Do I have to go?

Thank her profusely and maybe give her some cash "to have one on me" and tell her that your sure she and her mates will have a great time and an even better one if she doesn't have to keep checking if future MiL is ok.

Can't you speak discretely to your son and explain that although you are honoured that his finance invited you, it's a bit too expensive for your budget.say that you would like to decline but don't want to make the bride feel awkward so will say that you can't make it. Surely he would understand?

Good advice Nina

And Jen

Do you know if her mum or anyone else of similar age is going? If they aren't you can just say you'll leave it to the youngsters and as Nina says offer to buy a round. Could be she feels obliged to ask you?

Her mum is going. And an aunt. We don't really have much in common so I suppose I'm also wary of being stuck with them the whole night. Though that's not the main reason.
My son would 100% go straight to his fiancee unfortunately - he's very much into the no secrets between us thing. Thanks nina - you've worded that very nicely. That might work. Am surprised and also quite touched she asked. I suppose I could afford it at a stretch but it would be a stretch and I'm not sure it'd mean that much to her to make it worthwhile. Did you go to your dils' dos?

What nina said. I was invited to DD2'S hen do on the understanding that I refused AND told her future mum in law that I wasn't going in the hope she would take the hint.

I did what nina said when I was asked and it was Ok no-one minded.

DD1 had 2 hen nights, one was at a local restaurant for the oldies and then the youngsters did the wilder one. Kept everyone happy and didn't break the bank.

Hmm. Difficult. I did go to my DD's do with some trepidation and it turned out quite well but I don't think you should feel obliged to go as it sounds quite costly. As others have suggested, I'd give her the money for a round of drinks and opt out, especially as it doesn't sound like you get on particularly well with the other oldies.

I was invited to my DIL's hen do and accepted, although I didn't go to any of DDs' because they involved travelling abroad for at least 3 days. I knew I wouldn't have been able to hack that! And I think I was expected to refuse!!

DIL had a picnic on Hampstead Heath with her friends, mum, auntie, my DD3 and her baby who wore an 'honerary chick' tee shirt. It was lovely. Later we went to a Bollywood dance class (DIL is half Indian) which was the best fun. After that, her mum, auntie and I withdrew and let the young ones party on at the local pub. Everyone enjoyed the day, it didn't cost a lot and DIL was happy.

Honestly, if you don't want to go, just say it isn't your sort of thing and, as others have suggested, donate some money for a round of drinks.

I think Nina gives good advice......
I was invited to my d-i-l's hen-do (now an ex-d-i-l) it was in London, theatre, a show, an overnight and lots of fizz..... My DD and I shared a room (made a small saving there) but the rest just had to be swallowed up with a big smile. To be fair we had a great time (even though she is now an ex) and I still have very fond memories of the event

Another here who agrees with nina. It wouldn't really be my thing either. I was prevented from going to my DD's meal in London by having a broken ankle, so I ordered some flowers to be delivered to her table. The drinks offer is a good idea and just be honest with your son about your reservations. The drinks gesture, I'm sure, will be gracefully accepted and save you a lot of expense.

Another shout for nina here.
My daughter had a do in our nearest city, 12 miles away. It started about 2, I was invited with two of my closest friends who have been involved since daughter was a baby. Mil was also invited. We four stayed until about 6 when the gang of, by them slightly squiffy, young women went off for a meal and onwards to party on. We thanked them, lots of hugs and cuddles all round and off we went home.
It's so kind to invite us but honestly, playing out from 2 - 2 am isn't for me (any more)

Ninathenana's idea is really good!

I went to DD's and DIL's hen nights
DD's future MIL was invited too and MIL took a couple of her own friends too! I get on well with DD's friends but went home after the meal and left the younger ones to it.
DIL's was at a local restaurant and her mum was there, of course, and another lady our age who is a friend of DIL through work.

Both were great fun, but not that expensive(why are some of them so extravagant these days?).

Agree, it's fine to opt out. One DDIL didn't invite me (or her Mum), the other had a daytime get together and an evening 'do', I and some others opted out of the evening and not a soul objected. DS understood his Mum isn't a party animal. Be brave and say where you are at. nina's suggestion is excellent, hard to object to that.

I went to DD's hen night but just did the restaurant meal and one nightclub then my sister and I went to a wine bar and then went home. I did not go to DIL's hen party but she did arrange a dinner for the mothers and aunts.
I do think that they go overboard with the celebrations and it becomes very expensive.

My daughter in law had a very lovely girlie 'do' for her friends and I was not invited - happily so. I organised my daughter's hen party - a visit to a winery with lunch and a wine-tasting session, which was suitable for all ages and included invitations for all the females in the family. The cost was less than £50 including a coach to collect us and take us home again afterwards.

Its gone mad. One poor (and I mean poor) DD had 32 hen invites in one year. Actually that made it easier to say No to nearly all of them. The expense is ludicrous, and that is before the wedding, wedding present etc. All 3 DDs have arranged hen parties for each other and friends (no mothers or in-laws expected) - all in the UK and all great fun. They rent a large house - out of season this is NOT expensive when shared between 20 or so - they all bring food and drink or get a delivery from on line supermarkets and have a great time, walking on beaches, etc and getting to know all the bride's friends so that at the wedding itself they already know each other. One DD did a bollywood dance lesson too - Judthepud2 - as the bride was marrying an Indian doctor - great fun on the lawn watched by a herd of cows!!!

Be up front and thank your DIL for the invite and tell her your sorry but you cant go because you cant afford it.

Just say that it's nice to be asked, but no thanks. Maybe a contribution to the kitty and "have a drink on me".

I would only go if there was another oldie who I knew to be as buddy buddy as me. I wasn't invited to DD's but we had a special meet up for lunch with just the 2 of us. That would be an alternative, and you could treat her.

I would go especially as the other mother is going - unless they were planning to do some crazy activity e.g. male strippers and a pub-crawl, which from what you say is not the case.

If you really can't afford it that's a different matter.

Relationships with DILs are so often of the treading eggshells ilk, that any offer of inclusion must be handled so carefully if you want a lifetime good relationship afterwards. If her mum is going, then I really would think seriously whether a refusal might come back to bite you. But if you get on really well, then asking if you could host a separate lunch for her, her mum and her aunt, so you could wish her well without cramping her style might be one way out. Or a frank 'I am thrilled you invited me, and will always remember that I was included, but would you like to let your hair down without me on this occasion?' I think the offer to help out with costs is a splendid idea!