Disgusted at daughter's cold heartedness.

Been there. All three of my children decided to go and live with Daddy when he reappeared after a 13 year absence and a change of country. He is rich and they lack for nothing except work, which they shun as being unnecessary due to the life they lead. I hasten to add that they were NOT brought up by me to behave like this!

The children no longer speak to me and have not for 4 years; they tell everybody I am dead.

Last year I was at deaths door, quite literally, and the surgeons/doctors asked my BFF to text/phone them to say thay their mother was unlikely to survive. She did so, there was no answer, so she put the same request on their facebook pages...still nothing.

Cold hearted daughter? Think yourself lucky - I've got three of them.

Path20 the fact that your friend's children have turned out to be lovely, settled adults and good parents themselves should be enough for her. Maybe they are trying extra hard in their own lives because of what happened to them earlier on. Sadly your friend may have to content herself with these thoughts.
I think it's difficult to comment on the situation or get involved when you aren't in position of the full facts. My DH is in a similar situation with his mother at the moment, and although people may say "she is his MOTHER" no one stops to say it the other way round "he was/is her CHILD" purely because they weren't around when all the hurting started.

When my husband died my grown up sons and dils became very cold and distant. If I say I'm a bit lonely or not feeling well, they blank me.

At the funeral I heard one dil say to the other one. Falconbird is still only 65 and will have to learn to be independent.

I certainly have become independent, handling my money well and moving house twice.

What I miss is warmth, just that. I guess my sons are grieving for their dad and don't know how to cope but my dils are very cold fish.

I make the best of what I have. At least they all live relatively close and I have 3 gorgeous grandchildren.

I make do as best I can.

I went through bad breakup..I ended up with PTSD and genuinely though all lies told about me would be believed that I would lose the love of my kids due to who he was. He had another woman..my BF at the time. Yet I fired no arrows stayed silent and my lot all still contact/ visit and I have good relationship..not great but good with all of them. He has token contact. I support them all,their lives, theirs to lead, their choices to make. I don't criticise their lives or choices and I show them i love them. I know I can do no more. One of mine has financialy drained me due to drugs and other issues and Ive now said no more. But I still love him and talk to him.
My brothers never visited our mum and dad or contacted not even when we needed them.
Families all different, my sisters 4 are all very close to her, they have strong family unit which I wish my lot would emulate..but you have to accept what you have and work at it.

Monitor: The question you ask is one I have been asking myself for a long time.What happened to a loving, happy relationship after ten years? I don't know.
The children have always been lovely and well brought up.Their dad has always been there for them and you can't take that away. The daughter is a lovely girl even though I am so upset and angry and call her names. I have always liked her and she is a brilliant mother to her children. The boy is also lovely and had a good relationship with his mother.
BUT..at this moment in time I have to be there for my friend. I never believed this would happen. As others have said, it's time to move on. I hope and pray one day all will be well again.

I know someone in a similar situation the children are now adults and they say when asked about contact with there mother " she decided to leave us and wasn't there for us so why should we be expected to be there for her in her old age". I think the hurt goes very deep.

I have a friend who split with his wife and did not see his only daughter for over 20 years. He and his daughter are now reacquainted. she is married with children, so he now has grandchildren too. So never give up hope, it can sometimes happen!

Path20,

You say that your friend left her husband when her children were in their late teens. In a later post, you say that your friend had a good relationship with her children for the first ten years. What happened after that first ten years that meant she no longer had a good relationship with her children? What you're saying actually suggests that your friend didn't have a good relationship with her children many years before she left her husband.

Path20, I can understand that you are worried about your friend, but as some have already mentioned, you are not in full possession of the facts.

By what you've said, there have been ongoing problems for many years. This situation didn't arise over night, and just because your friend is lovely to you, doesn't mean that she's treated both her children in the same way. Sometimes, people only let you see what they want you to see. You really don't know what actually happened. Your friend may have been awful to her children, and might still be, given half a chance. I'm not saying that's the case, but you just don't know.

You say that the children only stayed with their father because he has money. You don't know that for certain, and they may have stayed for other reasons.

The fact that the son hasn't had contact for 6 years, and the daughter is only having minimal contact suggests that your friend may not have behaved in the way she should have done. It actually sounds as if the daughter is trying to maintain some kind of contact with your friend (albeit minimal), but is finding it difficult and doesn't want to get too close. If you interfere, or the daughter finds out that you are calling her names such as 'selfish brat', it could end the relationship completely.

In regards to the phone call, you don't know what was said. Also, you say:

'She just told her what a wonderful day out she had just had and to text if she needed anything.'

Why didn't your friend text if she needed something? She has chosen not to text her daughter to tell her what she wants, and then complains when she doesn't get what she wants, e.g. a visit.

It sounds as if your friend isn't being entirely truthful, or how she remembers things might not be as others remember them. I think it's best that you tread carefully in regards to this situation, and not let your obvious care and concern for your friend cloud your judgement. These things are rarely straightforward.

i have a grown up daughter she live with her partner and child .they live some distant.away we have helped.them out out on many occasion. i will agree her. partner his very controlling and we may not like .him but for.our .grandaughter we try to keep our opinions to ourself, and they have accused us off every thing and you have to learn to arm yourself because you have been hurt so many times with there cruelty. we wish to see our grandaughter to its like an axe hanging over your head.blackmail.it is. so what ever happen children no how to be cruel to parents

Sounds sad ? if you've known the family for 30 years are you able to approach the children? Or even the ex in a hope he'll speak to them? My siblings hadn't spoken to our dad for years but did show up at the hospice before he died. Mainly because our mum, they'd been divorced for years by then, called them & suggested they may regret it. They came for themselves not for him. Good luck

Only the people involved actually know the full facts as you never get both sides of their truth. Stay out of it and just be a good friend.

Sorry "over" not Iver!

Path / MargaretX - although we do not know the intricacies of this family relationship. I always believed that I had been a good mum to my two children, not perfect, just as good as one can be. When my husband left after 18 years of marriage after numerous affairs, his depression and committing fraud which he got away with. I still continued to love and support my children like any mum through university, their world travels etc. My son however, married a girl who I can only describe as having a 'skewed' or paranoid character due to smoking cannabis. When DS was diagnosed with cancer, I was heartbroken for him and wanted to support him, instead due to the nature of her problem, she said some dreadful things about my DD who has never been anything but kind to her and they cut off all contact with us. I have not seen or hear from them for Iver 4 years now, despite efforts to find them. I feel as though I'm grieving as I know I will never understand or see them again. Your friend like me, can only hope That they may come round eventually or resign herself to living without them.

jinglbellsfrocks I am not able to visit my parents now because I am not well enough to travel, but even if I were I would not visit my father in hospital. I have not spoken to him for over 40 years. The fact that he is my father is an accident of birth. I don't wish him harm but I would feel more upset if one of my neighbours (who I only have a nodding and smiling in the hallway and exchanging Christmas cards relationship with) was dying.
Some relationships are toxic and are best avoided.

I know of several people who have suffered similar estrangements to your friend and whilst one or two are due to poor parenting in their adult children's earlier lives, the others are due to a chronic sense of entitlement that their adult children have towards their mothers.
One family member suffering from this type of alienation has been a wonderful mother to her three children; two of them recognise that while the other has gone non contact. It appears she is angry with her mother for being a single parent for most of her life, not being able to give the daughter a private education, not living in an expensive area in an equally expensive house...you get the drift? And so, daughter refuse to have anything to do with her 'loser' mother who has worked full time, bought a modest terraced house when they were young and loved them all equally.
So so sad.

We choose our friends but we don't choose our relations more's the pity. Me auld granny used to say "Wipe your mouth and move on" and sometimes that's the best solution. I have experience of estranged relatives and in the end, after making all the effort I can to redress the situation which hasn't worked, I say to myself "So what" and I wipe my mouth and move on and so should your friend. Not an easy thing to do but in the end she'll be a better and happier person for it.

Thank you very much for all for your views. Yes, it is difficult to comment on a situation where the true facts are so vague. It is true that I really only know one side of the story.
I have been so upset as I have known my friend, her husband and children for thirty years and it is hard to accept that they could do this.

Whilst I agree with your statement Nelliemoster The fact that the original poster posted and even asks a question at the end means she wants replies So if no one offers an opinion or even offers possible solutions the post would be ignored

The original poster was talking about a third person and really there is no background at all so any answers have to be fairly vague in my opinion

We know very little about what has gone on in this family and this is a general statement I am making.

I really do feel that we should not judge if we don't know what sort of relationship and issues the OP has had in her life or what her children have been like towards her.

There are toxic parents around.

My friend's children wanted to stay with their father.He was the sugar daddy.

Some people would rather just walk away for a quiet life.

Jingle - some mothers are really awful to their children or perhaps to one of their children, spoiling the others. A lot of hate can build up which means that just saying its your MOTHER just leaves the child cold.

I had a friend who was a district nurse and she maintained that good parents always had visits from their children and that if the children stayed away there was usually a reason for it.

Gosh how sad. Blame doesn't help at this stage. A lesson to us all. Relationships have to be nurtured. I'm glad she has a good friend in you.

I know a few people whose mothers left when they were 17/18 because they were "grown", having stayed until then because they didn't want to leave when they were "children"

That hurt never ever goes away, 17/18/19 year olds are still kids who need their parents.. and whilst of course parents can still parent well after separation, there's something about leaving at that age that says "you're raised now, so I can do what I want my parenting is done" that makes it so much worse

IMO it's much easier when parents split when children are young (as mine did). Those who "ride it out" until the kids are technically adults end up living a lie and making the kids home life a lie…

The daughter may not in fact be heartless, she might drop EVERYTHING for other people in a similar situation.