Escape

I liked the idea of a caravan to escape to. Somewhere close ish that I could drive to. Even if my partner journal Ned me, it would still be a change of scenery and might stop him moaning! What I don't know is how much it would cost to have a sited caravan, say in Cromer? How much would the ground rent etc be?

Sometimes feeling like that is a sign that you are ready to make a change in your life. I agree about Buddhism. Meditation and mindfulness come from that tradition and they are good for us all, but if you are feeling low and struggling with a sense of uncertainty and direction, counselling or psychological therapy may well be one of the best things for you. You can access both via your GP.

Like some other posters, I uprooted my life and turned it up-side-down when I was a few months off my 49th birthday. My marriage of 29 was never really fulfilling. In the last 8 years or so, we had settled into a friendly peace, but one day on holiday, I looked-up from my book, looked at my then husband sunbathing and thought "no, I'm not doing this anymore". It was as sudden and dramatic as that. I waited until we got home, then told the marriage was over. The process of the divorce was hideous, but it was the best decision I ever made.

Good luck ????

Please be aware that Samaritans offers a listening ear at any time of day or night, without giving advice, to anyone who rings, emails or calls in to a local centre (hours may vary) People talk about what's really preoccupying them, and can be completely anonymous. I have been a caller and a volunteer, just Google for up to date website and contact details.....

The coast of West Wales, Pembrokeshire
is my "special place". The Pembrokeshire National Park has 180 miles of coastel path to walk or to just sit and "Be".
I can recommend that area for some uplifting of spirit. September is a good time for sunsets too. JUST GO AND DISCOVER IT FOR YOURSELF.

And here:
www.francealzheimer.org/

Violette - try contacting this organisation:
www.alz.org/fr/dementia-alzheimers-france.asp
I don't know anything about them but they might be ably to direct you to some kind of help.

Violette - it sounds as if you're in an intolerable situation, I didn't realise it was so bad.
You must put your own physical and mental health first for a change.
I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you can afford it, can't you rent a small gite nearby for short periods of respite. Your husband will surely survive on his own for a short time, and you can act like a part-time carer.

Violette I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time and unfortunately feel it's only going to get worse for you. Those people who say you're lucky to still have him are unlikely to have experienced caring 24/7 for someone with dementia and/or a personality disorder. Do you have anyone you can call on to support you? Have you contacted the Alzheimer's Society who deal with all types of dementia or the International organization ? The burden of stress on carers is so often overlooked.

Interesting post ! In my case, I did live on my own for some 14 years after my divorce so that I could bring up my daughter, whilst working full time. When she left for Uni, I was still working full time in the NHS, but with an aim to go and live in Spain. I had planned to learn Spanish, go on hols to different places in Spain, save for my retirement (I was 54 then !) but then I met some who lived in Menorca. For the five years we lived there life was wonderful ! but then as he aged (15 years older than me) the heat got too much for him and we moved firstly to Brittany, then to Aquitaine where we are now. Unfortunately, health problems for both he and I mean we have to stay here now ....he has debut vasculaire dementia, failing eyesight and two mini strokes. He gets angry and frustrated now he is not allowed to drive, and doc tells him not to climb trees or use his beloved power tools (he still does, which worries me but he does not listen to anyone. Today it is 35 plus degrees. He refuses to go for a dip in the little spa we have ...he refuses to drink water ..preferring beer, which he is not supposed to have. Everything that happens to him is my fault and he makes no secret of that fact ....so much so that it is difficult to be in the same room ...I do try, as I feel guilty always being in my 'office' or outside in the spa ....I look on him frequently as he sits in the glass conservatory (in this weather !) staring at the tv and complaining loudly there is nothing on. He refuses to go out anywhere, unless it is the diy shop .....he refuses to have people in. An old friend who moved away did call the other day and he was pleased to see him ...in fact, I do feel most of the things he refuses to do are just for the effect it has on me (our doc agrees and says he is marginal Narcissistic personality disorder .....I actually read a few weeks ago an article from someone who has a husband with this disorder ...in effect (not much different from my men !) it is basically that they, and only they, know how to do anything, and are always, without fail, right ..this sums him up ! I get criticised for the things I say about him, but humour is the only thing that gets me through whilst being shouted at, threatened with a hammer the other day ...sworn at through gritted teeth in the middle of the supermarket ....I could go on ! When I was diagnosed with cancer in 2007 he told me I was making it up and there was nothing wrong with me. When it returned for the third time, the professor in the hospital said to me 'is anyone with you' ,,,,no, of course not ! We had been to a different hospital for his appt in the morning, and he had said he would come with me for the results of the third scan - which discovered another return !...when we got to my hospital, he just said 'I've had enough of hospitals, you can come home on the train ! OK by me, I got some shopping in ....but most people had their partner with them ! In fact, one consultant said to me, as we waited for another appt for HIM ....ahh, you do exist then ! He never got the irony !!

Anyway, to cut long story short (well, shortish !) I have about had enough ...I have been looking at returning to Menorca, but with the threat of Brexit I have no idea what will happen to our health care...my doc says if I leave him he will die ! This makes me, as is the intention, feel very guilty ! He tells me to go and get out of his life ...(then asks me to take him to the diy shop in the next breath !) ......I have even gone as far as to pack a suitcase ...don't care, leave everything behind...when I left the UK, I sold my house in one day, gave everything away and simply moved !

His daughter came to stay with us last summer for a week ....she couldn't stand any more ...she told her dad he should not treat me like he does ....his reply ? she deserves it !....and he tells me on a regular basis his late wife was 'worth a hundred of me\ .....his daughter says that is not true but salves his guilty conscience ...she left home at 18 because of the incessant arguments and nastiness ....and his late wife was lucky, as he worked all over the world and was not at home for weeks on end ! Not sure how they would have coped 24/7 ....She also told me her mother belonged to AA support network for relatives of alcoholics ...I did ask him once why he had the telephone no of the AA in his old English phone book ...and the name of a key worker ....he said it was nothing to do with him !

So .....like yourself ...what to do ? I feel trapped and totally stuck ...but also guilty . I cannot go out and leave him as we are quite isolated, have no friends (he managed to get rid of most of them !) Our neighbours are wonderful, but he cannot speak French, and has never tried to so he complains he cannot speak to them when we get invited to an 'apero' .......one has a daughter who speaks English, and he doesn't mind going if she is home .......

I found a website for house shares, in the UK, where I do not want to be, but in desperation any port in a storm !...which looked promising, but have so far only found young people and I would prefer to share with someone over 60...there are not many long term rentals in Menorca ...obviously if people can make money from the holiday season they earn more !

I never feel sorry for myself, just try to work out practicalities ....he never knows if I am here or not and cares less ! I ask him every day what he would like for dinner, as if he doesn't want what I've cooked he throws it in the bin ......or complains he 'can't eat all that', He refuses lunch, refuses coffee, anything, in fact ....then gets his own, maybe a couple of crackers and nothing else.

There is no social network of any kind here ....there are a lot of Engish people but we have never met any, or made friends with them, mainly because he doesn't want to make an effort to meet people .......

So ....most days I cope ok, others I just want to up and leave ! I used to go on holiday on my own (back to Menorca) but now even a night away is impossible. I have to go for treatment overnight at a hospital over 100 km away, and worry about leaving him in case he tries to drive (he says he will, and he says he can !)...sometimes he takes the keys and gets in the car, so that I have to stop everything and rush out to take him somewhere ...again, controlling and for effect !

If you are able to, please go away for a week or two if you can, on your own so you have time to think, reflect and enjoy having no responsibilities for a while ...then you might come back with a clearer idea of what is possible for you.

People tell me I am lucky to have him still, as some people have had husband's who died early ....so they remember them and wish they were still here ...I have several old school chums in that position .....but my mother always used to say Only the Good die young and it would seem she was right !

Life is very short ......so do something that pleases you ! ...I wish I could !! /SMILE/

I think having read the thread one thing that has struck me is a lack of happiness.

Is that because we measure our feelings of happiness by what we see on TV and in films, or other people or what we perceive to be the norm? What IS happiness??

Personally, I think happiness is different for everyone and rather than seek that state of nirvana of super happiness which everyone seems to be seeking I think its about taking happiness from the strangest places. For instance I saw a photo the other day ion our camera club competition and it literally made me stop and smile for just for a moment.

I saw a small baby today who had discovered its toes for the first time and I took pleasure in watching that moment of wonder. Those are easy things to find once you KNOW what happiness means to you.

Maybe the first steps are to identify the minutiae of happiness and then round them all up to a bigger happiness. Like a big ball of dough

Does that make sense? Or am I off my rocker

You don't need to be a Bhuddist! There are lots of different sorts of retreats & there may well be somewhere close to you, that you could visit, even just for a few hours of peace. I discovered one barely 15 mins away, where you were welcomed for as long or as short a time as you needed. Also you could talk with someone if you wanted - it was very flexible. Often these are run by some kind of religious community, so they're simple & not costly. Most welcome people of any background and provide a safe haven for whoever needs them.
Mind you I'd go to my GP too, so that all angles are covered! Good luck from another Would-be runner away x

My heart goes out to you carolboz I know the feelings you are going through.when my son died I could have walked to Scotland and back, but I did walk, and sit and meditate and it helped so much. I hope you find peace.

Carolboz....
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Without knowing your situation it's hard to give any meaningful advice. Most problems have to do with relationships, illness or finances. 'Walking away from life' sounds so dire. Just keep in mind that we all have a tendency to apply long term solutions to problems that for the most part end up being relatively short term ones, particularly the worst ones. Remember also that even if you can't change the people or the circumstances that surround you, it is within your power to decide how much you allow them to get to you. You may also be suffering from depression; something that distorts our worldview by darkening our perceptions and robbing us of motivation. Whatever is going on in your life, professional counseling is always an option. I do hope you find the solace you're looking for.

Sometimes I just need to be alone; I feel guilty about that because I know some people are very lonely and not through choice. I just feel as if I want silence to clear my head of everything. I love caravans; they're like being in the open air but with amenities. Don't think B&B's are getting away from people..more like being at home but not being able to do what you like [and you have to vacate the room for it's daily clean].

I also feel like that some times. I have bought up two grandchildren for the last 13 years they came to live with us that is my husband and me when they were 4 years and 7 years they came with their Father (our Son) when his marriage brook up his wife wanted him to leave and he said he would not go with out the children, she said take the children he had no where to go except to us, they at that time lived in London and we lived in Devon. i went to get the children, i can still remember meeting them at the station in London their little faces as they left with me on the train waving to their mum i don't think they new they were leaving her for good it still brings tears to my eyes when i think about it.our Son eventually left us with the children and we have bought them up ever since. there has been many difficult times through the years we had to sell our small farm in the country to move nearer the town for the sake of the children, i have had a few minor health problems as you do when you get older and some times i just feel i want to run away from it all, but i know i could not leave my husband or the children. So i either go up on Exmoor for the day and just sit and think or sometimes i go for a few days to stay with a friend in Sussex who i have known for many years she is very understanding and that seems to help. you just have to find what works for you.

Don't go to a caravan, B & B at least. If you can afford it a hotel. Today, I share your feelings. Let us know where you decide to go, who knows I think there are many others who would like to join you.

I have unexpected guests arriving so not much time. Carolboz it is quite normal to feel you need to be able to walk away. I suggest you look at your routines in life. On a day to day basis you should have a place that is time for yourself - in summer perhaps a cup of tea in your shed/summer house etc. Winter by the fire. You should have an outing i.e. swimming or the gymn or ladies lunch which is for you. On a longer term basis a place you can go to for a walk and talk with friends. I love Arnside a friend loves Lytham St Annes.

I do book 2 holidays a year so that I always have something to look forward to. But we are not all so lucky.

Recently I have asked a friend about the nearly local Budist retreat she goes to when stressed with daily life.

I do regularly look through my address book and ring friends I have not been in touch with recently and invite them to meet up at the local farmers shop for tea etc.

I am already looking at Christmas programmes of local adult college, the U3A, the retired Union members etc and local belly dance groups so that I have events in my diary to attend in December.

i try to have one special thing in my diary for each week. So that I am not left thinking what shall I do I need company etc.

Sadly some of my local friends have died and it is not as easy as it used to be to meet up at a few hours notice for a film at the local cinema etc.

Hope you find what you need.

Carol - I expect most of us have felt like that sometimes.
I can hardly believe it now, but one day I was so overwhelmed with fulltime work, teenage family etc I felt I couldn't cope any more. I took my passport and some money and got the bus to Hull docks where I planned to get on a ship going to Holland - completely mad!Luckily there was a kind policeman patrolling the docks and he persuaded me to go back home - he took me all the way in his car.
I was so glad to be back - and no-one at home noticed.

Ps, sorry I got carried away feeling sorry for myself. I hope you feel better soon.

I've often felt like that lately but I know it's because events are overwhelming me. It gives me some insight into how people do that. I'm sure we've all read of somone who went out for a newspaper and didn't come back. They probably felt as you do. I haven't got any advice. Generally a walk helps me. Or watching a funny programme. Meditation wouldn't do me any good I just don't seem to have what it takes to do it. It seems to have the opposite affect on me. Making me feel frustrated. I can't even read a book when I feel that way.
Oh to live in Greece, next to the sea,not far from a little village. That's not what would happen though. I'd be in some damp block of flats crying my eyes out.

Cornergran's advice sounds a good thing to do. It might help to clear your mind and help you relax a bit. I think it would be wonderful to escape from every day life just for a little bit. For me it would be in North Scotland

Who has been really happy. Probably lots of us but it doesn't look like on TV with lovers running to each other and Mums and babies in ads.

I read the otherday that happiness is being in the right place -if you feel you are in the right place then you are happy. Perhaps you don't feel you are in the right place.
And if that is so then you share that with many people.

I remember my mother leaving the house on a Sunday leaving my bad tempered father and me and my siblings and a roast in the oven. I can't recall if the dinner ever landed on the table and I suppose my mother came back that day but it did us all good and we appreciated what she did, but I was always in fear that she really would go one day.

If the feeling get stronger then you should perhaps go away for a while or is this just not possible?

Belinda49 ' I know this is no help to any of you, but reading all your posts has been great for me. ' Your post is of help to others, in the same way their posts have been great for you. We see friends/family/passers-by and think them lucky as they don't have our difficulties, but in all likelihood they too are anguishing internally and are 'putting on the brave face'. I empathise with all who want to walk away or who don't want to wake up each morning.

I heard or read somewhere that Life is Hell on Earth and have certainly agreed with that at times in my life. Because of how I was feeling I could never find the courage to do something about it. Then, out of the blue, an opportunity waved at me and I spontaneously grabbed it with both hands. I'm so glad I did. Life still isn't a bed of roses but I can at least smell the flowers now.

Love to all who feel alone in their thoughts

Zondru, very good post and helpful to us all. Thank you.

Hi carolboz. As others have said unfortunately when we care about people we do feel like this. I often have bouts feeling like it. I care for my mother inlaw with Alzheimer's my nan whose 100 and my mum in her 70's. My daughter has ME and so I am often looking after the two grandchildren. I love them all dearly and want to be there for them. But sometimes this means saying no and having to take time for myself. I learnt this the hard way by being rushed into hospital with suspected heart attack. Turned out to be stress. We are naturally people who care for others but this means caring for ourselves which I know I find really hard. I have a blessing notebook which I use to write positive points about my life. And try to ensure that I take at least a few hours out a week to do something for me. I have also found a short walk each day is good. I really hope you find a happy place to help u cope all the best xx