Dear tracyb I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Is it possible for you to write to your daughter to try to set things straight? If you can do this in a measured way, without resorting to the spitefulness you feel her father has exercised, she may begin to discern where the truth lies.
In my own experience, even though my ex had an affair and left, my children were incredibly loyal to him, even though they hated what he had done. I did not speak ill of him to them -they made up their own minds over time. I answered their questions truthfully when asked and as calmly as I could and I did not put them in a position of having to take sides.
This does not seem to be the case with your husband and this seems incredibly unjust. However, if you feel strong enough to speak up for yourself, try to avoid being overly critical of him, rather focus on your sense of sadness and confusion at the distance that has grown between you. Perhaps if you can do this in writing you will be more likely to say all that you feel needs to be said and your daughter will then have time to process it all - in her own time. Do you think she might then pass on information to your sons?
I can only begin to imagine your pain at losing your sense of relationship with your grandchildren and it seems only fair that your children should consider things from your side.
If you do decide to write, you may want to draft and redraft a letter over many days to ensure that it focusses on leaving the way open for rebuilding with you, rather than recriminations about what is past.
I know this will not be easy, but I hope it helps.
hugs x
