Death Cafe

My friend who is recently and unexpectedly widowed goes to a Bereavement group which she calls Death Club - she says it doesn't make her feel any better but it makes the people who arrange it think they are doing a good job helping her out!.

I fear it might be full of calling cards from funeral directors, insurance companies and funeral plan companies - no thanks!

I have told my kids that I will die, I will not be 'passing away or any other sentimental euphemism. It is all natural stuff and in some ways I am looking forward to it.

When my babies died at birth I was helped by talking to mothers who too had suffered deaths of their babies at birth, it wasn't a death club , if was a relief not to hear - well you have two healthy children or you can have more , and it's a pity the people who listen to the bereaved are dismissed as - think they are doing a good job.

Alea I too have suffered the toxic Little Chef Christmas experience?
Bags I don't mind talking about death. I just don't want to discuss my feelings and experiences with strangers.
A bit like Alan Bennett.
'My name's Alan. I'm British and I don't do this sort of thing.'
Annie

Having watched the video on the link you give grannyactivist,I can definitely see the need for these groups,if not the reason for calling them cafes!
While it wouldn't be for me personally,some people facing their own or a loved one's death from a terminal illness may find a lot of support and advice at these meetings.There are a lot of things to consider that family and close friends may find it difficult to discuss.
Yes,we will all die and I have no problem talking about that with anyone.But not everyone is lucky enough to have somebody to ask about what to do when a loved one dies,what funeral options are out there and so on.
These "cafes" are simply fulfilling a need as far as I can see.

I have googled these cafes as I had not heard of them,and it seems that they have invited speakers from Macmillan nurses etc.I can,t imagine going as I have a good circle of friends ,but there are many people facing death alone or who do not wish to discuss it with friends and family,so maybe they would find it supportive.
Death itself is a fascinating subject,but I wonder if these places may attract people who have an unsavoury attraction to death.
My only sadness about death is that I shall not see my daughters and grandson again.

However much one talks about death and dying, whether or not we accept it, it won't alter the fact that it is going to happen.

I haven't been to a death cafe but was invited to the London cat cafe soon after it opened and enjoyed it very much. Excellent tea and lovely puss cats to admire. recommended as an outing.
ladydinahs.com/

Am I the only person who laughed out loud at the picture? The first anniversary of my DH's death as just passed and I know he would have laughed at that also. Like "Bags" I think it was she, I too use the word death and regularly shout at the tv and radio when euphemisms are used.
I joined Gransnet right at the beginning but had to change my name and have not been on often at all of late.

No, we did as well, we often make pop corn in the microwave, so could imagine the scene. Liked iy so much, I posted it on my FB page.

I am like you granny2016 find it hard to accept not seeing family again my oh laughs and says you won't know but I still feel sad about it . Loved the poster though made us both laugh. ??

Death or rather dying is not a topic of regular conversation, which is a shame - Death gets everyone in the end.
I do talk about it but people are terribly uncomfortable so I shut up . At our age, it is important that one's family is aware of your desires and so on.

If you shudder at the thought of talking about death, have you made a will? What do you want to happen to your body - burial/cremation/woodland/ give to science? Who do you want to look after your body - funeral professionals, or beloved friends to do the laying out (this happens in the UK though you wouldn't know it). Do you want DNR or for all possible interventions? What about these decisions for your nearests+dearests? These are some of the 'hard' questions that such a conversation can bring up. But there are also many many conversations to be had, about how death affects/has affected your life, what you think about how it is euphemised out of existence, also preparing for (if we're lucky) the ailments of old age.

Of course we hope that we can have such chats with friends, but having an event where you know these things will pop up in between the tea and cakes can get through the taboos that so many have.

And can remind us to ask the questions of our older friends that we keep meaning to ask - I still have regrets about many missed opportunities in my family.

I've done most of that, but DH won't let me arrange my funeral. He thinks it "morbid". I keep reminding him that I have no idea what he would like at his own funeral, do we invite his estranged sister, etc.? It is a kindness for the family that one should have everything arranged. Personally it doesn't matter a jot what happens after I die as I shan't be there... but it is comforting for the family.

Swing - Hmmm, after looking at the link and your post I'd definitely be up for it if one was near me. It sounds peaceful and contemplative, not awkward and contrived as I posted earlier. I also said 'weird' - probably no weirder than I am.
It does, however, seem to be a business. I think I'd prefer an occasional independent event as a pop up.

Swij.
When did your board name change to Swing?
I frequently find it impossible to post people's names correctly as autocorrect won't let me. A quick full stop and a couple of spaces sometimes does the trick.

Not necessarily 'commercial' either. My local hospice is having one in May:
www.stjh.org.uk/blog/afternoon-tea-difference

I was put off visiting this hospice because of its Catholic origins, but they really are secular in what they do and accommodate all sorts, many religions and none, and events like the Death Cafe are part of their outreach.

Checked - not local to me. I'll find out whether there are any here.
Might you go, Pammish?

Glad the poster raised a chuckle.
As both a Chaplain in a Care Home and in my role working with homeless people (people who live on the streets die an average of 30 years before the general population) I DO talk about death quite often - and you may remember that last year I was (still am) considering taking the training to be a 'death doula' (still don't like the word 'doula'). When the subject is raised or even alluded to many people respond by doing the equivalent of sticking their fingers in their ears and saying 'la-la-la-la'. (One person did this quite literally and walked out of the room when her mother's G.P. talked about her mother's imminent death.)
There is a death cafe being held in a nearby city next month; unfortunately it's being held on a day that I'm really busy already, but if I can I shall go along and report back.

janea, yes, fine. I'm not seeking agreement with anyone else, just expressing my own feelings on the subject, and it's on the whole subject of death, not just human death.

ab, death gives life as well as taking it away. For example a dying tree is wonderful habitat for all kinds of creatures, fungi, and other plants. Death is connected to all parts of life as I see it, an integral part of what Life is.

Looked at from a scientific point of view, which I do, death is just part of biology. It has no mystique for me, any more than procreation does.

Fascinating ! I had to read all the way to the end before encountering one really positive approach to the subject of death and the 'Death Cafés'. The one I have been to....twice already and will go again next month !....was just a small group of interesting, highly intelligent, sensitive and respectful people sat around a table inside a Bills Cafe, not drinking coffee or eating cake but had whatever they felt like ordering. It so happens this leader is Buddhist and we have a whale of a time but never offend anyone's sensibilities. We all find that by embracing the inevitability of death we actually live more consciously....no more procrastination, well, we try ! Also, there are actually many more people than one realises who, for various reasons (age, logistics etc), are without family or friends and have to organise their own power of attorney, will, funeral arrangements etc.
We have dropped other taboos such as money, sex, mental illness, homosexuality, Asperger's, colour, race...... Time we dealt with death in a positive way ? :-)

@Elrel, yep I've booked my place. Free tea and cakes, why not?

Info here on the organised network, future dates, and also how to do your own
deathcafe.com/what/

Hi Elrel.....my Death Cafe in London is not really a 'business'. The group leader is a charming 'young' French Buddhist woman who happens to have lost 3 close family members within a short time and, after nearly dying herself, she totally changed the way she felt about life/death. We contribute £5 to the 2 hour 'session' (£30 from six people) for administrative purposes as she also runs a website. Hardly enough to grow rich on a once a month basis. She simply has become deeply intrigued with the subject but is amazingly positive. All attendees said they felt the meeting quite up-lifting.