Granimosity

Just "the other one" would be good; with divorces and remarriages, ours have 4! We're pretty much one big happy family, but as I'm one of the step-grandmothers, and have none of my own, one of the others does like to put me in my place sometimes. But I just love them to bits, cherish the time I do get to be with them, stand by ready to lend a hand when asked, and never never offer advice!

I've never had a problem with granimosity. My eldest grandchildren don't know their maternal grandmother due to a family rift - my dil hasn't spoken to her mother for years. Her parents were divorced so they didn't know their grandfather either so we are very close to them both although not in distance anymore as they moved 2 hours away 8 years ago. As my other 2 new grandchildren were born in NZ and their maternal grandparents live close by they see them a lot and often babysit but I find that reassuring that they have a support network around them. They are lovely people and we get on really well with them - they have stayed with us prior to my son and dil emigrating so have no animosity towards them at all. My own parents were very close to my two boys as they grew up and moved to our town shortly after us so were literally round the corner. As an only child they were their only grandchildren and loved looking after them when they were younger. Their paternal grandparents had 3 other grandchildren and lived 60 miles away so didn't see so much of them but were good friends with my parents and often socialised before mine moved to us. Sadly all gone now - in some ways a relief as I know mine would have been devastated at my younger son emigrating - it was hard enough when the other one moved 2 hours away

When I asked my grandson which was his favourite grandma? He smiled and replied, 'Whatever one I'm with, grandma, and today it's you!'

I'm fantastically grateful that my DGD's other Grandma is a hands on one as its good to be able to share the childcare. When her mum, my DD, split with her dad it was touch and go as to whether they would have much input in her life. Now thankfully we all get on as well as can be expected for DGD's sake and it works very well. Maybe better than if they were together as neither side sees the others' Facebook entries/photos so no Nana envy here!

My own mother made it very clear that she didn't ever want to have a big part in the lives of all her GCs, my sisters and I found that very hard and it still upsets me. now that she is in her 80s, all of a sudden she is asking why her 9 GCs never contact her - they don't know her!

However, all four of us have had the most amazing MiLs. They are/were (some now dead, others casualties of broken marriages but still around and still in contact) brilliant grandmas. DBH's DPs have only just sent my DD (a step GC to them) some money to help with her study fees.

I get on really well with my GC's Nanna. She is lovely, and I am so grateful to her for looking after DD when she has been very ill a few times, as I am too far away to be able to do much. She looked after each GC at least three days a week, and as they are good, kind, well-behaved children I reckon she deserves some of the credit for how they are. I have them up here for a week three times a year, she has been here too. Sadly she has been very ill lately, my DD will be distraught if anything happens to her. So will the GCs.

I am a step-grandma, and I've got a rather different problem with one of the co-grannies - she doesn't feel I have any rights at all and is horrified that her two granddaughters, both of whom I've known since they were born, call me Grandma. In the case of the younger one, she didn't even let my DH know that his daughter (her daughter-in-law) had gone into labour and been rushed into hospital, while she had stepped in to look after the other child. (We don't live close enough to have helped out ourselves).

Her mantra is "Well, it's not as if you're their real grandmother, is it" , which is incredibly hurtful as I love both girls with all my heart. Happily, the other two grandchildren have a lovely granny who is delighted to share (again I've known these two since birth).

My DH's first wife who sadly died some years ago made it clear to all that in her view I was the children's grandma in all but blood, so The Other Granny's animosity is quite hard to take.

I had to laugh when my DGD ( aged 6 ) pretended that the postman delivered myself and her other nanny a Christmas card when we were both in her house together. We both oohed and ahhed over the cards and praised her handwriting and then I said "Oh dear - I seem to have more kisses on my card than Nanny Wendy" Ever keen to please us both she took the cards back and when she returned them she said "They have both the same number of kisses now nannies and I 've given you both extra because of what happened " - Ever the diplomat ! lol!
Me and Grandad live in Northern Ireland and my grandchildren are in England near their other nanny and grandpa - but thankfully we get on great and all spend time together as one big family when we visit

Agree with roses are red, never crossed my mind that I was in competition with my co grannies. We all get on very well together and see each other without DCs or DGCs. As did my parents and in laws, even after my 1st DH and I got divorced. What on earth is the point of feeling in competition, better than, worse than. We are all different and our DGCs will have something from each granny.

I live abroad and my DD lives next door to her in laws, so they are hugely supportive and helpful and see a lot of my DGCs. Do I mind? Of course not. they have a wonderful relationship with those GPs. What I love is the look on their little faces when I arrive to stay every three months and the cry of 'Grandma' and big big hugs. DD's MIL does a lot of childminding and says she is always pleased when I arrive during school holidays to take over. But we still find the time to spend some time alone together.

I am far too involved with enjoying my DGCs to think about how I might be missing out on something.

jingl I know it's a public forum. But it's worth reminding new members that anything they post is in the public arena.

There was that disgusting person who made very public a post by Phoenix in the nastiest way quite recently.

I think I love them so dearly because they are part of my children....

geeljay - I could never love my grandchildren more than my children - no matter how much I love my grandchildren I think my own children will always be my first love.

I feel very lucky as there's no granimosity whatsoever. My DiL makes sure both grannies see the baby every week (or whenever we want) and they even bought a house half way between us both, so it is the same distance to travel for us all! My daughter lives in the US and she is very even handed with her inlaws, although they don't live in the same state and some years we see them just as often. I get on very well with my DiL's mother, all of us spending Christmas together and I'm sure she doesn't mind the time I spend with our grandson.

I know that I'm the "other" granny for one of my grandchildren. But that's largely because I have loads to do and have chosen not to be a surrogate parent.

The other granny does not have lots to do and has no outside interests etc. She and/or grandfather go to see my grandson every single day - and then at weekends my dil and son often go to their home to visit - as that is what their whole family tend to do.

My own children are not local (other than this one son) so we just haven't ever had regular get-togethers at weekends etc. I DO grit my teeth about the reliance on this set of grandparents and wish my son/dil would build a little family life for themselves. After all, our generation won't be here forever and they need to grow in resilience as a family.

I think the relationships differ also because this is my son's baby, not my daughter's. But like a lot of things, whilst familiarity breeds love when they are tiny, so, later, when more mature, does quality - and things such as patience, listening, being honest.

I know from experience with my own children with one set of busy grandparents and one obviously doting (spoiling) set, that my children now love the "busy" grandmother dearly and talk about her and visit her quite a lot even though she's miles away.

There is plenty of love to go round - and so I know that things will be fine as this little chap grows up. I'm sure this will all work out for others too. Not being there all the time does not mean less love - and they know it.

I think the 'other granparents' are like the Engilsh feel about the French. We just don't like 'em, but we don't know why. Then when we meet up, and spend time together, find they are jolly, nice folk, who we would be pleased to have as friends. We all have the common bond, we love our 'kids' and even more our 'grankids', So what's not to like. Having had 4 children, all of whom are married, I am lucky enough to have the relatives fourfold.
They are each brilliant, in their own way. And an honour to share as relatives. Regards

I did have a big problem when DS & DDIL moved very close to her parents- mostly as the house prices were a lot less there. It is only 35 mins away but I was used to seeing DGS most days- a ten minute walk away. I got very upset when I was driving home knowing it would be a week or more before I saw them again & other gran would be there most days. However as the years go on it is me who has them to stay- a lot!- picks them up from school when needed & takes them out.
My other DS & family live quite close to us & the other GPs live further away & I was very determined never to let it seem I was seeing DGC more than they did as I knew how it felt. They do buy lots of presents but rarely visit so I just do whatever I am asked now.
Both DDIL are upset that their mums do not do as much as they think they should want to. It just goes to show that no 2 families are the same.
I think GC are very canny & soon see who really wants to be with them & when it is a bit of a chore.

Hi,

I always make a point of mentioning my DGrandson's other half of the family to him. I ask him about them and include them in our conversations. We even stop by his auntie's place of work if we are passing and she comes out to see him

If we talk about how many aunts and uncles he has, he always argues with me. as he does not consider my daughter and son to be
in that list of family members, but strangely he includes his mother's friends to be uncles and aunts, even though he calls my son and daughter auntie 'R' and uncle 'P' when he is here at our house.

I suspect the other lot do not mention us at all, and I have to let it not rankle with me, but in truth it does slightly.

The main thing is that he is loved and that's all that matters, even if the other lot do not have the milk of human kindness in them wink

He can work it all out for himself I am sure.

Well gee thanks jingl

I've got a feeling I might have lost you long ago annsixty

#anotherworld

Annsixty it wasn't a question my dear, it was an observation and I'm not talking about being close! Of course everyone will always be close to their own mother, well nearly everyone.

I'm just as "close" to my DS as his wife is to her mum, and my DGC mean just as much to me as the other granny.

I was very fair when mine were growing up. We shared times equally with both sets of grandparents. The very idea that Christmas and birthdays etc., should be spent purely with the wife's mother is very sad. Luckily, my DS agreed with me and put his foot down over this issue.

We live an hour and a half from DS2 and family and a bit further from DS1 and his family. DS2 lives in the same village as his inlaws and they collect GCs from school each day, so have a much more hands on relationship than we are able to.

DS1s in laws live further away than we do, but being the parents of DiL1, still get to see more of GS1.

We never get to spend Christmas with them (or they with us) though they all make an effort to see us very close to Christmas. It still feels unfair but it's something we've had to get used to.

As the mother of sons, it does seem that the DiLs parents get a bigger look in. The DSs seem to just 'go with the flow'.

At first this was very hard to come to terms with. No animosity between us as GPs as such, they're all lovely people. Just that we seem to have to take a back seat...

Tiggypiro, re your language problems, as b&b owners, the OH and I sometimes find our guests speak little or no English. To my amazement, I found him conversing with someone in Spanish via his iPhone. He spoke in English and the gadget translated into Spanish, and vice versa. I thought it might be something you could investigate? Modern science, eh!

Main issue with my co grandparents is that I have always worked, even when my children were little ( I worked in a Day Nursery until they were both in Infant/Junior School) and my children grew up with that idea. My daughter and ex son in law were both in the same job but my daughter went for every chance for promotion that came along whilst my ex son in law was happy to stay as he was. His parents (especially his Mum) thought she should give up her career and stay at home once the grandkiddies started to arrive whilst I was happy and willing to help out with childcare as and when they needed it to help my daughter continue with her career (I was still working full time at this stage so it took quite a bit of juggling at times). I don't think it has helped that I am a decade younger than they are and also have been widowed for almost 18 years so am quite independent (have been accused of behaving like a teenager which I find quite amusing!). I tend to ignore their comments as I enjoy the relationship I have with my grandkiddies and, if they are happy that is all that matters to me.

I'm the paternal Granny . My son and his wife met at sixth form college so we were both local families. That was twenty years ago and we've become one family. In fact the other Granny and I get together socially.

Dear merlotgran, Sympathy. The other granny doesn't "get" me and I makes comments about clothes I make for the grandkids. She winds me up, but when I feel myself getting mad I remind myself how awful she looks with gone- south bust. Wouldn't dream of telling her to get a decent bra & hair cut though! Bitchy, moi??

I think you answered your own question Polly your DiL feels much closer to her own mother. It is not her M,'s expectation ,it is her choice.

My DiL's parents are delightful people who have been very kind to me and - what I am most grateful for - they have taken my senior GD as a step GD (ie she is my DS's DD by a former relationship) and treated her as one of their family. GM, a lovely person is having terrible health problems ATM and I'm so sad for them. DS2's partner's mum lives much further away so I don't know her so well. But she is also a kindly person and she too is quite poorly. None of us lives close enough to the GC to be helpful with child care - there can be no rivalry on that score!