Dd owes us over £3000

Annsixty - that's what we do as well. Currently we're helping one of our sons, (also for a car) he said at first he would pay us back when he gets a bonus at work in May, but we said see how it goes, not necessary.
It's only £500, and we're giving him monthly installments, can't afford more.
You never know , one day that generation might help us out. Our eldest and his wife are on good salaries and have helped us once (paid them back)also a sister and a brother.

We decided years ago not to make loans to our children and have made gifts to them for various items. We are certainly not wealthy but as everything will go to our children eventually they are getting money when needed. We made a substantial loan to a friend a few years back and had to wait a long time for it to be repaid (we did have to ask for it back) and we felt it affected our friendship, so would not do this again.

If your DD is having difficulties managing (as lots of young mums do) if you can afford to write the money off in the long term you would be helping her and your relationship with her and her family. Don't lend again and try to recoup the money in different ways - less money on presents / outings, et.

ps Caroline - forgot to answer your question! If I was you I would do as others have suggested, set up a repayment schedule and give it to her. Try to be non-emotive about it, maybe say you need the money yourselves now.

My father used to say " never a borrower or lender be" . I made the mistake to my cost lending my brother £70000 for 6 months 7 years ago! I think that if you do part with your money make it a gift!

The only thing with insisting on a repayment schedule is that you don't know what the young person's future circumstances are going to be.
They may not be in a position to repay as specified.
We have given, and lent to finance a course of study, but on the basis that it was paid back when they could afford it.

Caroline123, maybe you could start by saying what your plans are re retirement etc and explain that you will need the money back by October, or whenever you want to say.
Ask if instalments would be easier for her.

Suggest she pays it back at a monthly or quarterly rate. My father did this ang gave me a calendar of repayments. When I had paid a few, he started giving me back the ,knew or gave it for my children. Thought it was hard at the time but he was right. I couldn't work out how to pay it all so didn't mention it and his way made it easier for me

It's also worth mentioning that if you loan some money and there is no repayment date stated, the money is due upon demand. (Or, perhaps more politely, on 'request') We loaned a fairly large sum, documented the amounts, and were promised a repayment as quickly as possible - verbally agreed to be within the year. After three years, much fruitless discussion and promises, and clear evidence that it wasn't going to be forthcoming, even though the borrower could manage it easily, we had to resort to a solicitor. I was in knots as I assumed no payment date meant the borrower could repay when they chose, but not so - the law says money is due on demand if there is no date stated.

I have many friends who I have had the same conversation with about their children and money.
I am never going to lend money ever again. I will give it if I feel it is necessary but not lend it.
The words ' I will pay you back Mum' are cheap.

This loan needs to be sorted out as otherwise its non payment will undermine family relationships for the rest of your life.

This is how you make a claim for money:
www.gov.uk/make-court-claim-for-money/overview

However before that I think you should put in writing a request for a direct debit. You could ask in the letter what she would suggest as a suitable direct debit.

Hopefully your will have success at this stage and not have to go any further.

If you want half an hour free solicitors time it is available from most solicitor's practices and if not the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Hope you get some progress on this.

Well I suppose it comes down to what £3000 is worth. If the cost of requesting the money back is a breakdown of your relationship that's a choice. Does retrieving it mean real peace of mind. If you are expecting this repayment to represent being respected and loved that may not be the case. The other clear choice is to always say NO in the future. For me it's only gifts no loans then I have no expectations realistic or otherwise. Horrible position to be in, I do hope you are able to find a way forward that brings you peace of mind.

I am always willing to lend money to my two daughters but always expect it to be repaid and ask how long it will take them to pay back in full. Then they work out how much they afford per month and if they have extra money one month will often pay more and we both keep a record. My rule is that they can't borrow again until the first loan is paid off. Although I can actually afford to give them the money I don't think that benefits them in the end. I point out that the reason I have some extra money in my old age is because I was sensible with it when I was younger and if they behaved in the same way then they wouldn't be in the position where they had to borrow money off me!!! Recently, my daughter needed a large loan to replace her car as her old one wasn't economical to repair any longer so, as I had to take money out of an ISA, I said she had to repay the interest I lost too. As interest rates are so bad at the moment that didn't amount to that much extra. She then set up a standing order. If ground rules are set down when children are young then, hopefully, problems shouldn't arise in adulthood. I would rather they borrowed off me than pay exorbitant interest rates to a bank or worse. However, if children have been indulged all their life then disrespectful behaviour can often become the norm. Sorry, but you may need to ask yourself why she thinks she can behave in this way towards you. She could have taken out an interest free credit card. I was divorced when my children were quite young so the three of us became a tight knit family. I was always there for them e.g. picking them up from nightclubs in the middle of the night so they didn't get tempted to get in a car with a drinker driver etc. even if I had to work early the next day but they knew if I said no to something there was no point in asking again! My daughters have become my best friends too but I would never tolerate disrespect. They know I have worked hard to provide myself with savings and, hopefully, I will be able to leave them an inheritance.

Dirgni....did you really lend £70,000 without a written repayment plan? A lot to lose.

Agree entirely quizqueen. Whether or not we can afford to lend the amounts requested it isnt always the best thing to comply as this fails to teach our children to manage their own money and to do without if necessary and perhaps even save a bit at the start of the month when its easier, so they learn to live within their means.
We all had to do this as our parents were not as expected ,as we seem to be, to continue financing adult children. It Also encourages further requests, especially if they think it might not be followed up for repayment.
I despair sometimes, while we have always been and still are, careful, too many of our grown children, have no concept of the rainy day and spend what they have on things they dont really need, and then come to us for bailing out. Certainly i have given/ loaned my children in the past but will not do so in future unless proper repayment is agreed at the time.

A shame that husband and wife do not take ownership of the loan jointly and deal with it. We have had times of being short of money especially when I had young children and couldn't work. But whatever we had was shared and still is .

We have given both our daughters large sums of money toward property purchase and in DD2 1 case essential repairs .
All done legally(condition of the gifting as mortgage companies required it).
We are also lending DD 1 up to £10,000 for less essential work-decorating and furnishing-which will be paid back over 18m when she is able to let the spare room. It would never occur to us to have a legal agreement but I know DD records everything on a spreadsheet and is very anxous to be rid of the debt asap .
How different families are ...We could well afford to give her the money but I agreed you can overdo the generosity .Every penny out daughters have had so far has come from DH inheritances , but this is money her dad and I have (hard)earned and she knows that .

I think it's the disrespectful bit that is upsetting me if I'm honest,and I'd not identified it until your post.

Thankyou for the comments.
I think I will take up some of your suggestions.
I will speak to her when her husband is there so he is aware of the situation. And I'll suggest a repayment plan.
Because I'm so close to the situation I can't see clearly.
We have never fallen out over anything yet....
And I have to admit she has been indulged by us so it's partly our fault.
We never owed anything except the mortgage,it was our way of managing.I suppose I expected some of this to rub off but it hasn't,so I'm silly to assume.
But it does feel disrespectful and this is the crux of the problem really.
Thanks again for clearing my fog!

Ah ..been there, done that !! Did buy my D a car when my late father died with some money he left ..and invested some for her as well (she was then only 17 and I thought it would come in useful for Uni) ..it was not a loan, but a gift for that purpose. Some years later when she about to start at Uni I discovered on her 18th birthday she had withdrawn it all and LENT it to someone, who never repaid it and it was then left to me to get it back by repayments of 100 a mont ..but meanwhile since her Uni fund had then all gone, I paid her rent and living costs and furnished the unfurnished rented house (only stuff from Argos etc !)....then when she left Uni she went on to a different Uni to do another course for an MSc ...this cost me 3,000 again ..plus costs ! This was also a gift ....I also paid her rent. Then another car, as the one she had gave up the ghost ...this time as she was about to start a good well paid job, I said it would be a loan and she agreed ....that was almost 20 years ago and I am still waiting ! Now it has been 10 years since she spoke to me with no offer of explanation ...I have in mind it could be to do with money ..I told her at the time I cashed in an investment to pay for the second car and the fourth year at Uni ...that if she had the money then she would not have it later ! I even offered to buy a small terraced house for her but she said no thanks ..I dont want a house !...so now I have totally run out of money and could not pay for her and her then boyfriend to come out to France (they didn't want to stay with us, just to have me pay for their hotel and expenses ...which I am ashamed to admit, I had bee doing when I could afford it !)

So now we have no money left and with the exchange rate falling so badly we are now around 400 Euros a month worse off and it is a struggle ! I now wish I hadn't cashed I my investment, the only one I had, to help her out with the loan ..the gifts ok are gifts and so written off, but I could have done with a little repayment ...especially as her other granddad left her money in his Will as well ..what she did with that I cannot imagine ! My husband (second one) doesn't know about all the money she was given ...he only knows about a loan for 500 when the brakes went on one of her cars and he lent her the money ! She always used to write and say 'I will pay it back'.......?? I don#t think so ! If he knew how much I gave her he would not be happy (I have to also say though, that I put what was left into our house, various furniture, and a new car..which is now an ancient car !) ....we live and learn ! In our day, no one lent anyone anything as they didn't have it to give ...maybe I should have said the same ! You cannot even go to any small claims court unless you have a written loan agreement ..so just have to write it off and put it down to experience unfortunately ! Happy (and prosperous !) new year !

You are not doing her any favours by leaving it unmentioned. Choose a time when her other half is present then point out that you are retired and her dad is about to retire so you will need the money and ask exactly WHEN you can expect it back.

Don't just ask when, tell her when you need it back.

Quite a few years ago my DH & I lent DD & her OH £5000. On their insistance I drew up an agreement taking into account an amount of interest & agreed payment term. Agreement was signed by all 4 of us & each couple kept a copy. Repaid on time - we could have given them the money but that isn't what they wanted. We/I have given small gifts of money to buy larger items.

When I sold my last property after death of my DH, I bought DD a car (not new but better & newer than her own). We went to have a look at 3 cars in a Garage, all same make & model. We compared them & I knew she preferred the more expensive one but she would not have asked me for it, she would have settled for "second best". After quick mental calculation I stood in front of her choice & asked her if this was one she wanted - her response was "Mum can you really afford it?" Her delight was such a pleasure.

In your position I would gently confront your D & make it plain that you need that money for Retirement plans, suggest a repayment plan & date to be repayed by

It would be nice to think they'd help us out but I can't see it! They have their own children.....

Is it totally necessary to have the conversation with DD in front of her husband? It may cause a problem.

I think that the majority of parents if the money is for something important and they can afford to give it, they will do so. However, many people can't afford to hand over fairly large amounts of money and not expect at least a fair chunk of it to be repaid.

If it was clear that it was a loan - and it appears that it was since her husband has paid his share - then I think you should ask your daughter when she intends to pay it back - perhaps negotiating a schedule of payments if she can't afford to pay it all at once.

I don't think it's a good idea to mention it to her husband.