like Mary*

I'm going to lie down in a darkened room too, my sensibilities have been sadly ruffled.

My cleaning is unappreciated, my young farmer thought I was younger than I am and has gone off with the barmaid from the Dog and Whatever down the road and the bloody beer order didn't arrive today so u lot will be cross..again, someone get me a large gin now

Odd coincidence that Marydoll strolls back in "tired and exhausted from getting laid", just as Menopaws says that her young farmer has done a runner? Think you need to be asking some questions Menopaws !
How thoughtful of Anya to concoct a new cocktail. If Marydoll doesn't want it Anya, I'll have it. It's been ages since I had anything remotely connected to laying anything. Cheers.

Told you just to use candle light Menopaws - there's a large G&T behind the bar waiting for you. I'm trying to give the place a bit of class so here's lemon and ice too.

That roses though just complained that the tonic and ice were diluting the gin - there's no pleasing some folk is there?

Oh ah! Never made that connection Chewy

Mary's sleeping off her extra-curricular actvties and she's taken the cocktail with her. I'll concoct you another House Special.

Try that..it's called a Pheasant Plucker. I

I'll have you all know, my other nickname is "Holy Mary"?By the way Chewey , hands off my cocktail!!!....or else! .

Marydoll you and me outside now (bring some gin with you) ...then we can compare notes on our farmer friend, did he show you his huge sprayer?

Does he have a waffler? I once went out with a farmer who had a lovely waffler.

No it wasn't a waffler, it was a woofler. Silly me.

Or was it a wuffler?

wanders off to ponder this

.What kind of gin? My daughter mentioned she has thirty bottles in her gin bar. I have keys to her flat. She is away this weekend, so we won't be disturbed.. Does the farmer have any friends?

I was engaged to a farmer, back in the day. Always going on about his spreader. He had very big feet. Could he be one and the same I wonder?
Don't worry about the beer delivery Menopaws , there's still a keg of that home made rye whisky in the cellar. We had to use a bit of it in the van earlier today when we ran out of diesel, but I put back what we didn't use. It'll be fine.

yes he mentioned something about a ploughing competition this weekend but after I flounced off I didn't get all the details but if we dress up all sexy and wander over to the Dog and Ferret( or whatever) I bet they will all be there sat night. Let's meet at the Argy first and see if anyone else about , maybe Anya will work out what she's talking about by then

does the farmer have any friends? Marydoll , haven't you had enough? I mean, come on! You've been out with Menopaws's farmer bloke _all day_; you turn up here, "tired and exhausted from laying" and with strange marks on your bum and you want to know if they have any friends? Sheesh! You've got some energy, I'll say that for you! insatiable would be another word.

You are just jealous Chew, just because your farmer ran over his own feet with his spreader doesn't mean the other farmers aren't worth checking out, anyway Mary will get a few hours sleep before tomo night and be ready to roll in the hay again

And get off the rye, that's saved for Ann's birthday, use the chip fat on the van next time