Husband's chemo and me

I don't have any advice but I want to say you have my admiration. It must be so very hard as you watch your husbands/ partners go through and deal with this terrible illness. You also have your own emotions that you havee to control while dealing with your own feelings of fear and heartbreak. It's just so terrible.

My thoughts are with you all who have cancer or partners of a sufferer. I went through chemo about 18 months ago. I had no partner as I live alone, just good friends and F2f,mother and gorgeous Dgd helped me by visits and company. I would not have anyone help me. That's how I dealt with it. I cannot imagine what it must be like for partners of cancer victims. My Dh died of heart problems so he did not suffer. God bless you all x

It is indescribably hard being the partner of someone who is so ill. Good luck on this difficult journey.

I am watching my OH gradually deteriorate with PD and it is difficult to witness his distress with his symptoms, so I have a small inkling of what you are going through. It is very isolating being the partner as you are torn between wanting support yourself, but also wanting to maintain your OH's dignity. If I were to tell others some of the things that happen in response to the illness and the treatments I am sure they would not believe me. I do not want the family to have all these worries too.

Thanks all, really interesting comments, nemosmum thanks for your honesty. I work with dementia so see a lot of partners losing their soulmates. I am positive and realistic and I count my blessings and I have a lot tbh. The best piece of advice I received at the beginning of this was to draw a little box for every aspect of my life, say job, money, health, children, relationship etc and put a tick in all the boxes that were good and a cross in the bad boxes. It made me realise just how damn lucky I am as I had ticks in all except the health one and I always think of this if glum, not only that but we both work together and it takes literally four minutes to get to the royal Marsden for all the appts, now that is the cherry on our cake cos so many have a terrible time getting to their treatments so I Promise you all I am lucky and I know it every day. All your comments really lifted me and I thank you as I was just sad the day I started this thread and I'm not now! X

Been there twice. First DH had bowel cancer, died aged 44, chemo was palliative only and didn't work anyway, but that was over 20 years ago. I had 2 mid-teen daughters at the time, and it was a very lonely situation. Second DH developed early onset dementia 3 years after we got together, and then, in 2008, an emergency resection for bowel cancer, followed by 8 cycles of chemo. It was practically difficult dealing with chemo whilst DH had moderate dementia. It was, however, successful, and he made the 5 year survival, only to die last year of his dementia. Please don't think I'm unsympathetic, but there really is nothing lonelier than being the partner of someone with dementia! Cancer might kill a person, but it doesn't steal their core being like a thief in the night! With just about 2 decades of experience of this, I'd have to say, value the good things of the life you've got and don't dwell too much on the future. Every good wish for your journey.

Alima - so very sorry to hear about your husband but the fact that he is being given treatment is a positive sign. I sincerely hope you have lots more time together.

Perhaps when you feel grim, try to 'project forward' and think about when the treatment is over and he is feeling better. This was advice for any situation that causes panic or stress; see yourself the other side of this situation when it is resolved, and see it as a good result and imagine yourself feeling happy and content at the outcome.

Good luck to you both - it's just as hard to watch and wait and often feel so helpless. xx

Menopaws so sorry to hear of your difficulties, it can very often be more difficult being the 'supporting cast' as you can feel pretty helpless. to you and everyone going through tough times.
When we go through these things it makes us realise how often we go through life just not really appreciating all the good things we take for granted. Things like just having each other, family, a beautiful day, sunshine, flowers, lovely birds visiting the bird table etc. etc.
DH and I have been through some pretty tough times so nowadays we make sure that we tell each other whatever we are thinking or feeling. I don't want to ever have to cope without him and he says the same about me but I expect that whatever happens we will manage, whatever comes and whichever one of us is left behind.
It is not selfish to have some 'me' time either because it ensures that you get 'recharged' and you really do need 'R&R' to be able to support your DH.

My husband didn't have cancer but was suddenly very ill and in intensive care. Once he improved he had heart surgery just after my dad died.it was a horrible time.Looking back I think what got to me was having no control over how our lives were going.
He's been ill again since that time and I coped better,deciding that it would be what it was and No amount of worrying would make it any better,and tried to see it a morning or afternoon at a time,go to bed and be thankful for any small good bits.
I wish you the very best and try to get a bit of ' me' time,10 minutes helps!

It is a lonely place, particularly when you're on your own with thoughts of the future. Like Deedaa my husband has had 2 stem cell transplants and regular chemo, we've been living with cancer since 2004, throw dialysis, tia mini stroke, heart problems and bouts of pnuemonia into the mix and I really don't know how we get by. Cancelled holidays, time off work, tiredness etc. My stress levels are unbelievable. You really do get to know your friends, the real friends. Not the silly relatives who only call to moan that you didn't get in touch personally everytime he's poorly and "would help" but live too far away and don't realise it's a 2 way Street, even our children can't/don't want to see what's actually happening and make excuses. Out of sight out of mind? I've tried our local cancer help centre but it's not for me (or him) so we get on getting on planning trips and things to do in clear spells. Wouldn't wish it on anyone, it's tough and no disguising the fact. We're both in our 50's and not ready to give up on life and all it has to offer. So today I'm insisting we go for a walk in the woods or on the beach. It's half term so I'm on holiday and am happy to be at home.

I do so feel for you. I am in the same position. My DH has pancreatic cancer, has had several cycles of chemo and now is having 28 consecutive days of radiotherapy. We have a 2 hour round trip to access this. He has had side effects but nowhere near as bad as the list they frighten you with in the beginning.

We don't know what the future holds and take each week at a time.
I am cheerful by nature so hold him up to some extent but sometimes find it difficult to hold myself up. I have found the forum on the pancreatic cancer website very supportive. Perhaps there is a similar forum for your DH's cancer?

I think cancer puts everyone in a very lonely place. The patient who finds that no one a wants to talk about it, and the carer who I think must find life very difficult watching the loved one go through the treatment feeling helpless but only able to give support.
This is my second time around and I am on palliative care - no hope of a cure, and I know he is finding this very hard to accept.

Not cancer for me but post heart attack and emergency surgery for my DH, he also has PAD. I thought I was coping well until things started to become difficult in other areas of our life too, now I am struggling. It would help if he would take some responsibility for himself but he is expecting life to return to normal (it won't) and for each Dr he sees to have some cure (they don't). He won't change his lifestyle unless I am on his back, ignores what advice he doesn't want to hear and just seems to be waiting for a miracle. I feel that if he would only accept the limitations he now has then we could move forward (when all the post heart episode classes, check ups and counselling calm down of course). What a whinger I am, at least I still have him which is a big positive!

So many brave messages of hope and resolve here. to you all.

Menopaws, and everyone else, my heart goes out to you all. Cancer is SUCH a swine. My DH had an operation for prostate cancer six years ago and for five years he was clear, but last Christmas his PSA count started to rise and a year later we have to have a test every three months which of course hangs like a cloud. Not quite sure what the future holds, but if/when it gets to a certain point radiotherapy has been mentioned along with its accompanying side effects.
Good luck and courage to everyone afflicted with this vile condition.

Falconbird, it is truly uplifting to hear how your son got through his treatment and surgery. Wishing for his continued good health.

My son who was only 44 at the time had bowel cancer and had an extensive course of Chemo and radiation therapy following a 12 hour operation. He was very brave indeed and I'm so proud of him. The chemo was hard but he didn't lose any hair and amazingly kept going to work. I think youth was on his side and he is now in remission.

Courage to all enduring this nightmare and all good wishes.

My husband is stuggling with cancer, the second time after being clear for a year. Unfortunately, it's the type of cancer that does not respond to chemo or radiotherapy, only surgery. He is going through a tough time and also there is the likelihood is that it will reappear at any time. I have also had spinal surgery recently, so both of us are finding things difficult. He is depressed, but I try and stay positive for him. That's all we can do.

It's been a while since I've had to think about this. I do remember feeling invisible and lonely when I was the other half of chemo. I didn't find Macmillan helpful at all but Sue Ryder were very good.
We - yup me too- ate things that were very bland. Porridge, custard, mashed potato (made with butter and cream!) apple pie for some reason..........

Over the last six years DH has had two different lots of chemo and a stem cell transplant. At the moment he is sunk in depression because it looks as if he will have to go back on chemo (We know he will have to at some point but it's still a bit of a bummer when it happens) My main problem is his constant refusal to go to the GP and his attempts to get out of seeing the consultant. I would rather nip problems in the bud and not end up with emergency trips to hospital because he's ignored something for too long!
I find the biggest problem is the effect on his appetite. It's very difficult to find food he fancies and lots of things don't taste right now.

Menopaws and Alima my heart goes out to you both. There is a tendency for all the sympathy and support to go to the cancer sufferer, quite rightly. But the loved ones of that person, especially a long term partner, are also suffering emotionally. I'm sure that people will be along in this forum to provide helpful advice. My contribution is to suggest contacting your local Macmillan centre. They have lots of resources for help and support, including leaflets. In our local centre there are volunteers who are there just to listen over a cup of tea or coffee. There are also counsellors to provide more in depth support to patients and their family.

And we are here too. You don't know us in person but it is a good place to say how you feel. Most posters will be very supportive in any way they can.

to everyone affected by cancer.

I know my oh worried a lot more than me when I was having chemo . I wasn't particularly well I was wrapped up in cancer bubble just getting on with it as best I could but I so grateful to my oh who gave me so much support I think he felt he was on sidelines a lot . Take care of yourself I am glad to hear he is coping well with his treatment ?

Having been in your situation, I can only say how my heart goes out to you and your DH, and wish you both courage to face this unwelcome part of your lives.

I think that what my mil used to say was"they also serve who only stand and wait"

Oh thank you Alima, kitty and print Miss, such quick and lovely responses! This is his second three month course if that makes sense and also no harsh side effects and he is incredibly fit and focussed and takes it all in stride, it's not taboo but he's never been one for emotions to start with or small talk. I'm finding it all a bit lonely and the thoughts of the future never stop ( he is also palliative), I'm not afraid of being alone or managing stuff but I don't want to be (married 30 years 3 grown up kids) and I would like our time now to be precious but I feel locked out, anyway thanks again guys, it took me a while to ask as like to cope alone and not be a cancer bore x