Will I ever become a grandma?

Lindylou57 it might help your DD to know that you feel sad too. You won't want to wallow in misery of course but if she mentions it again, you could let her know that you share her feelings.

We have two sons in their late forties. One is divorced and vows never to marry again, the other is single but has a partner for holidays, social thing etc they do not live together. I realize now that grandchildren are highly unlikely as both sons are very set in their ways and have no wish to be fathers.
It's very sad. I have lost a few cousins in recent years and I just see my family coming to an end. There is only us and our boys left now. I haven't told them how I feel as it us their choice how to live their lives, but we are sad about it as we have so much to offer.

Hi LIndylou57 if it's any help I had a friend whose daughter had several failed IVFs and was onto her last chance when she produced beautiful twins. One of DD's friends was successful with her first attempt at IVF and then had a surprise natural pregnancy. It's a hard road, but there is always hope.

Lindy, you could start a new thread about this. It's a good topic.

I think with this sort of situation, just listen and share. You can't say 'don't worry', IMO, or 'it'll be all right'....it may not be, and she has a right to worry ! Instead, just be there and say how sad it is for them both. Let her express her sadness without you feeling the need to make everything ok, 'cos you can't and she knows it.

Hi I've just joined here after reading an article about this in the Mail. I long to be a gran. My daughter who is 33 and her husband are due to start IVF soon. He has 2 children by a previous relationship who my girl adores as do they her. They have to pay for their treatment because of this. I thought my daughter was handling everything well but she broke down this weekend and told me she is just so sad about it all.I didnt know what to say except for the usual 'it'll be alright' and 'dont worry'. Trouble is I'am so sad too. Any advice would be welcome. Also I think it is so unfair they have to pay. I could understand if they both had children from other relationships and were struggling to conceive in this one.

Icanhandthemback....of course you can have any opinion you wish - I do not remember saying anyone could not, I just felt your comment that you felt it strange that people are reluctant to ask lacked a little tolerance towards others opinions. Some of us would rather die that ask - others are happy to jump in. We all have opinions and if we choose to share them we should be happy to hear the other side.

I assume I am allowed an opinion HildaW especially when I go on to say why it is alien to me. There was no slating involved and the OP didn't say she couldn't discuss it with her family, somebody else had told her not to. I wouldn't go round asking anybody but if I wanted to ask my children I would just ask...I've never actually needed to. However, I would preface it with, "You don't have to discuss it if you don't want to but I was wondering...."

I don't get it. WHY ask? It risks being intrusive at best and downright interfering and controlling at worst. If you have a good relationship where it's accepted you will be supportive and caring, then there is no need to ask. If they want you to know, they will tell you

But one person's idea of "sensitive" might be another person's idea of "blunderingly intrusive".

I agree with Jinglbellsfrocks. There's no harm in asking so long as you're sensitive. It might be easier to mention it to your sons while on their own as you know them better - they might be pleased to confide in you as men don't tend to discuss things with friends the same way as women do.

I have always worked on the assumption that if someone wants you to know something personal and private, they'll tell you. I would NEVER ask anyone, no matter how close, about their pregnancy/children plans. DD1 had a bit of a struggle to get pregnant, and did share with me after a few months - obviously on her own terms and with the agreement of her DH (who appeared to have 'the' problem at the time, according to tests). DD2 won't leave it too long to try, she tells me, but we never bring the subject up - it's absolutely up to them.

I honestly don't see the point of asking. No one is going to have a baby just because it would fulfil someone else's wishes to become a grandparent, so why ask? It's their business!

GillC - it does - thankyou for that.

nadirahangail.com/2016/05/25/mind-your-own-womb/ This says it all I think.

I wouldn't ask directly either, but would it be something you could casually say to your son's mother-in-law? (Not in their presence, of course). It could be that DIL has confided in her Mum, though don't expect any confidential secrets to be divulged.

One assumes they would do it in much the same way as the rest of us.

It's not "discussing their breeding habits"!!!!

I agree icanhandthemback.

icanhandthemback - try to be a little more tolerant of other families dynamics. The OP gave the impression that her family were more restrained about such matters and asked the question should she ask to help her cope. The impressions most of us got was of a family preferred to play their cards a little closer to their chest than the one you speak of and her need to know might do more harm than good.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong in discussing one's childrens' breeding habits with them if they are happy to do so....in this case they appeared (from the tenor of the OP) not to.

I find it completely strange that so many of you feel you can't ask a simple question. I would certainly ask the question of my offspring but be aware they might not wish to answer and would accept that. I would probably only answer the question once because I wouldn't want to put any pressure on them and if they were having difficulty I would hope they could feel they could talk about it, especially as they know one of mine was ICSI, but I would leave that to their discretion. We are quite an open family and even my stepchildren feel able to discuss things openly as a general rule so maybe that is why I find it so strange that people think their family relationships are so fragile they can't ask.

I'm another 'please don't ask'. I still squirm at the memory of my father in law's unsubtle enquiries on the subject back in the Seventies.

Please, don't ask. If they have problems conceiving they will tell you if they want to. If a grandchild comes along, that would be wonderful, but I would assume it is not on their agenda at the moment so as not to be disappointed, but don't give up hope, you never know. I have two friends whose children decided not to have children, but they both have a good relationship, with their children and partners.

I don't think you should ever ask. My DS and wife are now in their early forties and have none - they have casually commented a couple of times about 'if' they have children, so may or may not be trying / failing. I waited 6 years for my first after marrying, at a time when everyone got married and started a family immediately. I was always being asked by random people as well as close family when we were going to have one (as if it was all my choice and my fault!), and even told how unfair I was being to my DH. It really upset me. So I have been scrupulous about never asking, even with my DD who did have a miscarriage before her successful pregnancy. It didn't stop us talking about it together once the miss had happened though.

both my son's have told me they never want children & have said that since they were in their teens , DIL is of the same mindset so I'm not expecting any from that marriage DS1 still hasn't met anyone special so I'm waiting on that.

On the otherhand BFF & cousin were in their 40s before they had their first

My view is that you work on the assumption that you won't be a granny. Enjoy life and if eventually it happens then that's wonderful.

farnorth as I know my daughter rather better than you, I would advise you to keep your remarks to yourself.

I can say things to her because we are very close, equally she says things such as, 'cant you find yourself a man' and I never take offence. I really depends upon the relationship that we have with our daughters whether we can talk about such subjects