I feel a heel

I agree with the posters who have suggested a very occasional meet up for a coffee, on neutral ground - making it clear to her that it is something you can only do on an infrequent basis due to heavy demands on your time, a poorly husband etc.

She sounds very lonely, and it is a lovely gesture to extend the hand of friendship, or at least understanding, to people like this.

I completely understand your predicament though.

The soon to be ex wife of a friend of mine has latched on to me too. She is in a psychiatric hospital, in a dodgy area and the hospital is also nowhere near where I live, and I don't drive. Plus I have two jobs and no spare time. It's at least a 2.5 hour round trip.

I did visit her several times when I could find someone else who was going in the car but she has exhausted everyone and no one wants to visit her any more.

It's horrible but it's her ex who has been my friend for many years and they were only married for a few months before she was sectioned, and now she won't see him or allow anyone to mention him. He is in a bad state and was off work for a few months. They are both from a quite religious background and didn't live together before they were married. I think if they had he would have run a mile a long time ago.

I feel guilty but I just have no emotional energy left and she is a total emotional vampire.

Luckily she doesn't have my landline number and I'm afraid I now just let her calls go to voicemail and ignore texts.

Daphnebroon Please don't feel bad about offloading to real friends. I wouldn't think twice about letting genuine friends talk to me about their troubles as I know they would listen to me if I needed a friendly ear. The lady at the station that I mentioned upthread was just an acquaintance who latched onto me as we travelled on the same train every morning. Perhaps I let myself become a soft touch as I did feel sorry for her. She tried it with other passengers as well. One man resorted to hiding on the railway bridge until the train arrived!
I wish I had the courage to tell her she needed to listen as well as talk sometimes and there is no need to try and make yourself sound important all the time.
Perhaps if I bump into her in the village sometime I will go for a coffee with her as she is very lonely but I have my issues to deal with as I'm sure Lucky girl does, so can't cope with always phoning about her latest crisis.

I'm hard these days,After she's phoned,get the number and block it. Sounds hard but as previous people have said she's managed for 20 years so she'll continue. I used to be a soft touch for folk like this, they left me drained and often unable to sleep at night worrying about them.needless to say they were fine! But I was a miserable tired wreck! No more!

All I can say is, there but for the grace of God.

Your husband isn't well, so you must have pressing demands on you as a carer. You must look after yourself and your own peace of mind as a priority. Be honest and firm with this person. Don't feel guilty, that's what she's banking on. Tell her you have so many concerns at home that you can't cope with a social life. I certainly wouldn't meet up with her - I get the impression you know only too well she wouldn't accept reasonable limitations, but it would just be the thin end of the wedge. You need to save your energies for your genuine responsibilities. Good luck

I think she needs gentle steering to a volunteering group of some sort. They provide company and a sense of self-worth.

For example - my local CVS has a monthly trip out at relatively little cost. They go by mini coach, collecting people from their homes and dropping them off afterwards. They tend to go out into the countryside and try out restaurants for lunch. They are a great way to touch base with others, have something to look forward too or even to volunteer as a "helper".

Other options are community cafes and charity shops. They are often delighted to have a morning a week of extra help. I have helped people find places to volunteer in the past and know how much better people feel when they have a purpose.

Not sure the best way to approach it though. May need to give this some thought!

We lived in married quarters at one time before OH left the RAF. We had a neighbour who asked me in for coffee and I never gave it a second thought, after that she used to 'come round for a coffee' and stayed all day! She came just after OH left the house and left just before he came home for tea. Impossible to get rid of, no matter how hard I tried to get her to leave she made some excuse ie I have to feed the baby - ok I don't mind I will just wait. or I have to cook the dinner - ok I will just watch, or I have to go shopping, - I will come with you. She drove me mad. It was like having a limpet for a friend. I had to pretend to be out sometimes. OH used to make sarcastic remarks but she still did not take the hint.

I had this experience years ago with my daughter's friend's mum. She lived nearby and called at my door constantly. At the time hubby was working away during the week and came home Friday afternoons. Who would be sitting in our house every Friday afternoon, you've guessed it, this woman. She would then leave something behind, like a pair of gloves. This was her excuse to come back and get them. I would send my daughter to return her things to stop this happening. Another neighbour had visitors from Australia. This woman knocked her door as soon as she saw them arrive. When they didn't respond she pressed her nose against their window and looked in!! It turned out she had MS and it affected her brain. Sad really, but very hard for me to deal with.

Daphne you must have very skinny friends ! Friends are there for both the good and bad times and I am sure they are always happy to see you and I'm sure you would do the same for them if the need arose.

Absolutely Lucky I hope it all works out well.

Luckygirl I understand your dilemma, as no one wants to hurt someone so vulnerable. An awful thing might be that if she is getting any sort of mental health support, they will be pushing/guiding her to make friends, contact people.

I don't know if this would help - making it clear would mean she is free to make friends with others, giving her time when you cant be a friend, just keeps her hanging onto you.

Be up front.

Thank you again for all the ideas. I will have these up my sleeve when she next rings. I do feel very guilty about keeping her at a distance, but I also need to balance that with self-preservation.

I can totally understand where your OH is coming from Grannytwo as I have family who totally drain me but think they are visiting as an errand of mercy and helping but in reality it is the opposite. I don't think I could ever do the cutting off though as they are indeed family and they do mean well.

Lucky You clearly have a great understanding of this lady's needs but also know that you cannot be her main friend because of your own circumstances. I think you just need to tell her that and also that your own plate is pretty full.
I understand how you feel but if you can keep the whole relationship really well under control and a monthly meeting on neutral ground maybe that is the best way forward. Limit the number of meetings and be very consistent and that way you don't feel unkind and she doesn't feel you don't care at all.

We are moving in a couple of weeks to a different part of the country. My OH is insisting that I do not tell any member of his family, brother, cousins our new address. I don't know why, he just says they always want something.
We have had no contact with his brother for about 10 years again I don't know why, but his cousin I see every few months for a coffee.
I find this very difficult but feel I have to follow his wishes.

I would be very wary of letting this lady back into your life particularly as your OH is ill. I found it convenient when my DH was suffering from bad bouts of depression to use him as an "excuse" to not do things.

I had a friend like that who would ring me in the evening (we both worked), she could be on the phone for hours but we had been friends for a long time

Wishing you luck in sorting this out, only you know what is the best course of action, some good suggestions as usual

if it was me, I would tell her how my OH is and at the moment he is your priority but as has been said before tell her a month to contact you and arrange for coffee somewhere. Then tell her when you can meet again. Is there anything you could get her to join, say the WI and maybe go with her the first and second time. Hopedfully she will find some company

Definitely say your husband is ill and you re not having visitors to the house. Maybe you could say lets meet the first Tuesday of every month at a suitable venue. Give clear boundaries and she ll know where she stands?

Just say I am sorry I have other things I must be doing and leave it at that. Yes it is sad that she doesn't seem to have much of a life but she managed for 20 years without you. Not all friendships are a good fit over time. Why would you be a heel to put yourself and your family first?

As long as you are not cruel it is reasonable to say no and mean it.

Eleanor Rugby anya? The well known Liverpudlian prop forward??

Daphnebroon, I think you are v funny and would not hide behind lamp-post. Would not be much use anyway given size of my hips!

Lucky If I've understood correctly, this lady has managed without your shoulder for the twenty years that you were out of her area? How did she manage without you? Did she latch on to someone else?

This may sound harsh, but I do speak from experience here! I was the twenty-five year shoulder for someone who phoned practically every day and would talk/moan for an hour or two. This was before cordless phones or caller id. I would probably have answered anyway because I would have felt so guilty if anything had happened to said person. That's what traps you, the feelings of guilt!!

When my circumstances changed (ill health) and I was no longer 'on tap', she immediately filled the gap that I left with someone else. So, what I am saying is, don't feel bad about putting her off, she will, in all probability ,find someone else. Unfortunate for them, but it would be their decision whether, or not, to become involved.

Hope you manage to resolve this without feeling bad about it. My conscience pricked me for ages until I discovered that I'd been replaced!

Oddly enough I an not a Christian, more a devout atheist, but I do find some of these posts just a touch sad. Yes, I can understand why people feel like this, but put yourself in their position for a moment.

I'm not virtue signalling (I hope) because I do find these people tedious and hard work, but there are too many Eleanor Rugby's out there!