opting out from having a funeral.

Yes I wrote the short summary of hubby's life with comical and serious bits in it. It helped to give folks a smile which is what I want for myself too.

This is such a personal decision; my late husband was a non-believer and hated mawkishness and hypocrisy of many funeral mourners who had not had any recent contact with the deceased but who turned up for the show. (This was his view, not mine.) During his terminal illness we both discussed his funeral and he did not want a service and any mourners, just a disposal at the crematorium. Initially he did not wish me to attend but reluctantly agreed as I said someone should be there to ensure the funeral directors carried out his wishes. I chose some of his favourite music and sat quietly for a few moments with the coffin and then indicated that the curtains could be closed. I felt at peace as it was what he wished.
However he did make arrangements for a wake and he drew up the guest list of around 50 people with whom he had had close association during his life and the following month we had a wonderful celebratory meal at his favourite restaurant.
A close friend and neighbour gave a short, humorous, anecdotal speech and we all have fond memories of the occasion. Because it was a month after his death
I found it less harrowing than a conventional ceremony so soon after his passing and could begin to reflect on the happy years we had shared.
For myself, I really have no strong views - just a simple, non-religious cremation and a jolly good party to follow!

Just realised the last sentence doesn't make sense - wish there was an 'Edit' button on Gransnet. There isn't is there? Have I missed something?

I have a friend who is a Celebrant and he conducts very many simple funerals. His particular dislike is hymns which either no-one knows or is too upset to sing. You can have what you like - secular songs, music, but I think it would be difficult for family and friends to have nothing at all. I completely agree with the speech by someone who didn't know the person at all, having witnessed a local vicar doing just that. A good celebrant will take time to talk to the family and find out about the person, what they wanted, what the family wanted, and compose an appropriate goodbye ceremony. We had him for my parents, he didn't know them, or us then, but took many hours to find out and several people thought he had actually been a close friend beforehand. Helps if you write a few notes yourself too - my dad did that, which I thought was a bit controlling (and typical of him) at the time, but dealing with (and all the associated admin) is hard enough; having an idea of what the person wanted makes it so much less difficult.

My hubby of 66years of marriage was buried at the Natural Burial Ground in April and I had a non religious service for him at the local crematorium . The service consisted of comical poems about us and a short summary of hubby's life plus the celebrant who was taking the service and had a lovely voice singing "We'll meet again ". With us all joining in. I wanted to celebrate hubby's 88 years on this earth NOT his departure.i also had his big band music in the background because he used to love Glenn Miller and all the bands of his era. No hymns or anything else to do with religion.
It was comical really because at the wake after the funeral, held at the local hotel, I had many folks coming to me saying that it was THE best funeral they had ever attended and they too would be making arrangements for their own demise.
He has bird and bat boxes in his memory with his name on them. I had no intentions of putting expensive stone ware in a graveyard to be kicked down by yobs and drug addicts as they had done to a good many.

I would like to have a disposal only and then my ashes sprinkled wherever.
I was talking to my DDs and they told me you can have your ashes put into fireworks and go off with a really good bang.
Now this is something I would really like!!!

My father's humanist ceremony, at the crematorium, was exactly what was needed - a lovely way to say goodbye to him, without a scrap of religion. He'd have haunted me if I'd involved a priest, I'm sure
It was also a reasonable cost.

I'm also a non-believer so I've requested a non-religious send-off. I'm going to be cremated and my ashes put in a firework rocket that emits purple stars. Then my family are going to let the rocket off over the marshes where I live. The only thing that worries me is that I die before my parents - they're rather religious and a non-religious ceremony will probably upset them.

PS and write them down. It can be included in your will.

I recently went to a funeral service without a body, as my friend had donated her body to science. It was a bit odd not to have that focal point, but it just went through the usual Anglican service. Then we repaired to the church hall and chatted about Janet and her life. Didn't feel much different.

It's up to the live person to make the choice, I would be very cross if I ended up in a church service. Still cant decide cremation vs woodland burial. Whatever, it's important to let people know your wishes, preferably while you are still very much alive.

I had a humanist wedding ceremony and not having heard of this organisation before my parents both opted for a humanist funeral - a non secular celebration of their lives with a favourite poem and music. Some of their friends went on to opt for the same sort of service for their families. Here is a link for you humanism.org.uk/ceremonies/

My Mil died shortly after her 90th birthday, having outlived her friends. She was very anti-religion and we had a humanist service, where the celebrant asked us each to write a funny story we remembered about MiL to recount. We sat in a small cosy group and laughed at the wonderful memories we had shared over the years. So much better than the normal impersonal religious service.

A gentleman near us has buried his wife in their garden (it's quite a big garden) and apparently there are few rules and regulations. However he was advised to let the police know as a neighbour might jump to the wrong conclusions. Obviously I didn't ask but what will,happen one day when he is not around and the house goes for sale. I don't think many people would want a stranger buried in their garden.

Some of my family are getting on a bit, or live at the other end of the country, so attending a funeral would be a major upheaval for them. So no, I don't think it would be selfish to do without a funeral. Quite the opposite. But nearest and dearest could make the scattering of the ashes a comforting little ceremony to say goodbye.

I agree, annsixty, Have also just skimmed over this.
Jingle, like your idea, opt out of death! If you had reasonable health - think of all the changes you would see.
When all is said and done though, you won't know anything about it so let your family do it their way.

I have only skimmed through this as I don't particularly want reminding of my own age and not too far off demise. It is very important to make sure that at least your family know your wishes and are not left knowing what to do. I have stressed to my D I do not want a "public funeral". Just her my s and the older GC. I do not think she will entirely go along with that when the time comes but , knowing that, I am not bothered at all, she must do what she wishes. If she would feel uncomfortable not allowing family and close friends to attend, so be it. She knows that I won't haunt her if she does it "her way" but she also knows a eulogy is a no-no. I have sat at too many funerals wondering who is being spoken of, and thinking, after all these years I never knew that.

I can second your post Iam64. At a recent family funeral we felt only gratitude to the undertakers for their caring advice and support, and to the lovely vicar who conducted the service. Even though none of the family are churchgoers, she made it a personal and very fitting occasion and a lovely tribute to our family member.

I believe that if you wish to be buried in your garden, that is not a problem, but the burial place has to be registered with some authority (local council maybe) BUT, that registration means that when you sell it will be found in searches and may put buyers off. There is a house near us that has exactly that problem, the for sale/sold signs go up and down like a fiddlers elbow.

"lining the pockets of undertakers" - I remain grateful to the undertakers who helped us organise the funerals for both our parents. The recent humanist funeral of a close friend whose death came too quickly and too early was led by a celebrant, who was a great help to our friends wife and children in planning and conducting the service.

Of course it's up to the deceased and their loved ones what kind of service/no service takes place but I did not feel over charged by the Co-op, rather I felt relieved the member of staff involved was a calm, helpful presence when we were in the early stages of grief.

I agree with granjura, donation to charity is much better than lining the pockets of undertakers. I did like woodland burial etc that Newquay mentioned, nice personal touches. It's important I think for family and friends to be able to say their goodbyes in whatever way is fitting.

A lady in our choir died suddenly-her daughters and her then husband had a private (presumably secular service-woodland burial). Lots of us were invited some time afterwards to a celebration of her life in a local village hall.
The family had put up family photos and the daughters told us of their mother's life and paid tribute to her.
As a choir we sang a few pieces-it was all lovely and fitting for a much loved alto, and a potter, a walker and each of her interests was represented.

I don't intend to have a funeral although I am Christian, I don't want to put my relatives through a service,having to give a eulogy etc. I have left my body to medical science but they may not want me. In which case I will be cremated and ashes disposed of. Prefer my family to remember me, they know of my wishes.

if somebody is not religious, it could be a short service, perhaps a few readings and appropriate music.
For church go-ers and past church go-ers a few prayers chosen by the family?

Kassi and POGS that really is food for thought.
It does matter to us to have a service [of some kind]not to the deceased, but for those who are alive!That has made me think again.

I didn't have any comfort from my husbands funeral, the night before the funeral was so different, I went to the church with my priest, just the two of us and the coffin , much comfort

I didn't attend the funerals of my parents , my siblings did, my parents knew I would not attend ,