I went to visit my mum today............... .

Just a question for those of you who have had relatives on end if life care - were they on morphine?

Yes kitty my mum was on morphine but not sure when in her last 2 weeks it began. It was given because she became distressed when moved and seemed to be in pain.

"Added to which, Mum and I have always had a very difficult relationship so I have bouts of feeling guilty for just wanting to get organised. And, I suppose because of this situation, all the old slights and hurts keep coming back to the surface. I find that more upsetting that the situation."

Oh - how I can identify with that kitty - please don't feel guilty. Just because someone is nearing the end of their life, it does not mean that they suddenly become someone else; and if they were difficult to live with before, those memories cannot be wiped out, and nor should they be.

My Mum was a challenge - a bitter lady who was disappointed in life. That often made her hard to be with - not just for me, but for others too. During her last illness she had no idea who I was and it felt painful to think that it was too late to resolve our differences - not that I realistically think that that would have been possible anyway. You are helping her all you can now by your visits and by arranging good care for her.

When the end came for Mum it took me a while to reconcile what might have been with what really was; but I am at peace with it all now, as you will be in your own time. Your Mum will depart this life as the person she always was; and who she is/was is not in your control. You have nothing to berate yourself for, and nothing to feel guilty about.

Another one here who felt nothing when my mother died. I had done everything for her so felt no guilt, no remorse just sadness at what she missed by not wanting to be a loving member of our family.
She was twice widowed and was jealous of anyone in a happy marriage and so jealous of my relationship with my C.
You will be surprised how you feel kitty I certainly was.

That is what I think will make me sad - the fact that there will be no more chance for Mum to be the mum I want her to be. Not that she would have been however long she lived.

Exactly kitty - feel sad, by all means, but do not feel guilty. I was sad when Mum died, and the fact that she had been hard to get on with compounded that, but their was no need for guilt.

It is very emotional when we have a concept/dream of how a mother should be, but we have not been lucky enough to have that in our lives - it feels so fundamental. As you rightly point out, she would never have been that person, however long she lived.

I feel sad that my mother's life was blighted by the huge chip (more like a plank!) on her shoulder about being a woman in a man's world. It made her very bitter and she took it out on my Dad in a big way. I feel sad at the wasted opportunities for her to be happy that this caused. But I cannot be responsible for that, any more than you can be responsible for the difficulties with your Mum. She is as she is, and, in spite of all, you are visiting and overseeing her well-being - so well done you.

It will be hard when she passes, but you will come to terms with it - I did and I am sure you will.

Oops - there not their.

Thanks luckygirl

Kitty re the question about morphine, both my parents died of cancer, one in hospital and one in a hospice. In both cases they were on morphine for the last few weeks of their lives. I wonder why you are asking.

My father was in a poor way the last week and the day before he died, the doctor who came to check on him ordered a diamorphine injection to be given to ease his pain. He turned to me and asked if I understood the implications of this. Apparently a side effect at that dosage that he needed is that the breathing can become depressed and may lead to death. He died the next day. Much the same with my mother in the hospice, but she had been on a morphine driver for some time. In both cases it was a merciful release.

I can totally sympathise kittylester, grannyactivist and others. My late grandma never ceased to amaze me.I would see her in the morning and the doctor would whisper in my ear that "the end was very close". She would struggle to breath and talk nonsense. Later the very same day I could visit and she would be sitting up, smiling and eating something or other and we could have a good old chin wag. I was totally unprepared when the end finally came and wish beyond all wishes that I could have been by her side.

KittyL as long as you have been the mother to your children that you wish you had had then you will be fine.

Thank you Stansgran - I can only hope so!

I asked jud because Mum is on morphine PRN and I wondered whether people who have still been alive months later have been on morphine all that time. Floundering in the dark really, I've never had a Mum on end of life care before and it's difficult to get an answer out of the staff at the home, understandably.

I think it depends on the dosage and the circumstances. If she were barely conscious with shallow breathing, I guess that a large dose of morphine (which can suppress breathing a bit) might tip the balance. But, on the other hand, there are people walking about and doing their jobs whilst on regular small doses of morphine - a friend of mine is in this situation.

Could you ask the GP? - or whoever has prescribed her drugs. Maybe ring him/her and just get a full understanding of what they mean by end of life care, so you can have some idea what to expect.

I agree with stansgran - I think that those of us with difficult Mums (and there are lots I think!) should pat ourselves on the back for making a good job of bringing up our own. My girls are just lovely and we have to take some credit for that - didn't get everything right by any means of course - but good enough is good enough. We can't all be perfect.

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Sorry, imagran, your post has confused me - but I am very tired!

We must all be very tired kitty!? Who could possibly make sense of that. This poster has had another post deleted. So should this one be.

My attention has been drawn to a post on the thread about elderly relatives driving. What a warped personality imagran must have.

I've noticed more than one from said poster annsixty

On other threads

Best ignored I think and they might go back under the bridge!

Hopefully !

Are we talking the rickety rackety bridge?