opting out from having a funeral.

When my step dad died he had a humanist service. No bible readings, prayers or hymns but 2 songs were played. One was Frank Sinatra's 'My Way'. I wasn't sure about that when my mum suggested it but it was just right for him.

It was a lovely send off; despite the heartbreak it was the nicest funeral I've ever been too.

I have been to two memorial services over the year one was held as the lady who had passed had left her body to medical science although she was Catholic and friends and relatives felt they needed to bid farewell, the other was for the local community as the guy in question had been living locally but actual funeral held miles away,

You can have a direct cremation. Your remains will go direct from the undertaker (you'd have to go there wether you died at home or hospital ) no car,no mourners,no words said etc. David Bowie had one.

From what I have read on here, it does seem that most people need some sort of 'service' religious, humanist, or just a collection of readings / music, and it does bring a sense of ritual and closure. It may be our own choice, just to have a disposal of the body, but is it selfish to deny relatives/friends this closure?

My dear B.in.l Peter's humanist funeral was, as mildred's thread earlier, so so sad but absolutely joyous and uplifting and so captured his essence. He was only 61, far too young to leave us, but his music was played, family pictures were displayed and funny stories about him told. Its not for everyone but the joy and beauty of that service helped us all cope a little better with the pain of losing him. It must be so difficult for loved ones to say a very austere goodbye. For myself, i want buckets of tears and gales of laughter and a big party with lots of dancing!

When my DMil (a non-believer) passed away a few years ago my DH and I wrote her eulogy and delivered it ourselves. We made all references to her life as respectfully humorous as possible. We talked about her being a bit of a party animal, her boy-racer type driving, her wonderful holidays, her wicked sense of humour etc. Then thanked everyone who had loved and cared for her and expressed her appreciation. We combined this with a recording of some of her favourite music such as Begin the Beguine. It was a 30 minute celebration of her life and she would have loved it.

I have planned my pagan funeral (green site), happy Jazz music, no dark colours, ideally wild flowers or later plant a tree, cardboard box, Wiccan celebrant etc. The happiest funeral I've ever attended was my son's best friend, a young man who was remembered by all his friends with love and laughter. One piece of music caused problems with the wrong CD track being played - we all chorused "No, number 2" and eventually someone said "We need Mark here - he'd soon sort it". It brought the house down! DH says you can shove him in a plastic bag and pop him in the bin!!! But funerals are for those left to celebrate the life of the deceased.

My only specific wish is to be cremated; I have no desire "to lie in cold obstruction and to rot". Everything else should be what my family feels happiest with.

DM left her body to science, and we had a jolly wake at her house on the North Norfolk Coast, inviting her local friends and tradesmen who had kept an eye on her.

Having had a passion for horses most of my life my DD says that she's going to have me cremated and will then sprinkle my ashes onto the nearest muck heap because, she says, "mother will be perfectly happy up to her neck in horse poo!"

I have told my hubby and children I want a direct cremation, no funeral. But about a month later use the money that would have been spent on the service and ridiculous cost of flowers for a nice meal to which anyone who I saw regularly and all family is invited.
The children can organise some happy memories for everyone to remember me and can hear shared laughter not tears.

I hate funerals, our daughter, our parents, my beloved SiL, my niece, very recently my brother at 65. I used to think they must be helpful, grieving process and saying goodbye, but believe me they never helped me.

But I have also told them 'do what you would like to do, I shan't know, I' m not there!'

However hubby will not discuss any aspects of his future funeral at all!

A good friend died suddenly. Her family knew she didn't want a funeral so the undertakers collected her and took her to the crematorium while everyone else went to the upstairs of the pub for a celebration of her life conducted by a humanist. I found the whole thing cold and unfeeling. WE were very good friends and I didn't feel I Had the opportunity to say goodbye. All I tried to remember was that it was what she and the family wanted. They didn't even tell us she was being cremated at the same time as we were getting together and I Only found out afterwards. It was awful.

Funerals are important. It's over 20 years since my dear brother died in the USA. He had elected not to have a funeral. My ghastly sister in law held a memorial service several months after his death, to which his family were not invited.

I feel that the lack of a funeral means I never had the chance to say goodbye to him.

He was no longer religious, but that didn't mean there couldn't be a celebration of his life held before cremation. I have been to several non religious things like that and they were all just as moving as the church services I have attended.

I have stated to my family I want a 'direct cremation' this means my body will go directly to the crem. There are several companies that now offer this service if you search online.

It is far better this way, especially when money is short. Funerals are such a rip off. I have threatened my family if they waste money on a full funeral I will come back and haunt them!! Lol!

I hope you find the Final Fling link as useful as I did, Shellseeker. One of the links is to 'Open Funerals' which is where I learned about Direct Cremation.

You don't need a body to celebrate someone's life after they have died. Memorial services can be happy affairs providing people do talk about their experiences of the person who has died. My experience is that after the funeral people are just chatting about holidays or catching up with folk they have not seen for a while .

I heard of someone not wanting a funeral who had her body driven by a family member to the crematorium and then had her ashes scattered. It's perfectly legal to take a bod to cremation yourself, providing of course it's done with respect.

Funerals are ridiculously expensive. I would opt for latter, or woodland burial, but that is also expensive. When I had my 60th, I had a small gathering of close friends to dinner at a posh place. My husband had asked them to speak after the dinner about how they knew me. It was very touching what they said. Better to hear what folk think of you when alive, than never hear it.?

Thank you to all the contributors to this Forum. I have 6 children three of whom live and work abroad. I have expressed a wish that on my demise I am cremated without ceremony, that my ashes be stored somewhere and at a time when all the family are in the UK they can scatter or bury my ashes and then have a happy meal together, hopefully remember any good I did and be kind enough to forget the rest!! I really don't want those who are abroad to feel that they have to drop everything and travel back especially for a funeral. For some of them it may indeed not be possible due to the nature of their work to just take time off (ie they could be in the middle of the Atlantic!!). The thing which worries me about this is that I do feel that a funeral brings 'closure', sort of a 'permission' to get on with life. So I thought maybe on the evening of the cremation they could all get together via Skype.

Thank you so much Seadragon for your link - www.finalfling.com - where I hope I will find some information about how to organise this. I have approached several funeral directors but they seem incapable of thinking outside the box and can only offer one of their set 'packages' none of which are suitable.

(When my dear elderly friend died some years ago, her only family, not close relatives,arranged the funeral but had no interest in giving any information to the vicar for the service. Having checked with them and gained their permission I went to considerable lengths to write up some notes about the things she had considered important in her life, things she had enjoyed and good deeds - of which there were many - she had done for friends and neighbours. At the funeral the vicar had re-scripted my notes and I didn't even recognise the person he spoke of. If there is a service and the vicar does not know the deceased I think it is so much better if the family or friends can manage to give the eulogy.)

Funerals dont need to be religious, we had a wonderful celebrant do my daughters service and it was more a celebration of life rather than all doom and gloom religious death style one. She also found us a brill local funeral director unlike the 'big names' who rip you off and play on your grief and guilt trip you making you spend a fortune you cannot afford

A disposal is a very appealing idea. As well as saving your loved ones' money, a memorial service can be held at the right time for the mourners' feelings.

It's your life and your death, so your choice. It's what others do, or we do for others in life that counts, not a funeral. Just make your wishes known and talk with family so it's all clear and sorted.

My mum loathed funerals. She was a very private person and felt that funerals were a chance for people to turn up and parade their grief, even if they hadn't seen the deceased for years or didn't have a profound relationship with them. When my dad died, she chose not to have a funeral for him - the undertakers handled the cremation and, at the time we knew it was taking place, the immediate family gathered together at her house and shared our grief in silence.

When mum herself died, she said in her will that my sister and I could decide whether or not to arrange a funeral, and that we didn't have to feel under any obligation to attend. In the end, my sister felt that a small funeral would give us closure. Again, it was just immediate family and we did everything ourselves, i.e. the music, the reading, etc. It was good because it felt personal to us.

I don't think anyone should feel obliged to hold a funeral if they don't want to. Similarly, if you don't want a funeral yourself, you should tell your family and they should respect your wishes.

rosesarered why does their need to be a service of some kind? I want my body cremated and my ashes scattered somewhere nice. I am happy for as many to come to the scattering as want to but I don't want someone standing there talking about me, I would rather people think back on my life quietly and perhaps talk about me in the future.

I arranged my mums passing, it wasn't a funeral because she was a non believer and hated spending money uneccasarily. My husband and I want the very least we can get away with doing. As for our family members they can have a party with fun and laughter when they are ready to celebrate our live's not our death's. The money we would have spent on a funeral will be available for just this purpose.

I'd like a green funeral, a woodland burial. The best funerals I've been to were ones conducted by friends of the deceased. It's all very well saying its up to those left behind, but it might be helpful to stipulate what you'd like, otherwise there's a lot of second guessing and emotions are raw and clashes can happen. My mother said she didn't care, but my brother and I were at odds, he took over and I nearly didn't go to her funeral.

I've just had an exceptional run of funerals...8 in 10 weeks, so have seen a variety from 'full regalia' religious ones to simple personalised non religious ceremonies in the chapel to the local crematorium which is in a pretty setting.

The standout one, for me was a ceremony held in the Clandon Wood Natural Burial Grounds in Surrey - a nature reserve. It somehow felt 'just right' and wholesome. There was a wicker coffin (but with a solid base to prevent creaking. The ceremony was simple, personalised with letters from each child to their mother (who was being buried) read out and photos being projected onto a screen of their mother and special moments throughout their lives. It was extraordinarily beautiful and exceptionally touching.

I was reminded how much funerals are as much for the living and a memorial of the person who has died.

It was surprisingly consoling to me when friends turned up at my mother's funeral, even tho' they hardly knew her. They were standing by me. Similarly a group of us went to the civil ceremony a friend arranged for his mother, even tho' we did not know her at all. We were standing by our friend in a time of sadness. He was very very touched.

Other people just organised for the remains to be sent straight from the funeral directors to the crematorium, holding a memorial some time later.

I would flag up for those who are thinking of avoiding a funeral completely, by giving their bodies to medical science. It might be worth checking up with the establishment to which you are intending to donate your body that you won't be given the remains when they are 'done' with you. A friend has just discovered that this is what they intended to do!

So - There seems to many good ways of dealing with death and the ceremonies surrounding it.

I recently had a brush with death when my heart went into spasm during an angiogram. It was a great comfort to me to know I had taken to precaution to draw up an Advance Directive and an Advance Care Plan. The first detailed the circumstances in which I did not want certain medical/surgical interventions and the second detailed the way in which I would like care provided should I become dependent. It also included a section where I could detail the kind of funeral (Direct Cremation - no ceremony - cardboard coffin) With family scattered throughout UK, I leave it to them to organise gathering and love the idea of a rocket with purple stars for my ashes! These docs are part of my medical records and the Directive is legally binding in England but not yet in Scotland. The blank forms can be found on www.finalfling.com along with various links to other docs such as Power of Attorney and wills and how to arrange a Direct Cremation. I have discussed all this with my family who will have copies of all my docs by the end of this month and it feels good to have made these decisions.