I am feeling very sad

I've just seen this thread PRINTMISS and hope you feel a bit happier today.

Thank you everyone for these suggestions and comfort. We cannot visit our friend we left the area and are now not able to travel that far. I agree that he may have depression, or died, but quite honestly I know the family well enough to know that they would let us all (there is a circle of friends here), know. I am bewildered and just hope that he has not declined into dementia, or has some awful illness and does not want us to know for reasons of his own.
That would be a really awful thing to happen because we were always so close and supported each other.

I have been widowed twice. My first husband died of bowel cancer, aged 44; my second husband died 2 years ago of a rare form of early-onset dementia. There is a period of time after your loss when you are just trying to get on with it and meeting old friends, who naturally have their own feelings about what has happened, is all too much! I dreaded those well-meant hugs and 'How ARE yous'! I needed a bit of space to get my act together. It was very difficult, for example, to go to my colleague's retirement do a few months ago, where everyone (my former colleagues) knew that my husband had died. Give the guy a bit of space and then, if you do manage to get back in touch, try to make sure you have your emotions under control.

Perhaps your friend feel as I do . We have old neighbours whom we lived beside 48 years ago . They have always done the keeping in touch and we have visited on some occasions over the years. Last year I decided not to send a card and got none from them but had a letter from them in the summer which I ignored. At Christmas we had a card asking if we would like to visit . Terrible of me but I just ignored it as well . They are older than us and frailer and I prefer to remember then as were all were in the past. What would have in common anyway apart from the children 48 years on . Some people just do not want to keep in touch .

PrintMiss I would suggest writing a letter to SSD saying you are an old friend and are worried about him and have not seen him for ages.

Make it quite clear to SSD that you do not want them to give you any information about his circumstances, but that if they do know where he is would they be prepared to forward him a letter from you.

That would be leaving it entirely up to the man himself to decide if he wants to see you. with the possibilty of no response to you. That could be done by 3rd party contact.

Hopefully an SSD would look at doing that confidentially and sensitively. Who knows these days?

I have done that and the woman in residential care was very pleased to have regained contact with her friend. Preventing social isolation was my "excuse" .

As his mother reached her 100s he's probably going to be an older person, 60 at youngest. Sudden events overtake people all the time.
OP I don't think you should take your friend's silence personally, it seems unlikely to be directed at you in any way.
Yesterday I had a phone call from someone with whom I'd not been in touch since the 1980s. We talked for an hour and there was no significant reason for having been out of touch, our lives had just drifted apart.

You can look up addresses on an electoral roll website to contact him or his children.

Is it possible he might have passed away and sons too upset to contact you, maybe.

A personal visit sounds a good idea, if that's possible.

We had a similar situation with an elderly uncle who suddenly disappeared. This was 20 years ago so pre-social media. I ended up writing to a next-door-neighbour - I didn't know them or their name so just addressed it to The Occupiers - to ask if they knew anything.

They wrote back very quickly to say he had gone into a home and gave us the details. Sadly, we weren't able to see him again but at least we heard when he died shortly and were able to go to the funeral to say goodbye.

You have known him a long time... I'd go round in person to see what is happening as others suggested. Take a small gift maybe as an excuse?

Sadly we are getting to the age where sudden illnesses or hospitalisations can happen quickly. My SIL was taken very ill a few years ago and the family totally went incommunicado. Her DH was so busy and stressed and DD was very upset and trying to cope with her studies. We would have contacted some of her friends she used to have coffee with, but didn't know how as they were not in our circle.

I had a friend who had to go into a home at a very young age because she had a degenerative illness and I sent cards, updates etc occasionally; I didn't expect to hear from her because I knew she would get worse and not be able to write.
However, one Christmas I phoned the home to see how she was only to be told she had died two years previously. There is no reason why her H should have contacted me as he had 'moved on' but I was upset nonetheless.

Perhaps he is depressed, perhaps he has a new lady as someone said. It is very sad - perhaps one more letter to him saying that you would really like to know how he is and that you have good memories of all that he did in the past and wishing him all the best for the future.

How old is he? Are you quite sure he hasn't met a new lady? It's very possible he's having the time of his life and is completely taken up with it!

That is very sad Printmiss. It reminds me sadly of a friend of mine too. A year ago and quite out of the blue she tried to take her own life. She survived but has been in a psyschiatric hospital since then. She was a wonderful caring person, a deeply christian person and a Macmillan nurse. She spent many years looking after terminally ill adults and children.
A mutual friend heard about this and told me but there has been no contact from the family or from the friend in spite of many cards and letters. Another personal experience makes me wonder if people so involved with caring and bereavement all their life might sometimes come to a breaking point. Or on retirement feel they no longer have a purpose. My friend is 71this year. I do hope you manage to make contact and that your friend knows you are thinking of him.

This sounds as though he has depression , my DH has suffered from this for the last 4 years , he doesn't answer the door or the telephone hasn't been on his computer in all this time , everything is a terrible effort for him, mornings are particularly bad , my advise is to go and see him , in the afternoon or evning .

If it's any help printmiss i have been on the other side of your problem and totally went into myself. Please try not to take it personally..at the time i just wanted to be in a cave to sort myself out and was incapable of accepting help or even responding to dear friends. On one level i really appreciated knowing they were thinking of me but on another i felt so panic stricken at the thought of having to interact with normal human life again i just couldn't respond. I did start to heal eventually and gradually made contact with my friends again and thank God they understood that it really wasn't anything they had done i just needed time to help myself. The love and affection we felt is unchanged and i really hope it's the same for you.

How sad for you Printmiss.
I think Elizabeth1's suggestion is a good one - you have nothing to lose and after such a long and mutually beneficial friendship you are entitled to some explanation of what has happened.

Sorry that was a bit long but it's very fresh ( yesterday)

This is interesting for me. I was away over Christmas and a neighbour with no relatives at all disappeared as if off the face of the earth. She was never on computers and I knew she had carers from a particular company but she always refused to say they were carers correcting you by saying cleaners. No trace of her when I phoned them. Another recently widowed neighbour said she had gone into a certain nursing home. No trace of her there. The hospital was really difficult so I gave up. I then tried later and just asked to be put through to the geriatric ward and someone told me that she had been discharged to another hospital and when I got through to them she had been discharged to a care home. I've yet to visit her but it took a lot of time and and to be honest determination because I felt someone should at least make sure her house was warm for when she came back or at least food in the fridge. I've done this before when she has been in hospital or housebound.
Another friend was widowed late summer and since then having been asked previously to contact her daily so her daughter would know if things were ok I have barely had a phone call or email. So PRINTMISS you are not alone

We had a friend whom we saw occasionally but when all became silent we tried to phone and write but there was no reply. He did not have a computer and had no online presence. We didn't know the son's address and suspected our friend had died and no one had let us know. He lived some distance away so eventually I contacted his local vicar and sure enough there had been a funeral.

I was going to suggest F B too. Maybe his sons are on it. Or their children? We have been contacted recently on F B by a relative we haven't seen for a very long time. On a practical note my daughter has given me a special address book to write all my friends in so that she knows who to contact should I die suddenly. D H wouldn't have much of a clue!

If he is interested in social media, it's possible that he (or his family) might have a Facebook page.

It's worth taking a look to see whether there are any updates.

Are you sure he's still around? I had a dear friend who had to go into a home and then died - I felt sure her family would contact me but with all their woes they didn't. I found out after their passing that they had been too frail for home and then died. Don't assume that their family would contact you - I didn't call all my Mums contacts when she went into a care home - I didn't know who was current and who wasn't and had too much to arrange with her house to contact people. I'd call round or check with the sons if he's OK. It maybe he just wants to move on in his life for whatever reason, but it could also be he's no longer available for Thursday dinners due to ill health or changes in circumstances, and would be pleased to have you visit in his new life.

No harm in going to see him face to face then you could perhaps gauge the situation for yourself. If he's no longer interested you could always say to yourself it was good while it lasted. That's not meant to be flippant but factual. Don't wait forever wondering and then wish you had ........ it sounds as if you've all been great support to each other and it's sad to finish a relationship without knowing why.

He's spent his life caring for other people and now he has to remake it in a different way. It's the hardest thing I have ever done and sometimes you have to just cut what existed before because that's not how your life is now. It's like a period when you are not who you were. Just keep in touch now and again with a card or email to let him know you are around still. And it can be quite hard to meet up with people who are still a happy couple!

Is it possible that he is suffering from depression and that is why he has withdrawn? He sounds as if he has given a lot of himself to other people.