opting out from having a funeral.

Daisychain

This is an issue I have experienced a couple of months ago.

We have good friends, an extremely popular couple who had a light hearted take on life and a good social network. Sadly the husband died and it was naturally a shock and unexpected. The obvious question arose when and where will his funeral be held.

We found out that he was being cremated but no family nor friends were to attend only his wife. We were shocked and to be honest even now I feel as though I have been disrespectful to my dear friend by not attending any service of memorial or to say my farewell.

We were so shocked we even rang the undertakers to confirm this was true and they said this was a first for them but yes it is how we understand it to be, only his wife will attend.

I have no idea to date whether this was a decision made by both of our friends or not. We did worry our friend was suffering some kind of break down but that is apparently not the case. So, we have to accept this was her decision and utterly respect that is how it should be.

It is most certainly not for others to have any input as to another persons funeral arrangements but all I can say is having never experienced this before there is a great sadness that you can't put your finger on but none the less a sad feeling in not having the opportunity in saying farewell to a much loved friend.

Roses There seem to be so many variations on funerals these days, that it must surely be up to the individual, or their family if no specific wish is made, what sort is held. The days when everyone wore black are far behind us, thank goodness, and in my opinion it is a farewell to a loved one and a thank you for a life, which is how people will see mine which is to be quite simply that. With regard to the Wake Thatbags one of our friends was so distressed he did not want a Wake, only his close family, and no-one felt that that was odd, or left out, they respected his wishes.

My Mom and Dads funerals were both totally silent. No music, no service, no flowers, nothing said whatsoever. We went in, the coffin came in, curtains closed, we went out. That is what they both asked for. It took 5 minutes. I arranged this according to their wishes. I know it wasn't about me, but I felt embarrassed by it on both occasions.

jings

The back garden would do me a treat. And I would love to be allowed a peep at future developers' faces when they dig me up.

I have told my lot (and written it down) that I do not want any type of service when I pop my clogs. They are to have my body cremated with no talk/singing etc. If they want to have a get together over a drink and sarnie after I'm gone that's up to them lol. Don't see the sense in lining the pockets of funeral directors any more than you have to.

That's what I had been thinking thatbags but unsure about it really.

I thought saying goodbye was exactly what a wake was for. You could regard it as a funeral without the body.

I would prefer no funeral myself, body to the crematorium and then my family scatter my ashes later at some place special to all of us.. but I know it won't happen that way, my husband says he needs a 'proper' funeral to say goodbye. As it will make no difference to me whatever he decides I stated my wishes but will leave it up to him. If he predeceases me my girls know my wishes and will carry them out to the letter.

I think you're right PRINTMISS the question is what kind of service?

I think family and friends will NEED to say goodbye to people they have loved, and a quiet ceremony of some sort helps with the grieving. No need for a wake, if you do not want one. Our funeral plans are all made, my only stipulation is that my ashes be scattered on the Sussex Downs preferably where I can 'SEE' the river running by! The other half says he will join me. Not sure who will be there first though. Sorry if that sounds flippant, it is not meant to be.

Rather ( very) upsetting to think of anyone I love being used for medical ressearch.
I always thought the legal side of garden burials ( for humans!) was that if you move house you must take the 'remains' with you.Of course, nobody may know anyway if there was a burial, but police need to know it was all done legally and that it was not foul play!
A service of some kind is needed, but agree that a total stranger conducting it seems wrong, especially if the deceased was totally non religious.
What about arranging a cremation, and then holding just a reception( if there are a lot of people) or a small gathering at home just to raise a glass to the person.
Nobody has to be at the crematoriam.Or do they need to be? would it feel wrong somehow?

There was a programme on a while back following two people who had terminal illnesses and who donated themselves to scientific research.

I would like to do this too (when the time comes). I would rather be of some use, I think.

I think I'd be embarrassed about being the centre of attention at a funeral --especially if no-one turned up--.

I don't care what happens to my body after I die, that will be up to my family. None of us are religious so they can decide what kind of funeral they would like.

I do think a funeral of some kind is an important step in accepting the death though.

You can request your body goes to medical research, but its up to them if they will accept you

I read in the telegraph on Saturday that a son who finds funeral cost extortionate has decided to bury his titled mother in his back garden. He is currently digging a 4 foot hole, though not surprisingly, finding it hard work. It is not illegal to do this apparently though if you move house you don't have the right to visit the grave.
Certainly the ashes of my sil father are buried in the garden, but a body? A different thing but eAch to his own.

JBF, now why didn't I think of that, but I'm grumpy now, what would I be like in another 50/100/200 years

I like the fact that this thread, in Actives, is followed by the Waitrose ice cream one.

I would rather opt out from having a death.

Problem solved.

I do have a friend who has become a total recluse for several years now. He was a good friend and we enjoyed many a happy hour together. BUT, his wife left him about 3 years ago and he will talk to no one. He will not answer the phone, or if you visit, the door. From those that saw him last, and that was 3 years ago, he was drinking himself to death. It wouldn't surprise me that he will die without anyone knowing until his body is found, not sure how.
However, I'm sure his old friends will still raise a glass to the memory of the great guy he used to be.

If my family go against my wishes for there to be no conventional funeral on my death I have threatened to come back and haunt them!
I used to favour cremation without a service but nowadays woodland burials are becoming possible so that might be an option.
I simply hate the fake religious services, especially the standard summary of their life read out by someone who had never known them accompanied by psalms that few sing. Even worse ghastly playing of Danny Boy and the like.
When my husband passed away I personally conducted a service in the crematorium for just the immediate family then accompanied his body to the incinerator, only leaving when the coffin caught fire and the s/s door closed. Didn't seem odd to me, just deeply personal.
Now that I have been thinking about it again it doesn't really matter. I'll be gone. They can do what I would have wished or whatever they want. I won't know a thing about it. ?

Of course- very different from having a full blown expensive funeral with pomp ad circumstance, and especially all the religious elements if the deceased is a non-believer.

Donating to med research is just another way to dispose of your body.
After your death, whatever your wishes, your friends will remember you in whatever way the think fit, with any luck, mine will raise a glass down at the pub on a Monday night as we normally do., and perhaps play a suitable song. I think they would be very poor friends to just ignore ones death, what ever your wishes for no fuss.

totally disagree with that- relatives should respect the requests made by the deceased person before their demise. Their life, their death, their choice.

I'd much prefer money being given to a charity of my choice then spent on an expensive funeral. More and more people here have a cremation with a small private ceremony for close relatives. Why is that 'selfish'?

I agree with gaga's DD that it's not up to the dead person what happens after they're dead; it's up to the relatives who should do whatever they want to mark the end of the life of some they loved, or at least to whom they were related. If they don't do anything other than dispose of the body, that's up to them.

I've already told my daughters I don't give a damn what they do. They have already had some nice ideas, such as a cremation and them sprinkling some of my ashes on each of the world's continents. They can feed me to vultures if they want.

Whatever happens the materials and essence that make me will be recycled into new life somewhere of some kind. I'm fine with that. It's enough.