This is selfish ... sorry

I agree with what you say, Letiticia, but with respect, I think that losing a partner when you're getting on a bit and are feeling even more vulnerable due to the problems of old age must be different (not worse of course) to losing a partner when you're relatively young.

Either way the loss has to be dealt with somehow, of course.

Marmight is also correct. Don't waste time before you have to worrying about it. I may have been 'brisk' the first answer, but there is no 'sugar coated' reply. It is hard- you will cope.

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! There is a thread at the moment on bereavement wondering how long it hurts for - and I haven't even read it- I really don't think people want to know the truth.
I agree with MOnica.

Plan to manage alone, e.g make sure that you know your finances, the name of the plumber etc- all the practical things but you can't prepare emotionally.
You might die first anyway.

It is hard, when my father died so many people said that they admired the way that my mother coped and I thought 'if only you knew......' But as she was putting so much effort into a good front I merely agreed.

Leticia, I haven't had your experience, but have experienced a very dear sister being killed in a road accident and also seeing how my parents, then in their late 70s, dealt with the loss of their daughter. When these things happen, you cope, because the alternative is so much worse.

Nowadays we like to pretend that we and those close to us are immortal but we aren't, to quote: 'In the midst of life is death, death will come to one and all'. However close we are to our DH and how ever long or short our marriage/partnerships have been, an end will come. Better to plan how we will manage when we are alone rather than wonder how we will cope.

I am with Leticia. It is horrible, but it has happened and you have to get on with it. Some cope better than others; you just do your own thing and do your best, which very often is not good enough. This will be my 4th Christmas without DH and, TBQH, I am finding it the worst one yet as I will not be at home so haven't bothered with the usual preparations and feel like a fish out of water, floundering without purpose..... However, life is too short to worry about the 'what ifs' and 'what happenses' until you need to - apart from making yourself aware of all the usual stuff like paperwork and how things work. Make the most of the time you have, live in the now, not the future - you will soon enough be living in the past, full of regret and sadness..... Sorry if that is hard and upsetting, but it's fact!
to all my fellow widow/ers especially at this difficult time

"jings" I too watch my much loved other half getting older and more reliant on me, and my worry is not so much what will I do if I am left alone (probably because I can't bear the thought!) but what will he do, if I die and leave him to cope?

I am sorry if it was a bit brisk- it was supposed to be helpful!

I have been there- I was a widow with a baby before I was 30yrs old.
I was speaking a truth- you can't possibly imagine it if you haven't experienced it,so don't try.
It is like being flooded - we can imagine it but we can't really know unless we are flooded. Friends whose house burnt down said the same- you can't imagine what it is like , even though you think you can.
Therefore don't worry about it- live for the moment.

I didn't put it because it seems so trite - but I will because it is true- 'it is better to have loved and lost than never loved'.
If you take the risk of great happiness you also risk great unhappiness. I think the risk worth taking. I must have done since I am married again.
I am not going to waste time worrying about going through my worst nightmare again.

I hope that explains my first post - which I still stand by.
You have seen it Janeainsworth in others, but you don't know what it is really like. I do.
You cope - there is no choice.

I am watching my OH deteriorate - it is not great.

I thought it was only me who had these thoughts. I, too, dread the thought of my DH passing. How will I cope etc. I know I will but it scares me to think that our life now seems to be rushing away. I just want to stop it right now so it doesn't go any faster. I just hate this growing old. And yes I know there is nothing I can do about it. Its my 70th soon and I cannot get my head round it. I remember my mother used to say the same thing and I couldn't understand but boy I do now. She must be up there saying "told you so"!!!! I get cheesed off by all those folks who say getting old is wonderful. They're usually celebs who have a fortune stashed away! Golly what a miserable old trout I am today. Probably because my dear son is in NZ and just popped into an email today that theyre getting my darling 1st grandchild christened there in a week! Hey ho.

I do think about it. Hate to see DH ageing. It's just so not right. He has always been young (in my eyes).

Try not to meet trouble halfway. Live for today. Be happy now. [cake]

for you too canarygirl.

Goodness Leticia that was a bit brisk, wasn't it?
I am grateful for every day I have MrA here with me. I have seen how very hard and difficult it has been for others. I have no idea how they cope in those dark, lonely times.
Crow and Ana for you both, you are in my thoughts x

I too have had these kind of thoughts since DH was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It is not as serious a condition as it could be at the moment - he is on active watch presently, but it stops you in your tracks and makes you think the unthinkable. I think that you can only carry on and enjoy each other and your life together for as long as possible. Death is inevitable and not to be feared, just accepted and put to the back of your mind. Love will get you through. Bless you!

I should stop worrying about it. You do cope, you have no choice. It isn't something that you can imagine beforehand. Make the most of every moment in the here and now and appreciate it.

crow & Ana &

Thank you for the replies, I guess it probably didn't help that we arranged and paid for our funerals earlier this week. Practical but rather upsetting. Crow I am sorry for your pain - this must be the worst time of year for you, we have been together just about the same amount of time - a lifetime. Maybe the only way to deal with is will be in time to see how lucky we will have been to have such an amazing relationship.

Crow, I know how you feel. The second Christmas is no better either...

Just cherish the man in your life because when they die there is a bloody great hole in your life. I know, mine died in March after 50 years 9 months, as I am sure there are others on this forum who know, the first Christmas is not good. The first of everything is not good, I am just hoping it all eases at least a bit.
I have had a whole bottle of wine and don't care.
Just cherish the love of your life while you have him.
Forgive me, it is just so painful.
However, with children and grandchildren, life goes on.

I spend far too large a part of my life worrying about this instead of living for today. I don't seem to be able to stop it. Oddly enough it started after I'd had a heart attack myself rather then when DH had one a few years earlier. I know how you feel

The very same thoughts passed my mind this evening so you are not alone with your thoughts,I just don't seem to be able to approach the subject with mr.glamma.

Not a selfish post , I am sure there are many who feel as you do