What are acceptable manners online?

Thanks Sadiesnan for beginning this thread. I think it is a really good topic for us. The phrase ' Do as you would be done by' comes to mind.

We are often discussing emotive topics which, at times, evoke strong replies. Not everyone is robust - this should not mean that they have less value, but if we recognise this, then as a 'community for all' I think we should bear it in mind.

As a newbie, when I first visited this site and read around many of the threads I was a bit surprised at the 'cut and thrust' of some discussions. Whilst it is true that we can all avoid a thread that we feel is not to our taste, I honestly think there are times when people must feel hurt.

Perhaps if we feel very vehemently and differently from a former poster, we should take care to check and measure our responses because they are in the public domain and that can add extra weight and impact. Alternatively, I think a PM could be a more sensitive route at times.

My only other experience of a chat forum has been a bereavement forum and people are especially gentle there for obvious reasons, but that gentleness would not go amiss here at times. I do not want to appear judgemental, but I think these sentiments have been echoed here already and it is a great pity to think that some people have felt put off joining in what is clearly a vibrant and deeply supportive meeting point.

wendysue, the current Soop Kitchen is here.

You can find it on chat or active conversations. I misunderstood , thinking it confrontational but apparently it was started as somewhere you can go where it is not confrontational. I don't understand the bits that I have dipped into, obviously people know each other and can follow the conversations.

What is "Soop's Kitchen?" Is in on Gransnet? I can't seem to find it.

Well, I've only been here a little while, so there's probably a lot I haven't seen. But most of the people here seem fairly supportive and friendly to me. Even when they disagree, most seem to do it calmly and kindly. Once or twice, I've seen a post that seemed a little harsher to me, but nothing like what I've seen on some other forums or in some conversations on FB. I know it's partly the rules here that prevent it, but I think it's the (lovely, for the most part) people here, also.

As for me, I generally give a lot of thought to what I post and even preview it before I actually post it. Cuz we only have words here. As another poster said, we can't see facial expressions. And we can't really know the "tone" for sure, even if we think we do. So I'm very careful about my words, probably more so than if I were talking to a person face-to-face. I'm not afraid to disagree with someone - I don't think we should have to be - but I try to do even that with compassion, if I can.

Even so, sometimes after I've posted something, I reread it and think it sounds a little harsh and so forth. So I'm sure some people who come across as being a little "too blunt" don't realize how their posts sound. I certainly don't mind someone coming out and saying it if someone has hurt their feelings. If that person was me, I'd definitely be ready to apologize. I'm not here to hurt anyone.

OTOH, I don't worry too much if someone says something harsh to me on an Internet forum. Again, I have no way of knowing, most of the time, if they meant it to sound that way. And it's not as if we know each other IRL or are going to meet in person (unless we choose to, I suppose). So it may sting for the moment, but I generally get over it easily. Haven't encountered this here, though, I'm happy to say. Not so far, anyhow.

I don't say anything online that I wouldn't say in RL. I suppose the difference is that I would probably opt for saying nothing in RL or people don't ask for my opinion.

Of course it cuts both ways too. Sometimes when we might feel a bit abashed asking or offering in RL (stiff upper lip and all that) it is easier to express emotions such as grief, or sympathy as we get time to phrase our responses accordingly.

There is currently a thread on grief on GN. People have managed to express their feelings of loss in a way, and just as importantly, at a time they may not have felt able to in RL.

My experience in RL of trying to express grief is that most people are embarrassed and don't know what to say, whereas on GN people have found the words to acknowledge the pain of others.

That's what I meant by 'it cuts both ways' and I'm not talking about simple expressions of 'politeness' but genuine understanding.

So IMO it's not like RL.

I agree with your post Luckygirl.

What are acceptable manners online? - very much like acceptable manners in RL I would think. Only addition to that is the fact that we cannot see or hear the recipient of the post and therefore need to err on the side of caution as we cannot judge how tough that person is feeling at that moment in the same way as we can in RL.

Lively debate and lots of different and interesting views, expressed in a pleasant and respectful manner.

Write as you would speak to the person in a 'face to face' situation, why do people want to 'stir things up'

It's my maxim in life to always be polite. In my opinion there is rarely any excuse to be rude, whatever your feelings about a subject. Do as you would be done by! I shudder sometimes when I read things people post - particularly in response to Twitter posts. I wonder what they think gives them the right to be so personally offensive to people they've probably never met? It's all very odd in my opinion. I assume they feel 'safe' hidden behind their keyboard, but it is a part of the internet that I dislike.

Sometimes I think I'm old and out of touch, but my three DDs are also polite and don't post horrible things, so I don't think so. I think it's more down to manners.

Yes, I think sometimes it's a case of other people replying to what they think you meant. I've seen cases where people ask for advice, which is very brave, and someone wades in making all sorts of assumptions about that person. Obviously from a few posts it's impossible to know much about the poster.

I read where someone had posted about their illness and the way it had affected them. Someone waded in and roundly berated them for making it all sound easy and that might upset someone else who was struggling. In fact, the OP never even mentioned the word easy. The OP came back on very upset and made is very plain that easy wasn't a word they'd ever have used.

I think in cases like that an apology would be good.

I have frequently upset people on here, I tend to type as I think, sometimes my stuff gats taken out of context or maybe I should think more. Im really not the monster some of you think me. I will try harder to be tactful, however I am always honest.

Are you sure you're on the right thread Absent?

The short answer to the OP is few and far between.

PS I also keep in mind someone might be having a bad day.

Well, there's a thing. I've been on forums for donkey's years and never heard some of the thoughts on this thread. It does go some way to explain why compared with lots of posters it takes me so long to write a post. I take the time to make sure I'm not going to cause offence, so I rarely 'fire off a reply'. In RL I love a good argument and my whole family are opinionated. Maybe on message boards I want to be liked too much.

There's another board I'm on where we have two 'safe haven' threads, but it's the same people who post there and know what's going on in each other's lives, so it's hard to just pop in.

This board is very civilised, but MN is a bear pit.

I hate it without paragraphs too, but it tends to happen when someone is distraught and wants help, so a cold 'if you want me to read it you need to write in paragraphs' isn't very nice.

( I thought Soop's kitchen was about cookery so never ventured in. )

sadiesnan when I lable my packs of home made soup to put them in the freezer I have been known to write (whatever) "soop" on them.

Leticia I can see munsnet readers point. I find huge blocks of text without paragraphs very difficult to follow.

The "getting started" bit of the site does say please use paragraphs.

I thought the Soop Kitchen was for soup recipes.

Just think, MN members are the future GN members!

MN can be very cruel- someone pours their heart out with some dreadful problem and then gets a reply that it needs paragraphs!
It is quite common for someone to say 'get the popcorn in' meaning they are treating the fall out as entertaining.
I have been asked if I can read, or if I mean to be so obtuse.
Gransnet is very mild in comparison.

Thanks - it makes sense now! I clicked at random and couldn't find anything remotely confrontational!

confrontational

I think you've misunderstood, Leticia. Soop's Kitchen started as an antidote to the more confrontation threads some time back...