OH beginning to deteriorate

This is a slightly different problem but one where a decision had to be made. I have got very friendly with a neighbour whose partner of 23 years died 17 months ago.
She is a real homemaker and has turned the house into a beautiful home.
She has landscaped the garden and it is her pride and joy, she will work in it for hours.
Because they never married her partner's pensions died with him although she got the house and capital but her own pension does not even cover the bills and living
expenses. She is in negotiations for a tiny bungalow and will hate leaving her home but she said to me one day, I know I am going to miss it but having a lovely home and garden doesn't pay the gas bill.
Having a lovely home and view will not compensate you if you have to give up driving and resenting the same 4 walls. Likewise you will not always be there to run the choir, so put YOURSELF first for once.

Lucky yes we just did. DH also has AF. We were anxious not to get 'trapped'.

You have to grab every offer of help that you can, use some very good removal people and enlist the family as much as possible. If you start decluttering and getting rid of extraneous stuff even before the house goes on the market it will spread out the work.
As for the singers I think you would be surprised! If enough come you can recruit others in your new area.

DH thought of all the excuses under the sun and was most reluctant but now he wouldn't go back if you paid him. We both love our new home as that is what we have made it.
At least you would be so much nearer the family when you need it most.

May I throw a spanner in the works? How would you cope if you could no longer drive?

Also you can spend a fortune indoors with a stair lift, wet room etc but it still does remove the steep hill outside. I know what I would do and before I was too incapable but it is your decision. Good luck.

Thank you all for your very helpful posts.

One factor in here is that OH is also a very anxious man and has AF, and I am not sure that he would be able to cope with the stress of a move. I would have to get people in to help with everything physical, but there is all the stress of trying to sell, which he would fine very hard indeed.

There might also be a problem about the singing group that I run - it would probably fold as it would be too far for most of the singers to come. I would miss that - it helps to keep me relatively sane.

When we bought this lovely place we did not think twice about the hill and the gradient of the drive - we just fell in love with it. Internal alterations would be very helpful, but would not remove the problem of us not being able to get down the drive as time goes on.

My DD lives in a flat area of the county; but the views are less, and there is traffic noise from a main road nearby - we have been truly spoiled by having this wonderful peace and quiet for so many years.

Has anyone actually made such a move from a loved home to something more sensible?

Another way to look at a move is that you will make it your home before your DH gets too ill to appreciate it and you can make some happy memories for all of your family to add to the lovely ones you already have of this home.

I feel for you both

Difficult decision lucky

lucky unfortunately you are the only one who can make that decision and it is a toughie. Annsixty is very qualified to advise but in the end it is an individual thing.
Perhaps visualizing yourself in your current home as DH deteriorates and working out how and if you could manage both physically and financially without making yourself ill would assist. If you can do so, talking to someone who is coping (or has coped) with the latter stages would give you a better insight which would help the decision making.
Also visualizing yourself ultimately on your own there would be helpful and how your own life would be from that point on.

I have a feeling that you know what is best but are reluctant to commit.

Take care.

Luckygirl, There is not much worse than having to leave a beloved home because life has thrown an impossible situation in your path.

The only advice I can offer is to 'talk yourself into it'. If you really feel that remaining where you are would be full of difficulties for both of you, not just your DH, go to bed at night thinking of as many positive points as you can with regard to the move.

Not having to climb stairs/steps to the house/negotiate steep hills.
Everything on one level means maintenance is cheaper.
Housework takes far less time.
Take out an existing bath and fit a large shower cubicle or wet room.
Plan a new decor.

The list could go on......

You mentioned before that you now have to do all the driving so will you be nearer to shops, medical facilities etc?

Best of all - think about the advantages of being so near to your DD and DGCs and how much easier it will be for them to support you both.

It's a hard process because leaving a much loved home is so painful but once you have made the decision, don't waver......Just do it.

I hope things work out for you one way or the other.

Just sympathy, lucky

Sorry, meant to add that the cost of moving and doing-up a bungalow would be far more than installing a stairlift, downstairs wet room, safety rails, etc.

I have every sympathy Luckygirl and would not presume to give advice as you must decide what you choose to do. However, an example.
My mum had PD as well as other mobility issues which meant she was often hospitalised after falls. Dad could not lift her and it would require an ambulance. They lived in a charming if cold Scottish cottage with lovely views over the river and to the hills beyond and spent many happy hours in their conservatory looking at the view. The house was built on a hillside with a sloping garden with no vehicular access, but 26 steps up from the front gate plus a sloping path to a level terrace and the front door. You can see where I'm going with this. Mum was eventually effectively a prisoner in the house as the only way she could get out was to be carried in a stretcher chair. Once in hospital, and subsequently in a care home for convalescence (actually I realise respite care for Dad's sake) she could be taken out in a wheelchair, go for "runs" in the car, afternoon tea etc and see people.
I think a move before it is forced on you would make sense, but you must decide, in collaboration with your DH, the rest of the family and your DD. If I could have persuaded my parents to move to a bungalow/a house with flat easy access or a sheltered flat they would have retained more independence for longer and possibility improved mobility. Oh I do feel for you, but a house is a house, YOU make it a home. Sorry to go on so long

Lucky I've nursed a number of PD patients, privately in their own homes, and do understand the physical difficulties as the illness progresses.

Your lovely home obviously gives you both a great deal of pleasure and I'd think hard before moving.

The physical problems your DH has with mobility, dressing, etc will still be there wherever you live. A downstairs bedroom or a stairlift, the latter can be fixed to the most difficult oddly-shaped staircases, might be a better solution.

My heart does go out to you Luckygirl (((hugs))).

I have a friend who was in the same situation as you but maybe a year or so further on. Her DH was falling more and more frequently and she decided to move into a bungalow but in the same town where she could still access her support network. It's been a wrench for her to leave her house but I think she is finding life easier with less worries about DH falling down stairs etc

I can only offer you sympathy because you know in your heart that only you can make that decision. It is going to be so hard but make it you must. We have left it too late the sheer logistics on moving are beyond me so we will stay until someone else makes the decision and does the work involved. Are you perhaps waiting for your
H to decide without your input so you won't make him feel guilty and you don't feel you have pre- emptied him getting worse physically?