Malapropisms

I once heard someone say 'sympathise your watches', and unfortunately, if ever there is a group of us, and we need to check the time, I always come out with that expression, and get one or two funny looks.

Galen and Gillybob so funny i laughed really loud. Really cheered me up.

Ha ha ha !!!

I've been laughing out loud, too - thanks everyone!

This is more a language thing but I had some Russians staying in my house and they referred to my lovely 'kitchen' purring loudly They also told me that they had been to town and bought some sperm I was a bit worried where they had been it turns out they had bought packets of flower seeds to take back

My mum used to tell me how perathupic it was watching the clouds float by
'

A friend in Dundee always used to say 'Cool, calm and collective' .....

Oh dear. Here are just a few from my wee auntie;

" Best to put a Muslim nappy next to the baby's skin"
" I'd like the wallpaper to have the pattern embezzled on to it"
" It can affect your menstrusal cyclone "
And many, many more...

I always loved Victoria woods ' all colours of the speculum'.

We have deliberate ones too and I do wonder if anyone overhearing them thinks we are all a bit dim.....' don't stick your knife in the toaster you fool you'll get electroplated. We call someone with little taste a bit of a palestine instead of a philistine. Washing up liquid is called fairly liquid and our utility room is the utilitarian room.

Various ones, from various sources:

Are you going to take your description to the chemist?

We were told that the fish was so poisonous, that even if you just touched it's utensils you could die.

I wouldn't mind cycling, but I refuse to wear those Lurex shorts

It's handy having a shop nearby, even if you just need a pint of bread or a loaf of milk.

That Fino sherry is too dry, I prefer the Armadillo

When it comes to relationships, I'm a firm believer in mahogany.

"Next door's boy is going to the Second Modernry"
(MIL)

The children at school learnt about King Horrid and the Slaughter of the Innocents. Also they sang
' Who built the ark?
No one,No one

Love them Phoenix.

Our washing up liquid is hairy lip squid

I agree, gillybob as Galens post made me chuckle too
My MiL, bless her, suffered from terrible Arthuritis.

My mums next door neighbour often had to go indoors when the garden was full of 'flying midgets'

Oh Galen I can't stop laughing !

Enid Blyton used to use that word quite a bit, e.g. she had Julian frequently ejaculating, when the intended meaning was "exclaimed" !

A woman I worked with claimed she had been watching a steamy sex scene on TV, and she could see from the expression on the woman's face that she was having an 'organism.'

My sister's mum in law announced that she had been invited out to lunch by friends, so she was 'retaliating' by inviting them out the following week.

She also went on 'all exclusive' holidays.

Not malapropisms as such but DH once brought home the English version of a hotel brochure from Milan. It was full of gems like " he was attached to his modem by the seat of his trousers" or "he had a few strokes in the pool to restore his yuppy verve" 'Nuff said!

My Dad won't eat sandwiches with 'melonnaise' in them. My DM says 'they didn't have a wing or a prayer' (I think she means they didn't have a clue) and 'We went on the Tour de France' (A long trip not journey on a bike)

I once knew someone who wanted to get a little chee hooa hooa.

Chihuahua. Spanish innit!

A friend once told me that someone she knew was 'so thin, I think she's emancipated'.

On the menu in a restaurant in Kefalonia was "fried aborigines" - we concluded this was meant to be aubergines.