Shocks in the Christmas post

Statistically, I believe any death under the age of 75 is considered to be premature, but somehow around 70 their does seem to be a sudden increase, the first snow of winter I suppose.

In the last eighteen months four friends have died between 70 and 74, people I remember as fellow students, or friends of my early adult life. It is very difficult to adjust to the fact that whereas in the past, when friends died the deaths were widely spaced and genuinely premature (45, 51, 64), once 70 is reached, the feeling is that they have run the race and finished it as we all hope to do but are just among the earlier ones to go.

I have found coming to terms with these deaths far more difficult than the deaths of those who died shockingly young. It is not that I am in denial about my own mortality, I know my own age and that statistically I am only a decade or so from my own death, but it is getting used to the idea that I have reached an age where a death of someone of my age is normal and not just the truncation of a life that should have lasted much longer.

Yes getting cards can remind us of sadness at such a happy time of the year can't they.

We lost a dear friend 4 months months ago and today I received his wife's card with obviously her name and the children's, seeing his name no longer on the card reminds us all how difficult life can be, very sad.

Losing elderly parents at our age is so sad, but in the 'nature of things' and we just have to learn to let go and remember all the good things.

A friend of DD2, who used to be my student, died after an awful illness last year, aged 38, leaving 2 young daughters behind. We've lost other younger friends, to illness, accident and tragically, suicide- over past few years- and it does indeed shake you to the core and make you so aware of your own fate.

But for sure, neither of the ones we lost would have liked us to spend the rest of our life grieving for them in a way that ruins our own life- but would want us to celebrate all that is good in life and live it to the full- hard at times- but wasting what we've got is just too tragic. Tell your loved ones this NOW- so it gives them strength and courage if and when.

A friend's daughter, the same age as one of mine, 36, died a couple of weeks ago. It has put me completely on the back foot, along with various anniversaries of my own to contend with around this time of the year; 3 years ago I was writing the 'sorry to have too tell you' note to put in my Christmas cards; this year I can't really be bothered to do the cards. My family and friends are busy, partying and socialising and even if I did have lots of Christmassy things to go to, I really don't feel in the mood. I used to absolutely love this time of the year, but not any more. Even listening to Christmas music on CFM is setting me off....... miserable, old bat that I am
{{hugs}} and to everyone who has 'stuff' to contend with

I think being affected by the small things show we have heart.
A big ((hug)) for everyone that needs it.

kitty, Ann and all of you, it is indeed the little things that seem to hit home. Christmas can be so poignant.

As ann said, for you too Alea.

Isn't it funny how we take lots of things in our stride and some things, sometimes relatively small things, knock us sideways.

kitty that must have been so sad for you. Christmas cards are supposed to bring us joy, but as we get older they so often hold sad news as well. It can be a very upsetting time.
We were turning out some drawers recently and I came across a little yellow address book, that I hadn't seen for years and years. This little book dated from when I was first married, and it included all the names and addresses of everyone that I sent Christmas cards to. But do you know what? I couldn't even bring myself to open it because I knew there were more entries crossed out than remaining - and many of those remaining would almost certainly have died since I last saw the book. So I threw it in the bin. What is the point of upsetting ourselves with things like this?
for all of you who are struggling with loss and illness, especially at Christmas.

And for you 'Alea' whose own life isn't a bed of roses.

May I send a huge bouquet of to all of you who have your problems and worries especially at this time.
The Christmas cards will invariably bring it home to us that we are all getting older, illness, friends who have lost their DH/DW or parents or (heaven forfend) even DC. Last year I found myself dreading opening yet another card with sad news and regretted writing my own (early) full of chirpy cheerfulness. Makes you think.
We can at least support each other here, knowing that we are not entirely alone and can share.

All those tinselly superficial ads about the "meaning of Christmas" haven't got a clue, have they? Christmas is about love and joy, but also the strength of love and friendship to cope with suffering or grief.

Especial Ann, Rubylady, GJ, kitty, harrigran, ethelt, nana3, Teetime, Soop, EVERYBODY who needs a shoulder or a hug - hang on in there and may the shine again for you soon.

I do think we start to look for it though don't we? Hearing about DH's friend has really shaken me and I'm finding it hard to get motivated today.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts. gj H is not at the stage you have surmised, some times he seems ok and then he loses it. We have had a jolly time this morning looking for his glasses which he took off to change his jumper which he can do three times a day. My laundry basket can be full or else his wardrobe can have three dirty jumpers in it!!
He does know us all but can't remember anything new for more than ten minutes. We had a GP appt on Thursday, the first in 23 months and she did ask if we wanted daycare but that was a definite no-no when I explained what that meant. He said Ann looks after me. I will investigate paying someone to come in to sit with him and chat weekly when Christmas is over. Many thanks all.
Reading this through before posting reminds me of one morning this week he suddenly said "where is all my money? Is it in the local branch of ...?
I said well that is where you have your account. Well what happens to it because I never spend any says he. Well heating , lighting , food , clothes , phone!! Oh says he, I think he thinks I'm squirrelling it away to do a runner.

kitty that is sad I'm sorry about your friend. I'm saying this very quietly but DH is 70 next year and he has started showing some worrying lapses in his cognitive processes- I'm trying not to read too much into it at the moment.

Don't worry white wave. I didn't really notice. I think our brains just unscramble the message as we go along. If I see a typo of my own I just think, oh well, it'll be obvious what I mean ( unless it's some kind of ambiguity)

Good grief my b------y phone tries to tell me what I am writing
So to make amends

Ill instead of will
Realise instead of real use

ann that's shocking. Maybe just hide all the keys, though if you have a bolt on the door that won't help. I can just imagine the horror of arriving back to an unlit, locked house. to anyone going through sadness at this time

I was going to suggest having help with DH Ann even if you have to pay for it - I'm sure it would help you. Though, it wouldn't have helped with being locked out.

So sad to hear of friends who are will. The other shock is to real use how short life is

And the Christmas card list gets shorter
As much as it's part and parcel of ageing, it doesn't make it any easier.
((Hugs))

Do you have a local Alzheimer's Society? They provide a range of services to support family carer's, include sitting service to enable you to have a break Ann. Might be worth investigating?

What a worry for you Ann - but please don't sto getting out now and again - you need it.

As for bad news in Christmas cards - it is a fact of life. As we get older, the Christmas messages from people we only hear from once a year get gloomier and gloomier - hey-ho - that's life.

How tough this is for you ann. Perhaps it is time to think about the next stage and for him to have specialist care that would release you to have your life back? I know it is very hard to let go- but thinking back on how he was- do you truly think he would want your life to be reduced in such a way to care for him- when he doesn't really know who you are anymore. DH and I have discussed this at length- and have vowed to each other, that in the advanced stages of Demential or Alzheimers we would NOT look after the other in our own home- and that the one left must be released to continue to enjoy life- of course keeping an eye on care and visiting- etc- but be released to live life to the full, somehow.

We have discussed this with friends who have gone through the experience, and who all say, that with hindsight, they shouldn't have insisted on caring for the affected loved one for so long- as it was in fact not the best solutions for either.

Oh, Ann, how awful that must have been! I don't know what else to say! Huge (((hugs))).

How sad kitty that his decline is so swift. As you know my DH has Alzheimer's but we are so lucky that is progress is slow but un fortunate!y steady. I have been able to leav e him for a couple of hours and on Wednesday evening I went to see a neighbour 2 mins walk away leaving him happily watching football. I came back to a totally dark house a nd the doors locked and the keys in. He eventua!ly came down with a torch lit,no lights on and was totally unfazed to see me. He didn' t even know I was out never mind where I had been. I couldn't sleep that night or since really.

We still have a very short letter sent to us by my mil- when her Alzheimers was advancing, but she still had quite lucid moments. Her beautiful handwriting (she was a primary school teacher) was all over the place, but the postman just about could make out the address and our name is unusual- and the jumbled note asked us to help her. We cried and cried - and we knew what she wanted, as we had discussed it often when she was fit as a fiddle (she always said, if I get like that, promise you will snuff me out- you will, won't you?). And of course we couldn't. It took 2 years of increased horror for her to be released.

Nana3, so sorry for your loss- however tough it is, it is the nature of things, as we get older ourselves, that the previous generation has to be 'let go'. We moved here partly to help my parents and mum died 3 weeks before our move, and dad 2 months later. I'm sure your dad wouldn't want you to grieve too long, but get on and enjoy your own life now. (((hugs)))

Sorry to hear about your father Nana3

The year DS had a stroke it took me 4 sessions to write my cards with the news in. It came home to me again each time. We usually get some sort of awful news at Christmas.