Sad friend

Yes I think he wants our life. I do feel sorry for him but I don't dwell on it. I posted because I'd just seen him.

It sounds as though he wants your life, rather than you pollyparrot - although he'd probably jump at the chance of having both!

You do seem to be rather over-concerned about this man and his marital problems. There are always two sides to any story.

amberdogxK9 he always asks how I am and wants to know about our latest trip in our camper van. He always says he's really jealous as he'd love a camper van.

arrived at not come to
(long tiring day)

Incidently, I've had my granddaughter all day to day and my dog hasn't been shut outside. There's really no need for that if a sensible approach to dogs and children is taken.

But that is your dog pollyparrot; if it is so easy and sensible could you come and have a chat to our neighbours please, it has been (nicely) mentioned. But they obviously don't trust the dog with the children.

We only know what you have posted, polly and as most people seem to have come to the same conclusion it must have been come to after consideration of the facts as presented to us.

We have helped a sad friend through a bereavement and I know how difficult it can be to be a support, but in his case his beloved wife had died. This man has not been bereaved and I think he needs to have a good think about his situation and remedy what is not right or move on. Perhaps making him face up to reality instead of listening to his whingeing sadness would help him to make a decision.
He needs to be more pro-active instead of off-loading on you all the time and causing you anxiety.

"polly"
When I was going through a bad patch with my second husband, a job share partner I only saw for 30 minutes a day - no doubt cheesed off with me whingeing about being unhappy at his latest failing , said -
"Happiness is a decision "

At the time I felt it smacked a little of the Reader's Digest inspirational quotes, but my word it did the trick. I decided to be happy in any circumstance and things improved.

It's nice to have an audience to bounce ideas and worries off, but I cannot help feeling this man is becoming addicted to his misery and a tad self indulgent.

Does he ever ask how YOU are ?

Well he's not going this time. I must admit, I like him much more than her. She says some strange things. For example we took our dog to France with us last year, in the campervan, and when she knew we were taking her she said it would be a worry for us losing the dog in France!

I'm surprised that 2 people who dislike each other so much go on holiday together.

That's your take on it pollyparrot, you may be right as you "know them both" but others may see it differently

It's amazing how much posters can assume from what I posted. As I know them both can I just say that she has everything all her own way and he doesn't get a look in. The worm seems to have turned slightly though, as he's now refusing to go to Wales in B & B, which he detests.

Every holiday they've had since they retired has been in B & B.

Incidently, I've had my granddaughter all day to day and my dog hasn't been shut outside. There's really no need for that if a sensible approach to dogs and children is taken.

pollyparrot, maybe his wife is so fed-up with his miserable-ness (not a word, I know) that she just can't wait for an excuse to get away to a B&B for a break from him. He sounds a bit like Eeyore the donkey.

How about your friend joined one of those places where volunteers walk the dogs of those who work/can't walk them? He would make friends and have contact with dogs without the responsability.

Dogs are lovely but they are a tie; perhaps now they are retired she wants him to buck up a bit and go away, she doesn't want to drag a caravan and all that entails with them (cooking, shopping, work) and have to find kennels for the dog. DH didn't want another dog and I don't want another caravan - compromise!

Our neighbours have a dog which they put out in the garden every time they look after the grandchildren so the --bloody thing- little dog squeals and yaps all day long .

Perhaps she just wants him to BUCK UP, go on some nice breaks and enjoy the family too!! Perhaps she is just fed up to the back teeth with him mooning around. He sounds like a wet weekend.

No, they don't Iam, and I think that if people genuinely want their partnership to survive, then they become good at those negotiations which enable both parties to feel they can respect each other's wishes while at the same time maintaining their own self respect and identity.

janeainsworth, I'm with you on the pillion thing as well. Luckily, Mr i am says he always knew if he shared his life with me, there would always be a dog or two and children around. I had those things when we met. He tolerated dogs initially but has formed a real bond with our big dog and takes her out for a pint with him and his pals.
Life long relationships have to have elements of love, friendship, shared/non shared interests and give and take. Situations like the one described by the OP don't happen overnight do they (do they?)

janeainsworth I'm with you on the whole pillion thing

I aspire to your 46 years :-)

n&g
I agree, 'forbid' is a strong word and implies an inequality in the relationship.
However there are some things that are accepted as a no-no.
Me riding pillion on a motorbike is one, and having a dog is another (though that's something we agree on).
We've chalked up 46 years

Sounds a bit unkind but I think it's about time he 'grew a pair' and did what makes him happy. Maybe even get a dog and look after it himself, not troubling his wife.

Did she used to rule the roost before the grandchildren?

It's ok Janeainsworth no need to hide

It's just as a grown up , even as part of a couple I don't see the need to ask 'permission' .We would probably discuss it but he would never forbid me .

39 years has its benefits

* Polly* that's just so sad... And an excuse

They used to have a dog, so it's not that she doesn't like them. She just thinks they are a tie, especially in bed and breakfast and they get in the way of the grandchildren.

n&g I'm afraid I'm going to upset you and all the other dog lovers now, but .............
If MrA brought a dog home without prior discussion, and announced that from now it was living in my house, he wouldn't see me for dust
<hides>

Can he afford a camper van? To use maybe occasionally for his own pleasure?
Maybe his wife would like it once she tried it...
Perhaps he could rent one for a weekend - to see if she would give it a go?

I agree with the suggestion about hiring a camper van. Seems to be you are playing the part of the barmaid as in 'my wife doesn't understand me'
How does your DH feel about your friendship with this man, and what does he suggest? In my experience men often don't see friendship as platonic, but as a way of worming their way into someone's life. For goodness sake don't allow this to spoil your happy marriage. I know my husband would not be happy if I were playing agony aunt to the husband in what is obviously a flawed marriage.

One thing struck me in the comments - he wants a dog but his wife says no????

I'm not sure that asking for permission to do things like that is sane or reasonable. I love dogs, always have , my husband tolerates them ( although our current dog Sam is his best mate and if pushed will admit he loves him !)

I have never asked for permission to get a dog. I do the work. I pay their keep, purchase price, vets bills etc.

I'm a grown woman and therefore I make my own decisions. Its not that I don't take my husband into account , and if he was unable to tolerate a dog for medical reasons then that would be different.

But he doesn't ask me if he can play golf- its a given. I don't ask if I can go shopping.

Consideration and communication for sure but permission?

Im afraid Polly your friend will always be unhappy because he's a talker not a doer ! If he was that unhappy any reasonable person would do something about it I think.

Maybe your sympathetic ear just makes him feel better.