Should I expect him to help?

I'm really sorry to hear about your daughter. My DiL is in a similar position with the same dreadful illness and four children. My son reacted much the same as your husband. I realised it was shock, fear and that he just wanted to block it out. Her parents let me know what was happening because they knew he was a caring loving husband and father and his behaviour was completely out of character. I hated it but I sat him down for a chat. I explained how his behaviour looked and could be interpreted and that if someone relayed that to his children without meaning to it could affect his relationship with them in the future as in "well you never did anything to help when she needed you the most" it made him change his behaviour and he thanked me and said he needed telling. I did it kindly not in a criticising way. The whole family are in complete turmoil and we're all reacting in different ways. It's easy to interpret other people's emotions in the wrong way. I think you need to have this kind of chat with your husband saying you understand his fear but you and his daughter need his support. I can understand what your going through, I am close to my DiL mother and her anguish is plain to see. My heartfelt good wishes go out to you and all your family. I hope your daughter makes a good recovery. I'm sorry if this is rambling but as you will know yourself dealing with this terrible illness is really emotional.

Leah50 Maybe he is the type that needs leading, write him a list in very simple terms of what you need him to do, sometimes they are scared of doing the wrong thing so to be on the safe side they do nothing. We are here for you to cry and rant too

Thank you all so much for your sensible advice & understanding. He at this minute is cleaning the bathroom! I did rant at him & it's worked for a little while. He's very fond of the GC but is a heavy smoker so doesn't come with me to their home very often, & smokes in our garden when they visit us. Add the fact that he doesn't like to go out,& doesn't really have friends of his own...he chooses to be deaf by the way, has discreet hearing aids he won't wear. You're quite right I've spoiled him rotten, but he's a kind, loving man who I've been married to for 50 years...not going to change now is he!

Leah50 dont let anyone make you feel bad about how spoil your husband ,its your marriage and like the rest of us we do what suits us ,I tell people we live in the 1950's ,my OH doesn't do dishes or washing/ironing or cook or clean either ,but if I say the carpets need shampooed he'll do them that night at bedtime and if I want somewhere decorated or even a wall knocked down and a room changed to open plan it will be done within 48 hours .We are all different and as long as you both are happy with your life thats all thats important.Wishing you and your family well for the difficult time you're facing,and hope your daughter's health improves and she gets better