Toddler and a new baby !

Last weekend my five year old GS and his one year old sister had a breakthrough. He'd put up and was playing with his wooden train layout, usually she bustles over and, to his fury, takes up a piece of track. This time there was a separate bridge so I handed her a locomotive and she spent about 10 minutes happily pushing it up and laughing as it went down the other side. Not quite 'playing together' but certainly playing peaceably near each other.

My first son was barely 2 years old when his sister was born. When I arrived home with her, he was rather cool with me for a few hours and my mother was really worried. She kept trying to make him 'give mummy a cuddle' but he was reluctant. He soon realised that the baby was often put down and that I was free to play. We didn't worry too much about dusting and hoovering. Cuddles and hugs were soon restored. I offered him everything his sister was getting, including milk from my breast! He only tried that once before realising he didn't want it! We did have a lot of fun and laughter pretending to change his nappy even though he was potty trained. He certainly didn't want to take as many naps as she was having!

I had more problems with the younger one being jealous of attention given to his two older siblings and the same has now happened with my daughter's children. It did all pass over but was hard at the time trying to reassure all three that we loved them equally.

Years ago I heard Mia Kellmer Pringle tell a story to a group of mothers expecting their second child.

'Imagine' she said, 'that you have been happily married for several years to a handsome and loving man. Then he comes home one day with a luscious blonde hanging on to his arm, much younger than you and much prettier. And he says, 'Darling, this is Anne. She's going to live with us from now on because I love her. I still love you just as much as ever but now I love her too. Isn't that lovely?' Then she paused and let the story sink in and added, 'You'd kill her.'

It was a superb way to help us to understand how baby 1 feels when baby 2 arrives. I've never forgotten it.

Many years ago I heard Wendy Greengross on the radio and what she said put everything into perspective for me. Basically, it is healthy that the jealousy comes out and the child feels it can show it. If a child feels they have to suppress their jealousy it will warp their personality in later life and can have a disastrous effect on the whole family. Finally, she said ' imagine that your husband came home with another woman and said I love you both and we are all going to live together'.
The jealousy did pass and my daughter and her brother are two of the closest siblings anyone has ever known.

I was lucky with number 2 (same age difference) because he was a very contented baby; ate, kept clean and slept! so DD got a lot of attention and I encouraged her to 'help' me bathing him etc.
She did regress with her potty for a while though.

Like many children with a new sibling, DGD got lots of presents and fuss when her brother arrived. It was the period after that she regressed, so that is the time when parents need to start focussing on the older child. Perhaps they could divide and rule, while one concentrates on the baby, the other gives time and attention to the older child.

I think the main thing is to be aware is that this behaviour is understandable and treated sensitively by all, it will pass. For DGD, once her brother was sitting up and crawling and could be bossed around and played with everything sorted itself out. Now, despite a three year age difference, being different genders and completely different personalities with different interests they are a formidable team and deeply protective of each other.

Lots of love and attention and no suggestion that the baby is in any way nicer or better behaved than him. There is no reason why he should have wanted a baby interfering with his life, it will be months before it becomes any sort of playmate, so he shouldn't be expected to be overjoyed. Do you remember the elderly nanny on TV who was helping a poor little boy who had been completely pushed out by a new baby and was being either ignored or nagged by his parents. They were amazed when she pointed out that he was still only a baby himself.

Lots of love from mum and dad, baby taking second place when he is there and attention from visitors especially GP. He needs reassurance he has not been replaced.

It goes with the territory of course.

Our DGD changed a great deal when her baby brother was born - she definitely commands our attention now! We have each of them separately one day a week so that they can have lots of individual attention.

First children do get used to younger siblings being around - but it is a challenging time.