Moths to a flame

I worked with someone like that once. She was a colleague for more than 10 years. Her husband was my boss and she worked in our department. Over the years the four of us those two and my husband and I became friends, going on weekends away and holidays. We were very close.

My husband left with her five years ago now and I am still trying to come to terms with their deceit. She set out to get him but he must have wanted to be 'got'. My advice? Take note and don't allow such a person too close.

Elegran

I wouldn't think it's that - it can be irritating when you slog away at work, stay late to get urgent things done and someone who takes time off sick, skives then flutters her eyelashes and wiggles her bum gets all the praise (and a bigger pay rise) angry

It is actually going to make me change my behaviour a bit. I have come to realise that other people, especially men, dont value things such as hard work and detail, as highly as I thought they did.

So sorry Ginny42

Soontobe. Your very naive about men. They're not thinking with their brain when it comes to a pretty face / attractive figure. To be blunt: it's all happening in the nether regions.

Men respond to flattery (as do women); but this woman then simply winds those who come back for more into her web.
I've seen it in the workplace too and I actually find it quite fascinating that men don't know that it's a game she's playing.

Yes. I underestimate that a lot.

Apologies though to any men on this forum, and those reading this thread. I hope you realise we are talking generally.

post to petra.

stb I didn't change my behaviour to mimic her - but I let the boss know in a one to one what I thought.
He sat with a muscle twitching in his cheek as he listened to me.
Depends on the boss, of course, he was young and new and needed training

ps I didn't care what the other male colleagues thought of her, they just made themselves look foolish, he was the one in charge of the pay rises!

I worked with such a woman who was attractive, devious, manipulative and determined to have everyone under her thrall. When it became clear to her she couldn't fool me she carried on a campaign to undermine me over many years and largely succeeded. She made my working life a misery and I could do nothing about it as most of the women and all of the men believed her every word (she was a consummate liar). What astonished me was that she was hardly subtle; she was egregiously flattering, she literally batted her eyelids, she 'sucked up' in an obvious fashion and she flirted with both men and women. I came to feel a certain disdain for her victims as you would have had to be somewhat dense to mistake the cartoon niceness for a real, equal connection. Still, it did her career, income and prospects a lot of good and stopped mine in its tracks.

Which is worse, I wonder? To be a liar or to be gullible? Bad or stupid? The rewards for integrity and intelligence in this world are not high at any rate!

Years ago I had a flatmate who answers this description. My other flatmate, a good friend, and I had several occasions when we had to deal with distraught young men who were really deeply engaged in what they thought was a relationship with her only to find out that once the hunt was over they were no longer required! We were also told in no uncertain terms that she was no longer welcome as a guest to many parties because of her actions. The crunch came for us when the night after I met the dear man who is still DH, she leant up against the door of my room batting her eyelashes and gleefully told me she was 'going to get him!!' That evening my friends swung into action and every time she attempted to get near him they detached him and steered him away. She was petite, dark haired, what you would call 'gamine' and she did have something but it didn't last. He was surprised, years later, when I told him the story of that evening, he hadn't noticed anything except that he appeared more popular than usual. He put it down to Scottish hospitality at its best! She moved away soon after - more desperate young men appeared but we didn't give them any info. I often wonder what happened to her!

Many years ago I too had a 'friend' like this, anything in trousers, attached, married or not, was fair game (including, I found out later, her father's best friend!).
She was hellbent on marrying a 'title' and eventually apparently did so.

Scheming was one name for her, the others being largely unrepeatable!

It pheromones that does it! Apparently some people have a very alluring smell about them, which the animal side of us is aware of, but only subconscious ly

Actually not grin, in the light of some posts on here.

In the last few years before I retired, I worked closely with a woman who was only two years younger than me. I think I began working with her when we were in our late 40s up until I retired at 60. She had it all. She was a size 10, had beautiful, thick, long dark hair. She was really stunning. I am not exaggerating when I say I saw a man literally walk into a wall whilst looking at her. But boy did she know it! She was constantly regaling me with stores if how she was out with her son and someone asked him if she was his girlfriend, how one of the men in the
office tried to kiss her, how everyone fancied her. I totally believed her but did she have to keep telling me If there was an office 'do' I would wear something nice and do my best but the minute I walked in and saw her, I felt flat. She was very much in love with herself and I found it very difficult to work with her as I am the opposite. When I started to lose my hair I found it rather insensitive the way she would keep flicking hers about, although she knew I was struggling. Apparently she had a perfect life. Devoted husband, two grown up children (one of each of course) who had never given her a moment's trouble, a beautiful home. Strangely in the last couple of years we have become friends which I never thought would happen.

Nice ending there. Is she still in love with herself?

And need her own way?
I have realised through reading this thread, that the person I know has must have her own way, as top of her agenda I think. At the time, she will look like she is ok with whatever the situation is, but later on, we learn she has done all sorts of things.

well, I see that the game of bitching about one of our own sex is still as popular as ever! I'm not saying that there are not manipulative women out there, or even unpleasant, rude, etc.. But don't you think that the same could be said about males?
Let's talk about manipulative people, please, rather than exclusively female, or male, for that matter!

I dont happen to know a man who does this. Other posters might do.

Let's talk about manipulative people, please, rather than exclusively female, or male, for that matter!

Why, when the OP was about a woman?

You can start a thread about manipulative men if you like.
Or even one about manipulative people.

We don't have to be PC on here if we don't want to be!

I must admit I have never seen a man 'working' people in this way, it doesn't seem to be a manly trait.
I have fallen victim to this in the past and it is most unpleasant and very difficult to counteract. The best solution I ever found was humour which had the effect of alerting the person being 'worked' but you have to be strong to do this. There is strength in numbers of course so if you can get together with the other observant people about you it helps but only if you are all very careful and don't stoop to the same level as the perpetrator.
It is all about control. Often these people, who are in every sphere of life, are not truly confident however they like to portray themselves. In any case though it can result in much harm and hurt to those around them.
In my experience the people who have 'it' and use it in a bad way can overdo it and come unstuck. Unfortunately this can be a rarity since no one likes it be known that they have been 'played'.

soon I couldn't wait to retire, one reason being to get away from her. I assumed she felt the same way about me. To my surprise she phoned me and asked if I would like to meet up. I said OK, as she had made the effort. She was totally different away from work. She is older now and not nearly so in love with herself. Yes, when I worked with her she always wanted her own way, which was partly why it was so difficult. If she didn't get her own way she would sulk and if anyone praised me for a job well done she would try to take the credit. She would come into the office in January with a list of all the holidays she would be taking throughout the year with no thought for me (we were a team of two). Like I said though, we get along rather well now. Strange isn't it?

KatyK - did she ever give any indication that she was aware of what she did?

I have worked with both manipulative men and men who think they are absolutely irresistable. In men these types are usually mutually exclusive. If either type had ever heard what was said about them behind their backs they would have been mortified. All the women were unimpressed and the men generally didn't like them either.

I once worked for a firm of consultants where there was one consultant the support staff, male and female, would fall over backwards to anything for. He was small, bespectacled, quiet and unassuming, but he was courteous and considerate, and if for any reason I couldn't provide him with the information he required and explained the reason he would accept it without complaint and he always thanked people for the work they had done.