What are acceptable manners online?

People have PMed me on MN when I have got a hard time, they agree but won't say so online.
Soop's kitchen seems to be full- I couldn't work out what it was about , other than chat, so can't see why it was confrontational- it seemed quite boring!

Yes , I agree I've peeped into Mumsnet but it's far too robust and 'lifelike' for me and if I'm brutally honest too much swearing. It's a pet hate of mine so if that's the language of the day I know its not for me.

I will have to look in Soop's kitchen - never one I have thought of opening.
I have asked advice on here, and it has been helpful, but I certainly wouldn't in MN unless it was something simple like a good oven cleaner!

l've only ever joined three forums, and this is by a country mile the least confrontational and the best mannered of them. Mumsnet for instance can be terrifying, as well as endlessly entertaining. You wouldn't want to go asking for advice on there if you don't feel able to debate with or just to ignore the ones that tell you what you might not want to hear And though some of them no doubt take advantage of the anonymity, a lot of them are probably just behaving as they do in RL, as do most of us, don't we?

Soop's kitchen is great, but surely no one would want a whole forum lacking in robust discussion or honest views? Where we all just sensitively agree with one another, tiptoeing on eggshells just in case someone might be having a bad day? I'm in no way advocating rudeness here, but there's a huge middle ground.

Perhaps I'd better do a couple of

Gransnet is very kindly compared to Mumsnet!

I personally disagree with comments about having to toughen up if you come on a forum. This not a war zone, and you can make your point in a debate without necessarily hurting anyones feelings.

As a relative newcomer , long time lurker I have seen a few posts that phrased differently might not have raised an eyebrow but grinning emoticons or not , have gone for the jugular so it does not surprise me in the least to see a couple of comments about agreeing in a PM but not on the board. Not everyone wants to be a target and nor should they be.

I also agree with a comment about the difference between a debate i.e on the Politics boards (where there often seems to be lively and heated debate) and a support board where it's about a personal situation close to someone's heart.

I wonder if , as the average age of the posters on Gransnet must be on the older side if we have reached that place where we believe age has given us the 'right' to speak our minds regardless of fear or favour? I remember my Mum would tell it like it is.... and that always involved hurting someone's feelings but that was OK because she believed she had right and age on her side,

It's always interesting to see everyones views especially where questions like this are posed.

Another aspect is that all of us have different standards of what can be said, tolerated, before everybody falls out. We carry that over onto forums.
Husband comes from a very loud, male dominated family, they were always arguing loudly, but soon got over it. Whereas my family was quiet and restrained, and tended to bear grudges. So he enters into some online arguments with all guns blazing, whereas I try to be more compromising. I think.
Living with him has made me more thick-skinned though.

It is a place where you can be forthright. I hope that I am not too forthright but if I think someone has ideas that are wrong then I will say so.
I wouldn't if someone was asking for advice, but if it is just a debate then I would put what I really think.
A simple example is being asked to comment on a choice of baby name- if in RL they say they have chosen a name that I don't like I would go for a tactful 'how unusual' or 'it is interesting how the old names are coming back' but online I will tell them my real opinion. (But only if they haven't already named the child)

You obviously have taken my comment differently to the way it was meant Jinglebellfrocks. As I said, a good example of the problem . Going away from this thread now.

I think you've hit the nail squarely on the head roses (15:20:33) I'd never thought of that aspect of it, but yes, you are right. It's not the same as real life.

sadiesnan surely letting someone know they have got on your tits (as you so eloquently put it ) is being 'tough'? Otherwise you'd wimp out and say nought.

I try to reply online in the same way I would face to face.
I have met a few of you and all seemed to be normal human beings. I don't presume to know anyone on here well enough to be personal or confrontational about any subject.

"there are a few who like to 'put the cat among the pigeons"

How can that be misunderstood?

And the rather patronising bit about them being "harmless" doesn't actually help at all.

There's still a place for manners though and remembering the person you are replying to is a human being.

All of which goes without saying, that effing and blinding at somebody on here is out of order.But within forum guidelines is fine.

With real friends and neighbours, people in the work place etc, we have to be very diplomatic, unlike a forum or writing a letter to a newspaper.In other words, we are constantly minding our p's and q's with friends and family,but a forum for opinion does not have those constraints , which is a relief as a lot of us have enough walking on eggshells with those in RL.If we feel unable to give our real opinions on here then there is no point.If anyone feels that Gnett is too robust for them ( have they ever seen other forums?) then they should probably not be on a forum at all.

Just like some, in real life conversations. The difference might be that online people hide behind anonymity and get carried away. Just saying...

This is a forum for opinion not a vicars tea party.We probably all have things going on in our lives ( medical, financial, family worries) but we would never post anything if it was over thought before we posted, and then it would be bland to the point of boring.As long as we post within forum guidelines then that is ok.Some who start threads really only want opinion which agrees with their own.

Is it right to say we should be tougher online? Probably yes, no point in getting upset really but is it wrong to say when someone has upset or irritated you? I look at a post and yes if it's got on my tits, then I'll say so. Isn't life a bit like that? Otherwise folk walk all over you. That was my experience at work.

Jinglebellfrocks. I was.in no way judging anyone. You will note the smile at the end of my post.i am happy for all to express their views. Your reply is a good example of someone's well intentioned post being misunderstood.

I really don't think you can generalise as there is án ebb and flow to threads. They can get heated somethings when feelings run high, or if someone takes something amiss when nothing was meant. And some people just object to anything which wouldn't pass the 'the cucumber sandwich Vicar?' test.

There are a lot of strong women in GN (and a couple of men) and you are going to get some confrontation and upset on certain threads. I'm always moaning that political threads are dominated by certain factions that shout down opinions that don't march with their own political leanings.

But that's life! I have the choice to stay on that thread and stamp my turf or wander off to another less snarly thread. And there are other threads where you can be cosy and supported.

Like jingl I've had to toughen up but I'm not sure that's a bad thing.

What have I missed this time?

Of course, if someone ends a comment with we sometimes thing 'you swine, you think you can soften the blow by adding a smiley; y'can'tfoolme!.....'

I've been on various forums and FB groups for years and have seen how often someone has posted something which has been taken out of context and caused a huge argument amongst everyone. I have spent so long sometimes making sure I've given the right response I've actually missed the boat and ended up deleting it and not replying at all! The same sometimes happens in an e-mail when the recipient has fired off a response without fully reading the message properly. My boss was very brusque in his mails and came across as someone pretty rude when in actual fact he's a really nice guy. It's harder to express emotions in writing even if you add at the end!

Oh yes I know what you mean jings I can think of a few recent threads where I have "dared" to disagree with the majority and have received support by PM. I wouldn't call those people "cowardy custards" though as they probably just want to keep their true feelings private.

and be everyone's bestest friend

I've made some great friends on gransnet but am trying to avoid it as much as possible these days, apart from the film and tv sections. I don't feel that people should have to develop a thick skin to be on a forum .