A bit of a moan

Thanks for all the de-moaning thoughts!

tanith - go girl - get out there!

Oh dear reading this thread has made me realise how difficult I am , its me that doesn't want to go places. OH likes to socialise he has plenty of friends at his bowls/snooker club and is often out at matches Summer and Winter, he has always tried to involve me but I've always found socialising difficult and stressful. I even find eating out hard although I do it often, I do plan trips out and holidays and I'm fine when its just the two of us or with our family. He is always suggesting a shopping trip or such and I know I sometimes make some excuse just so I can stay home.

After reading how it affects you all I realise how selfish I'm being so my New Years resolutions shall be to accept more of his suggestions and try and go with flow a bit more..

Luckygirl you have my sympathy, also Alea and other posters with the same problem.?

My DH and me both love going out. We always used to go to a party in a pub with my sister and brother-in-law but unfortunately the landlord stopped holding the party for some reason. Our DD goes out with friends and most other people we know are staying in this year, so its just me and DH. He suggested we take a walk to a local pub but last year there was a group on and it was very crowded, mostly with families and I felt like we were a pair of Billy no-mates. As I said on another thread, I find New Year's Eve depressing for some reason. I am with Nellie in that New Year's Eve doesn't fill me with hopeful expectation. Let's hope I'm proved wrong

My DH is not averse to going out BUT it is with mutual friends or just me! He is reluctant to meet new folk or to try new things. he still does some freelance work but I am worried for when he is fully retired. He is a 'routines' kind of person with few hobbies etc. and I am the opposite and whilst that has been complementary in our marriage I worry when we are home together all the time it will be trickier! Each stage of our lives brings new , often unwelcome, challenges!

Now know that I am privileged to be wanted and loved and I do appreciate that; but I am sure you can see how hard it is for me to go out in a stress- free way when this is said every time. I do feel that I am missing out on many of the lovely things that my friends are able to do

I do hope you are able to get out more, perhaps with your family and/or friends in 2016 Luckygirl.
The husband of my dearest friend used to get very anxious indeed if she went anywhere with me or with a group we were in. She found it very difficult to get him out anywhere or away on holiday, he wasn't well and she worried about him if she went out. I don't want to sound depressing but my friend suddenly died (it was an enormous shock to us all). Now he has a new lady friend and seems fit and well, is out and about and does as he is told seems like a new person.
I know it is difficult living with an invalid but sometimes psychological pressure is used without them realising they are doing it, especially in long-term relationships.

We are going to a friend's for a meal tonight but really hubby doesn't want to go. I have to provide a lot of the initiative to do things eg suggestions and book holidays etc. It has always been like that really but I would love him to do some of the planning. I am energised by socialising and DH is the opposite!!

I am very interested in this thread for so many reasons. It's all about compromise, isn't it. An illness is just plain unfortunate and of course there has to be some give and take. Just not wanting to isn't really playing fair, is it. I used to think being married meant doing everything together but I can see that's obviously not true. As my OH gets older he wants to do less and less and the choice is do nothing, cajole him into doing something he'd rather not do or doing it alone. Having watched my SIL do almost nothing for much of the last 10 years of her marriage (including crafts because they were frowned upon) and be very miserable, and seeing her really embracing life now that she is a widow, the lesson is clear. I'm going for the compromise approach and will apply the give and take principle because we really do only have one life...

This is so sad. I've always known how lucky I am with OHs attitude to life (he bought a Hotrod this year) if you don't know what they are look up the film American Graffiti)
Nothing stops him. I wanted to go to a Museum in Nancy (France) and then onto a castle in Bavaria ( he's driving) This as well as towing a boat back from Spain.
I know how good he is, but these posts reinforce it.

Happy New Year, all on Gransnet!!

One good thing about not being able to go out for New Years Eve is to wake up tomorrow morning feeling mighty smug because I haven't got a hangover!! [had one today, instead, so got it out of the way]

So I am not alone!

I have just spent the morning in town to pick up some glasses and do a bit of shopping, and as I left he said what he always says: "Please, please, please take care - you are all I have left now."

Now know that I am privileged to be wanted and loved and I do appreciate that; but I am sure you can see how hard it is for me to go out in a stress- free way when this is said every time. I do feel that I am missing out on many of the lovely things that my friends are able to do (and one of them, like my OH, has PD but is so much more upbeat about it than OH) - some my age and some much older - and I would love to do things together. I see this as a window of opportunity to do things before we really do become too old to go out and enjoy life, and I fear that it is flowing by us.

Mostly I accept it but now and again I feel sad about it - usually in the winter when it is gloomy. I hate watching TV!!

It was brought to a head by the fact that a couple of our friends have been asked by another couple of our friends to go out for a New Year meal - they missed us out because they knew that OH would say no - but I would have said yes! It brought home to me that we are being cast in the role of unfit/disabled and to be left out of stuff. Ouch!

All good New Year wishes to those who are in a similar situation - I will drink a toast to you all

I totally commiserate with all of you because mine will only go out to where and when he wants to go, if I suggest something it's poo poo'd (and that includes holidays), but no more.

I've decided that this is the year that I get my way ?. And if he goes away again leading up to Christmas then I shall go away, on my own, for the festivities

Loopylou has rebelled!

I doubt if my DH would do anything 'social' unless I suggested or organised it, but that's nothing new for me. He has no friends of his own and if he does anything it's with me and my/our friends. I think we can all get fed up now and again and this is a perfect place to get it off our chests. It does bring me down though and sometimes I feel like running away - except it's me with the poor health so I wouldn't get far.

Alea and all (((Hugs))) My OH is always reluctant to go hard work to out with for a meal, he does not like the stress of strange places or dealing with waiters ordering etc.

I feel I have just about survived Christmas. New Years eve certainly does not fill me with hopeful expectation. I think the pessimist in me comes out thinking what can go wrong or get worse next year.

I really need to live "in the moment."

Why is it that so many men, far more than women, seem to get this reclusive streak. Set in their routines.

No one is moaning here, just expressing natural sadness and disappointment at how things are sometimes. Those we love to bits sometimes drive us crazy! I dread my oh having any health problems, he's such a wimp even with a sniffle!

I don't think you're a moaning Minnie either Luckygirl you are just (quite rightly) feeling a bit fed up with the situation you find yourself in. DH and I will not be going out tonight either. Local restaurants too expensive on NYE and DH is not really a stand in the pub kind of man. My Sister and her boyfriend are hinting at me cooking (again) but I did Christmas and am hosting a family party on Saturday so feel it's a bit much to be honest. Plus if My sister comes to mine I will have to invite my parents (you have no idea what my family are like) as I would be made to feel terribly guilty if I didn't.

Why do I have MUG written across my forehead?

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Oh how I understand and empathise with you all!!
DH's poor health has put paid to much any going out, holidays are a memory and even what should have been a lovely Christmas in Somerset with the whole family was a struggle. He more than once made it clear that he wanted to go home, but I dug my heels in and cajoled him into staying on. We were in a gorgeous luxury lodge (see pics) with wonderful views, so it should have been perfect, but no, it was"too hot" inside, severe indigestion after an ill-judged meal at a services on the A303 meant we could not go out to Lyme Regis with the younger ones or go Montacute or Barrington, because he was too stiff to walk anywhere, but strangely recovered on the day we were driving home.
I am pretty cheesed off with the realisation that his "routine" has become such a straitjacket for both of us. He cannot be left alone for more than a max of 1 night so I cannot do more than have a day out. Like others I sometimes feel guilty as I am not the one with the health issues, but God it's hard to keep cheerful, keep 100% fit and well, be responsible for all organisation, driving, packing, carrying, shopping laundry and staying positive.
Moan away, ladies I hear you and am joining in!!

I don't think your a moaning mini, you always sound like the kindest, patient person I know ( virtually of course)

I posted on the other thread Luckygirl my thoughts are with you and will add ,holidays, what are holidays? I am trying to organise with DD but things proving tricky as changes in others circumstances are changing.

I don't think you are being a moaning minny and I had just this conversation with some ladies yesterday about men who don't want to do anything as they get older. I think you have to either make him do it somehow or do somethings on your own or both. Its not a wonderful solution but you aren't alone in this dilemma. I have persuaded DH to go to a neighbours NYE party for a drink and he says - 'it is juts one drink isn't it' - might not be sweetie pie.

Well, we are in after quite a few years of going out and am looking forward to it. So will make it a good evening of either watching something we really enjoy on playback or a good film. You could get lost in some good music or book.

I must admit that my DH is happier in than out but I am the opposite. We have spent quite a few years celebrating New Year either at a restaurant or at friends which we did enjoy, but honestly it is only one evening and isn't the end of the world after all is said and done (isn't there a song with that title?) Plan something good for the New Year.

If I remember rightly from previous threads Lucky you do have outside interests, music, etc?

I suppose that you'll have to learn to not feel bad when you leave him behind at home, or in a holiday cottage. Presumably it's currently safe to leave him alone, that may not be the case in the future so you have to live your life as much as you can, albeit a parallel life.